Don't mind me. I know that getting past things is a painful process. And I'm going to purge something painful here.
One of the things J tried to lay on my doorstep was our sex life. So I'm going to deal with this issue in my own way here.
His claim was that he felt like I never wanted to have sex. Well here is my version of that. And when he tries to come back around I'm going to have this to remind me of the big reasons he won't be allowed back in.
Yes I didn't want sex all the time. There are a lot of reasons for it. One basic was that a lot of time, I was just tired. Mothers understand this - you deal with children, work, housework, cooking and then go to bed not feeling like a porn queen.
Another reason was that I was often in pain. Every since I had T, sex often physically hurt. Maybe it was a physicological after effect from having kids, I don't know. But I was in pain quite often. Add to it my complicated female problems and it was just a bad situation. But almost immediately after having my hysterectomy, I felt like a new person with sex.
But the main reason was the way he treated me in bed. For years, it was a dehumanizing experience. I can't remember when it changed but it did. Very seldom was it a bonding experience between two mates. He had certain desires that I could not physically give him. He wouldn't respect my position on that but instead several times tried to force me. I guess you would call it a type of rape. I know more than once I came up throwing elbow jabs to get him off of me. However bad that sounds, what bothers me most was that he very seldom would kiss me during sex, never said my name and basically just went through the motions. I know a lot of this is classic of someone having affairs.
When I imagine being with someone again, I want someone who will caress me, kiss me, make me know that he knows who is with.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Processing
I'm not sure about my feelings. I signed up for a divorce support email thing, that would send me emails each day. It goes into a lot about despair and depression. I'm worried that I might be in some kind of denial since I'm not experiencing that. It just seems that after 22 years of marriage and an almost entire life with him, I should be sadder. That when I see him, I should see or feel something different than I do. When did I lose this with him?
I have stopped reading the emails. And it makes me think that I might not be able to help to others going through a divorce because I'm just not experiencing more typical emotions.
My main emotion when I do stop and think about it is just bitterness that he still won't be honest about what happened. I think back and over the years there were little rumors about J and other female officers when he worked at the jail. Supposedly when he worked at the health club, a few woman came on to him. Supposedly women hit on him when he was a plumber. At the time I thought he felt comfortable in our relationship to let me know about these things. Now I wonder if he wasn't bragging in a subtle way. That's what he did here at the hospital. He would tell me there were rumors about him and a certain nurse here or there. So it seems possible that all of those 22 years had lies in them.
I can't regret the whole time because I got my children out of it. But maybe I hadn't settled for marrying someone out of fear that no one would ever want me, maybe I would have experienced more of life. He has done a revisionist trick on history, claiming I kept him from jobs around the country that I don't remember him ever mentioning to me. But he kept me from graduating from college (I had to drop out for a long period because he couldn't get a job and when I went back, I did night school while working a full time plus job).
But life will go on. It is like a lot of people asking me how I have managed to take care of the twins. You get up each day, you handle the things in that day. Some you do well, some you don't do well, some you never get to. That's what this stage is like. Each day will be a getting through stage.
Well instead of a new post, I'll just add to this one. He came and dropped off the kids and took a look at my knee since it is hurting so bad today. His touching me brought me to tears. And then the kids said that Julie is sleeping in his bedroom. And I just hate myself for crying that I'm sad that I'm so alone that just a touch brought me to tears. I don't miss him so much per se but I miss being held.
I have stopped reading the emails. And it makes me think that I might not be able to help to others going through a divorce because I'm just not experiencing more typical emotions.
My main emotion when I do stop and think about it is just bitterness that he still won't be honest about what happened. I think back and over the years there were little rumors about J and other female officers when he worked at the jail. Supposedly when he worked at the health club, a few woman came on to him. Supposedly women hit on him when he was a plumber. At the time I thought he felt comfortable in our relationship to let me know about these things. Now I wonder if he wasn't bragging in a subtle way. That's what he did here at the hospital. He would tell me there were rumors about him and a certain nurse here or there. So it seems possible that all of those 22 years had lies in them.
I can't regret the whole time because I got my children out of it. But maybe I hadn't settled for marrying someone out of fear that no one would ever want me, maybe I would have experienced more of life. He has done a revisionist trick on history, claiming I kept him from jobs around the country that I don't remember him ever mentioning to me. But he kept me from graduating from college (I had to drop out for a long period because he couldn't get a job and when I went back, I did night school while working a full time plus job).
But life will go on. It is like a lot of people asking me how I have managed to take care of the twins. You get up each day, you handle the things in that day. Some you do well, some you don't do well, some you never get to. That's what this stage is like. Each day will be a getting through stage.
Well instead of a new post, I'll just add to this one. He came and dropped off the kids and took a look at my knee since it is hurting so bad today. His touching me brought me to tears. And then the kids said that Julie is sleeping in his bedroom. And I just hate myself for crying that I'm sad that I'm so alone that just a touch brought me to tears. I don't miss him so much per se but I miss being held.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
The real value of a trip to the ER
So yesterday I had to go to the ER on a knee sprain. I knew I had a sprain and really the only reason I went was so I could get a brace and crutches.
My mom, dad & brother were all out of pocket, so I had to call J. He was going to be up at the house to get the kids in an hour anyway to take them to get some of their school clothes (he got the clothes but he is keeping it all at his place so they don't get lost). He did seem put out to come up there. I should have just an ambulance come get me (doesn't cost me because of his connection to the ambulance service). My mom arrived to take me to the ER while J took the kids shopping.
While we were waiting, he did his usual thing of having to be in worse health than me. For years anything wrong with me, he had to counter. If I was sick to my stomach, he had been for 3 days. So there I am sitting yesterday with my knee hurting and not able to put any weight on it, he had to tell me he had been out of work all week with a bad back. Interesting that with this, he didn't offer to take the kids any while he was home to give them additional supervision or more time with them. And I had asked him to come look at my toilet challenges and he never showed up.
Ok fast forward to the trip to the ER. J had called ahead which shortened my time in the ER. I didn't know how his co-workers would act around me, since most of them know our divorce proceedings. I will never complain how I was treated. But the best part was one of J's cousins came in to take care of me. At first, I wasn't sure that it was J's cousin. She first told me how sorry she was that J & I are divorcing.
Then the dirt came out. She wanted to tell me at Easter about J & Julie. She was very relieved to know that I had known and wasn't in the dark. Oh btw, Julie had called in sick all of this week too. And another one of the staff had seen J & Julie running around town together this week. J & Julie were being investigated by the hospital because it is believed they were in a room making out where a corpse was lying waiting for pick up. (And it turns out J has been accused of something like this before while working at another hospital during his training). It has been noted by the staff that they frequently disappear for long period of times. I'm betting that between these investigations and now his workers comp case, he will get fired (released) from the hospital. Even if nothing is proved, he is becoming too much trouble for the supervisors.
Cousin did not know that Julie had moved into his parents' place. Cousin did tell me how totally unliked Julie is by all of her co-workers. Cousin said that the extended family knows about the situation and most think J has lost his mind. His extended family has always been the better part of the deal, his immediate family is white trash while he has wonderful aunts and uncles. I told Cousin that J&Julie are officially dating now. She also didn't know about Julie's STBX challenges. I also told her about his online affair with Melanie a couple of years ago (she knew Melanie of course).
Oh and his excuse for our divorce? It is because I won't let him discipline the kids. So I told the cousin that I got very put out with him when he grounded KB to her bed for 7 days, knowing I would be the one to have to deal with making it actually happen. Or the time he got mad at the kids for being kids and told them they had 2 hours to mow and clean the yard while he went and took his nap before going to work. T & I worked that 2 hours and barely got it done. I told J that his punishments were not fair and usually punishing me. So this is his excuse for why we are divorcing.
I know that Cousin immediately went to share the information I gave her with the others on staff. It will take a few days but all of this will be around the ER. Even better if he stays out on leave. I really see him screwing up and losing this job. It hurts my continued quest to get money out of him but it will further piss off his parents about his choices in life and just maybe he will be forced to get a job with a real paycheck so I can get a real child support amout out of him.
My mom, dad & brother were all out of pocket, so I had to call J. He was going to be up at the house to get the kids in an hour anyway to take them to get some of their school clothes (he got the clothes but he is keeping it all at his place so they don't get lost). He did seem put out to come up there. I should have just an ambulance come get me (doesn't cost me because of his connection to the ambulance service). My mom arrived to take me to the ER while J took the kids shopping.
While we were waiting, he did his usual thing of having to be in worse health than me. For years anything wrong with me, he had to counter. If I was sick to my stomach, he had been for 3 days. So there I am sitting yesterday with my knee hurting and not able to put any weight on it, he had to tell me he had been out of work all week with a bad back. Interesting that with this, he didn't offer to take the kids any while he was home to give them additional supervision or more time with them. And I had asked him to come look at my toilet challenges and he never showed up.
Ok fast forward to the trip to the ER. J had called ahead which shortened my time in the ER. I didn't know how his co-workers would act around me, since most of them know our divorce proceedings. I will never complain how I was treated. But the best part was one of J's cousins came in to take care of me. At first, I wasn't sure that it was J's cousin. She first told me how sorry she was that J & I are divorcing.
Then the dirt came out. She wanted to tell me at Easter about J & Julie. She was very relieved to know that I had known and wasn't in the dark. Oh btw, Julie had called in sick all of this week too. And another one of the staff had seen J & Julie running around town together this week. J & Julie were being investigated by the hospital because it is believed they were in a room making out where a corpse was lying waiting for pick up. (And it turns out J has been accused of something like this before while working at another hospital during his training). It has been noted by the staff that they frequently disappear for long period of times. I'm betting that between these investigations and now his workers comp case, he will get fired (released) from the hospital. Even if nothing is proved, he is becoming too much trouble for the supervisors.
Cousin did not know that Julie had moved into his parents' place. Cousin did tell me how totally unliked Julie is by all of her co-workers. Cousin said that the extended family knows about the situation and most think J has lost his mind. His extended family has always been the better part of the deal, his immediate family is white trash while he has wonderful aunts and uncles. I told Cousin that J&Julie are officially dating now. She also didn't know about Julie's STBX challenges. I also told her about his online affair with Melanie a couple of years ago (she knew Melanie of course).
Oh and his excuse for our divorce? It is because I won't let him discipline the kids. So I told the cousin that I got very put out with him when he grounded KB to her bed for 7 days, knowing I would be the one to have to deal with making it actually happen. Or the time he got mad at the kids for being kids and told them they had 2 hours to mow and clean the yard while he went and took his nap before going to work. T & I worked that 2 hours and barely got it done. I told J that his punishments were not fair and usually punishing me. So this is his excuse for why we are divorcing.
I know that Cousin immediately went to share the information I gave her with the others on staff. It will take a few days but all of this will be around the ER. Even better if he stays out on leave. I really see him screwing up and losing this job. It hurts my continued quest to get money out of him but it will further piss off his parents about his choices in life and just maybe he will be forced to get a job with a real paycheck so I can get a real child support amout out of him.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Silly me
Psst don't tell anyone but I chatted online with a complete stranger dude last night. LOL it has been a very long time since I chatted with someone I didn't know in a chatroom. Years before K&C were born, J kinda wanted to do a threesome. We chatted with some people but when one lady flirted with me, J had me cut it off because he was jealous. I believe that was the last (probably the first too) I had flirted or chatted like that online.
Dude seemed nice enough. I'm not opposed to chatting with him again but not obsessed to do so either. Website I found him at seems like more enjoyable than the better known ones. I'm not so much out to find a mate than I am just 1-to boost my ego a little by believing someone could find me attractive 2-maybe go out on a date once in a while, you know just some adult conversation in person with someone I'm not related to.
Dude seemed nice enough. I'm not opposed to chatting with him again but not obsessed to do so either. Website I found him at seems like more enjoyable than the better known ones. I'm not so much out to find a mate than I am just 1-to boost my ego a little by believing someone could find me attractive 2-maybe go out on a date once in a while, you know just some adult conversation in person with someone I'm not related to.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Confused
Today I'm wondering where J's mind has gone. He used to be vehement about people smoking around the kids and now he is dating a woman who smokes (but he told the kids not to tell me that she smokes). He used to beyond vehement about kids on 4 wheelers but this weekend he not only let T play on one (without a helmet) but talked about them getting one. He used to be overly protective of the kids. Well I know where his mind is part of the time. I guess Julie gives much better head than I did (not hard, I know that was one thing I wasn't good at).
He used to be a very honorable man but he is not any longer. He lied to me, I guess for quite some time. He is now encouraging the kids to lie to me. I think this is one reason that I'm not as sad about the divorce as I maybe should be, he is not the man I used to know. That man has left the Earth.
He gave me permission to date. That was a riotously funny moment. What he doesn't get is the following.
1. I don't have the energy to date right now. I'm a full time parent to his part time parenting. In addition, I have a house and yard to maintain. Like I get to go home tonight and fix a toilet.
2. I'm enjoying being in charge. I never realized how much control he kept on us in the house. I'm not saying all men would be this way, but right now I don't have to negotiate with another adult about what and when things are done or how they are done.
But I would like to be with other adults more. I would like to have someone around to do things like help with the toilet. But I certainly don't need his permission to date.
He used to be a very honorable man but he is not any longer. He lied to me, I guess for quite some time. He is now encouraging the kids to lie to me. I think this is one reason that I'm not as sad about the divorce as I maybe should be, he is not the man I used to know. That man has left the Earth.
He gave me permission to date. That was a riotously funny moment. What he doesn't get is the following.
1. I don't have the energy to date right now. I'm a full time parent to his part time parenting. In addition, I have a house and yard to maintain. Like I get to go home tonight and fix a toilet.
2. I'm enjoying being in charge. I never realized how much control he kept on us in the house. I'm not saying all men would be this way, but right now I don't have to negotiate with another adult about what and when things are done or how they are done.
But I would like to be with other adults more. I would like to have someone around to do things like help with the toilet. But I certainly don't need his permission to date.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Bad day
I had to face one thing in this divorce process I thought I would never see, J not being a fit parent. It used to be that he would have died for his kids. Now he is so self absorbed that he has done things this weekend that could have caused the kids harm. Luckily nothing happened to them but the possibilities scare me.
J's biggest concern this weekend was telling that the kids that in a couple of weeks he is going to start dating, including the NG. The kids already think now that she will be their stepmom. It doesn't hurt like it should that he is going to start dating openly (I'm still convinced they have been together for ages). I still don't want to see the bitch but I'm not hurting. It did hurt to hear them say they love the NG (must find another reference to her...).
J emailed me to tell me he is going to start dating her, like he needed my permission and to say I could start dating. I'm not seriously looking. It is very energy consuming to take care of the kids, the house, the yard, my job. I like being on my own. I have discussed that he was a controlling ass and that it is nice not to "answer" to someone. I do miss having another pair of hands to do some of the work here and to help with the kids. But I don't have to have someone to complete me. Sure someday I would like to have someone in my life with me, but I'm not jumping out of one relationship to get into another like he is.
J's biggest concern this weekend was telling that the kids that in a couple of weeks he is going to start dating, including the NG. The kids already think now that she will be their stepmom. It doesn't hurt like it should that he is going to start dating openly (I'm still convinced they have been together for ages). I still don't want to see the bitch but I'm not hurting. It did hurt to hear them say they love the NG (must find another reference to her...).
J emailed me to tell me he is going to start dating her, like he needed my permission and to say I could start dating. I'm not seriously looking. It is very energy consuming to take care of the kids, the house, the yard, my job. I like being on my own. I have discussed that he was a controlling ass and that it is nice not to "answer" to someone. I do miss having another pair of hands to do some of the work here and to help with the kids. But I don't have to have someone to complete me. Sure someday I would like to have someone in my life with me, but I'm not jumping out of one relationship to get into another like he is.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Just to get it out of my stomach
He is a grandmutherfuckingsumofabitch. Not only is the NG living now at his parents house but at the same time he has hired an attorney. I'm just scared this is a sign he is going to make this harder and uglier. I think (pray) the end results are going to be the same but the getting there is going to be so draining.
I thought he was different than his family. I guess I kept him from being trailer trash all of this time. Now I'm worried how much of this is genetic and that might my kids might suffer in their lives with the same disease.
Assmunch, fuckstick, penile scum is all too nice to describe him.
I thought he was different than his family. I guess I kept him from being trailer trash all of this time. Now I'm worried how much of this is genetic and that might my kids might suffer in their lives with the same disease.
Assmunch, fuckstick, penile scum is all too nice to describe him.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
This is my idea of the perfect man
Perfect body, perfect face, perfect muscles, perfectly worn out jeans and the absolutely most perfect sense of humor. I know my music isn't for everyone but man, he is good looking, in a great basic redneck fashion.
Now I find this guy to be a little too slick pretty looking but he has the craziest songs and videos.
Count all the Trekkie jokes...
Saturday, July 14, 2007
What I have realized
I found out that J's "non-girlfriend" has left her husband. And said husband was supposed looking for J, enough that common co-workers felt they needed to warn J. As long as none of this happens around the children, I really find this comical. All of his claims that they were not emotionally involved keep crashing down. The kids are complaining that every time they are with their dad, she is around. I think they are going to be pissed when they figure out that she is Dad's girlfriend, especially T as he will know that J was hanging around NG (non-girlfriend) before we broke up.
Maybe I'm slow on the uptake but I guess he has been looking for my replacement for some time. He had the incident with the email affair two years ago. I don't think he has conciously been looking for another woman but I think he gave up on us years ago. Sadly now I wonder if he ever really loved me or if I was just the safe available choice. I know that his POV is that if I had been a better wife, he wouldn't have been looking. I would counter that my performance as a wife was also a reflection as his as a husband.
What I am realizing is how alone I am in this world except for my family. I don't have friends in the area to speak of. And at my age I don't know how to make friends.
I'm a little sad but not devastated right now. Of course the first thing we have to do and he bring NG, it may not be as easy.
My attorney keeps promising me that I shouldn't have to pay a settlement on him. That is the one thing that I can't stand the thought of, that he will be paying almost nothing in child support and then the concept I might have to give him money.
Maybe I'm slow on the uptake but I guess he has been looking for my replacement for some time. He had the incident with the email affair two years ago. I don't think he has conciously been looking for another woman but I think he gave up on us years ago. Sadly now I wonder if he ever really loved me or if I was just the safe available choice. I know that his POV is that if I had been a better wife, he wouldn't have been looking. I would counter that my performance as a wife was also a reflection as his as a husband.
What I am realizing is how alone I am in this world except for my family. I don't have friends in the area to speak of. And at my age I don't know how to make friends.
I'm a little sad but not devastated right now. Of course the first thing we have to do and he bring NG, it may not be as easy.
My attorney keeps promising me that I shouldn't have to pay a settlement on him. That is the one thing that I can't stand the thought of, that he will be paying almost nothing in child support and then the concept I might have to give him money.
Sunday, June 03, 2007
What a fucking week
I had the best time in Boise. Absolutely wonderful. Too much wine and nearly not enough sleep, all with the greatest friends in the world. I would be lying to say the wedding wasn't hard. My friend the bride was all aglow and shine, with a beautiful wedding ring rainbow above her head, promising and getting promised love forever. It made me angry that I was given those promises and got hurt in the end. But I guess anger is part of the process.
I did have a good moment where I realized that he is the one who failed us. He didn't want to try to keep things going, even though he claims he had tried for years. When push came to shove, he wasn't willing to try and that is ultimately where we failed. He has said several times he couldn't understand why I kept him around if he was such a lousy person. He wasn't lousy, there were things that I didn't like but put up with as part of the compromise that you do in a marriage. But once he said he didn't love me any more (or later put disclaimers on what way he loved me), I realized I didn't have to put up with those shits.
Ok, for the full description of my crappy week let me label some characters so you can follow the story. C is my boss, who I have a good friendship with. We have worked closely for 6 years, gone to lunch most days together and shared much about our lives with each other. J is another accountant who has been there about 3 years. Everyone likes her but she worries more about being liked and such than about her work. Almost every time I have asked her to make entries that affected my sets of books, she makes them backwards and I have to get her to do them again. P is the Director of Finance and an ass. He has stirred up shit in our department ever since they hired him a little over a year ago. He doesn't know what he is doing with our books and has had an agenda since day one to get rid of me, C and our former Asst Controller who is now gone. T is the CFO. Nice guy, naive about what is really going on and hates conflict of any kind.
So last Friday while I was out having fun with friends, C overheard P on the phone telling someone that there is about to be a major overhaul of the department and how "she" keeps pulling this stuff but it is all about to come to an end. So C spent the weekend sending out resumes, etc and immediately got interviews on Tuesday. Wednesday T tells C that P is going to put over the department and that she will now answer to P. C says no way in hell will she answer to P. Right before it is time for me to leave at 4, T calls me to his office to tell me that P is now in charge of the department and that I will be reporting to him instead of C. I told him as I have in the past that I believe my job is in jeopardy under P and he tells me that I'm a victim of C's paranoia and how this is all because of C's attitude. I remind him how P has undermined C's authority within the department but T brushes that off, like they have when I have brought this up before.
I go home. Next morning, I get called to P's office where it is P&J waiting for me. I'm told that the department was notified late yesterday of the reorganization (interesting, after C & I had left for the day) and that I would now be reporting to J, who is now the Accounting Manager. I'm handed the organization chart, which lists me as a Staff Accountant. So I asked if this means I have been demoted as I was a Senior Staff Accountant. According to P (because J did almost no talking) I have never been anything but a SA and that Senior Staff Accountant is a discriminatory title and was just the label on the nameplate on my door. I then see that I am no longer a supervisor and confirmed that. Again I ask if this means I have been demoted and I'm told no (must find out their interpretations and definitions). I'm then told I am starting with a clean slate but I had better change my attitude or there will be consequences. Nothing to give me guidelines on what they mean by attitude, nothing clear except a threat as far as I can hear.
They met with people in the department off and on all day. Rumor is that at least once they used these meetings to get dirt on me. No surprise there. C gets a job offer and gives her notice. Again a meeting with the department after she leaves. No respect whatsoever. It kills me that the month after we did our fastest turnaround time in putting out financials, they feel a need to reorganize the department. My new supervisor hasn't said a word to me all day Thursday or Friday. She can't even look me in the eyes.
Well before the meeting with P&J on Thursday, I had already sent out resumes on Monster and through ads in the paper. At 9 am, I get a call on one and went Thursday after work to an interview. I'm the most impressive resume they have, my salary was what they expected to hear (although they aren't sure what they can offer yet, more on that next week). The job wouldn't be hard compared to what I'm used to. It isn't what I want long term but definitely something to get me out of where I am now.
Then Thursday, me and the STBX (soon to be X) told the twins our news about the upcoming divorce. KB took it like I thought she would, lots of tears and some heart pulling comments. Her twin on the other hand, cried for a few moments and then got up to horse around with his big brother (who already knew). But after a few minutes he came to the conclusion that big brother could go with the STBX and the twins could stay with me and then they wouldn't have big brother problems. That kid, figuring out that divorcing his brother is the answer to all of his problems. Gotta love how he processes information.
I tell you, if it wasn't for Lexapro, I don't think I would have survived Thursday.
Friday was quiet at work, nobody hardly will talk to me as I'm clearly persona non Grata. I have decided if I get this other job or any other job, I'm giving my resignation to T, not to P&J. I just can't honor them as my superiors when they know nothing about my work at all, but can worry about my attitude. My leaving in the wake of C's is going to be a disaster. There are so many things that only she & I know. They will be as screwed as they have made me feel. But this is what they are working for, as short sighted as it is. I hope that management has lots of questions as to why in 6 months time the controller, the assistant controller and the most senior accountant all left because I have a few answers.
Saturday the STBX moved out. I should have been sadder. But I wasn't. It was weird to be in the house all alone all day. I cleaned parts of the house and read a lot. My oldest didn't want to stay with his dad last night so he stayed here with me with two of his friends. At least I wasn't completely alone. But in two weeks, I will be and that will be a hard night.
I did have a good moment where I realized that he is the one who failed us. He didn't want to try to keep things going, even though he claims he had tried for years. When push came to shove, he wasn't willing to try and that is ultimately where we failed. He has said several times he couldn't understand why I kept him around if he was such a lousy person. He wasn't lousy, there were things that I didn't like but put up with as part of the compromise that you do in a marriage. But once he said he didn't love me any more (or later put disclaimers on what way he loved me), I realized I didn't have to put up with those shits.
Ok, for the full description of my crappy week let me label some characters so you can follow the story. C is my boss, who I have a good friendship with. We have worked closely for 6 years, gone to lunch most days together and shared much about our lives with each other. J is another accountant who has been there about 3 years. Everyone likes her but she worries more about being liked and such than about her work. Almost every time I have asked her to make entries that affected my sets of books, she makes them backwards and I have to get her to do them again. P is the Director of Finance and an ass. He has stirred up shit in our department ever since they hired him a little over a year ago. He doesn't know what he is doing with our books and has had an agenda since day one to get rid of me, C and our former Asst Controller who is now gone. T is the CFO. Nice guy, naive about what is really going on and hates conflict of any kind.
So last Friday while I was out having fun with friends, C overheard P on the phone telling someone that there is about to be a major overhaul of the department and how "she" keeps pulling this stuff but it is all about to come to an end. So C spent the weekend sending out resumes, etc and immediately got interviews on Tuesday. Wednesday T tells C that P is going to put over the department and that she will now answer to P. C says no way in hell will she answer to P. Right before it is time for me to leave at 4, T calls me to his office to tell me that P is now in charge of the department and that I will be reporting to him instead of C. I told him as I have in the past that I believe my job is in jeopardy under P and he tells me that I'm a victim of C's paranoia and how this is all because of C's attitude. I remind him how P has undermined C's authority within the department but T brushes that off, like they have when I have brought this up before.
I go home. Next morning, I get called to P's office where it is P&J waiting for me. I'm told that the department was notified late yesterday of the reorganization (interesting, after C & I had left for the day) and that I would now be reporting to J, who is now the Accounting Manager. I'm handed the organization chart, which lists me as a Staff Accountant. So I asked if this means I have been demoted as I was a Senior Staff Accountant. According to P (because J did almost no talking) I have never been anything but a SA and that Senior Staff Accountant is a discriminatory title and was just the label on the nameplate on my door. I then see that I am no longer a supervisor and confirmed that. Again I ask if this means I have been demoted and I'm told no (must find out their interpretations and definitions). I'm then told I am starting with a clean slate but I had better change my attitude or there will be consequences. Nothing to give me guidelines on what they mean by attitude, nothing clear except a threat as far as I can hear.
They met with people in the department off and on all day. Rumor is that at least once they used these meetings to get dirt on me. No surprise there. C gets a job offer and gives her notice. Again a meeting with the department after she leaves. No respect whatsoever. It kills me that the month after we did our fastest turnaround time in putting out financials, they feel a need to reorganize the department. My new supervisor hasn't said a word to me all day Thursday or Friday. She can't even look me in the eyes.
Well before the meeting with P&J on Thursday, I had already sent out resumes on Monster and through ads in the paper. At 9 am, I get a call on one and went Thursday after work to an interview. I'm the most impressive resume they have, my salary was what they expected to hear (although they aren't sure what they can offer yet, more on that next week). The job wouldn't be hard compared to what I'm used to. It isn't what I want long term but definitely something to get me out of where I am now.
Then Thursday, me and the STBX (soon to be X) told the twins our news about the upcoming divorce. KB took it like I thought she would, lots of tears and some heart pulling comments. Her twin on the other hand, cried for a few moments and then got up to horse around with his big brother (who already knew). But after a few minutes he came to the conclusion that big brother could go with the STBX and the twins could stay with me and then they wouldn't have big brother problems. That kid, figuring out that divorcing his brother is the answer to all of his problems. Gotta love how he processes information.
I tell you, if it wasn't for Lexapro, I don't think I would have survived Thursday.
Friday was quiet at work, nobody hardly will talk to me as I'm clearly persona non Grata. I have decided if I get this other job or any other job, I'm giving my resignation to T, not to P&J. I just can't honor them as my superiors when they know nothing about my work at all, but can worry about my attitude. My leaving in the wake of C's is going to be a disaster. There are so many things that only she & I know. They will be as screwed as they have made me feel. But this is what they are working for, as short sighted as it is. I hope that management has lots of questions as to why in 6 months time the controller, the assistant controller and the most senior accountant all left because I have a few answers.
Saturday the STBX moved out. I should have been sadder. But I wasn't. It was weird to be in the house all alone all day. I cleaned parts of the house and read a lot. My oldest didn't want to stay with his dad last night so he stayed here with me with two of his friends. At least I wasn't completely alone. But in two weeks, I will be and that will be a hard night.
Monday, May 28, 2007
8 Things You Don't Know About Me
Damn these are hard. I hate you Kimmah for making me think this hard.
1. I have a wart like growth on my right nipple.
2. I can only wink with my left eye, can't do it to save my life with my right eye.
3. I'm still scared of mirrors at night, having played Bloody Mary as a kid.
4. I really don't understand basketball rules.
5. I liked playing tennis as a teenager but never had anyone to play with so I never got into it more.
6. I have no sense of tone or rhythm so dancing and singing is beyond embarrassing. And I love doing both when no one is around.
7. I don't think I have ever studied for a test in my life.
8. I love to listen to gossip.
Ok, so I will tag KimmieD. She has to do this next.
1. I have a wart like growth on my right nipple.
2. I can only wink with my left eye, can't do it to save my life with my right eye.
3. I'm still scared of mirrors at night, having played Bloody Mary as a kid.
4. I really don't understand basketball rules.
5. I liked playing tennis as a teenager but never had anyone to play with so I never got into it more.
6. I have no sense of tone or rhythm so dancing and singing is beyond embarrassing. And I love doing both when no one is around.
7. I don't think I have ever studied for a test in my life.
8. I love to listen to gossip.
Ok, so I will tag KimmieD. She has to do this next.
Lyrics and Music
Part of my getting through this process involves music. I listen to Settling by Sugarland at least three times a day, whenever I need reminding that moving forward is good for me.
Now I have a new one.
"Stand" By Rascal Flatts
You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright
[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you
Stand,
Then you stand
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
[Repeat Chorus]
Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh
[Repeat Chorus]
Now I have a new one.
"Stand" By Rascal Flatts
You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright
[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you
Stand,
Then you stand
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
[Repeat Chorus]
Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh
[Repeat Chorus]
Sunday, May 20, 2007
I know, I'm a slacker
It has been hard to blog. I alternate from feeling in control to being out of control. I hate the way J makes me still feel. I start to feel pretty in a dress (my first dress in about 10 years, I haven't even worn a skirt in over 6 years) and he destroys that feeling in a second. I wake up to his phone ringing and it is a call from his "friend" and the ringtone is "Lips of an Angel". Then he takes my kids to her house and I get to hear how much fun they had with her. He then tries to tell me how he spent Friday night crying and how much it hurt for KB to call him asking when was he coming home. Well it was his decision not to come home. He tried to tell me not to let the kids do that to him. Yeah right, I told him I was not going to tell the kids when they could or could not call because I don't want him accusing me of keeping the kids from calling. And I'm not worried about his feelings. He made this bed and he can lie in it.
We will tell the kids after Memorial Day weekend. We have a lot of plans for the weekend with family and friends and don't want to have this hurting them. Then he won't be home at the same time as me until Thursday night so that is when we will tell them. He is then spending the next week getting his stuff together and out. I feel like that is when my life can start over.
He spent the weekend being the fun Dad. Nevermind he is usually the strict no fun one. Now he wants to be the fun Dad. They will buy it for a while but it won't last.
And then I start realizing how scared I am of starting over. I can handle the taking care of kids, I do that mostly alone anyway. But the whole dating thing - I have never been anyone else. I'm not sure I really know how to kiss. I'm pretty sure I'm not any good in bed. Yeah, my self esteem is not feeling too good today. We took a picture of me in my new dress and now I see how fat I look in it. I felt pretty in it until I saw the picture. Now I don't feel confident in it like I did when I bought it.
We will tell the kids after Memorial Day weekend. We have a lot of plans for the weekend with family and friends and don't want to have this hurting them. Then he won't be home at the same time as me until Thursday night so that is when we will tell them. He is then spending the next week getting his stuff together and out. I feel like that is when my life can start over.
He spent the weekend being the fun Dad. Nevermind he is usually the strict no fun one. Now he wants to be the fun Dad. They will buy it for a while but it won't last.
And then I start realizing how scared I am of starting over. I can handle the taking care of kids, I do that mostly alone anyway. But the whole dating thing - I have never been anyone else. I'm not sure I really know how to kiss. I'm pretty sure I'm not any good in bed. Yeah, my self esteem is not feeling too good today. We took a picture of me in my new dress and now I see how fat I look in it. I felt pretty in it until I saw the picture. Now I don't feel confident in it like I did when I bought it.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Calm
It is scary how calm I feel about all the turmoil. We have decided to divorce. For a few nights there was some of the bitterness and hurt you expect to see in a divorcing couple. Then suddenly one night we agreed to give up the bitterness and anger. Suddenly we were able to lie there and laugh at our futures as single people. We have realized that we are able to be friends even if we can't be married. Neither of us want to make this harder on the kids, even later in their lives. I would hate to think of the kids planning a wedding and worrying about inviting both of us.
We talked and we agreed we are still having sex (joked about booty calls). I know this seems risky emotionally but I just found my sex drive that had been MIA for 13 years and it just seems so unfair to give up orgasms. So I'm using J for sex. Let's face it, we haven't had emotional sex in forever. It has been all about animal release, mostly for him. I don't get off too well with electric toys and can't masturbate myself to an orgasm. So I'm out to get what I can while I can.
But do you know that calm that settles on you when it is the right thing? Religious people believe it is when the Lord gives them peace. There is something to that. But I know that I haven't know something was right because of the sense of calm the decision brought me. That is how I feel now. Very calm and very settled. I'm a little nervous about being alone in the house on the nights the kids are with him. I'm very nervous about being single. But I'm thrilled about getting to do things my way, without negotiations and compromise.
To my friends who worry for me and about me, thank you so much for your love and friendship. I might be becoming single, but I know that I'm not really alone.
We talked and we agreed we are still having sex (joked about booty calls). I know this seems risky emotionally but I just found my sex drive that had been MIA for 13 years and it just seems so unfair to give up orgasms. So I'm using J for sex. Let's face it, we haven't had emotional sex in forever. It has been all about animal release, mostly for him. I don't get off too well with electric toys and can't masturbate myself to an orgasm. So I'm out to get what I can while I can.
But do you know that calm that settles on you when it is the right thing? Religious people believe it is when the Lord gives them peace. There is something to that. But I know that I haven't know something was right because of the sense of calm the decision brought me. That is how I feel now. Very calm and very settled. I'm a little nervous about being alone in the house on the nights the kids are with him. I'm very nervous about being single. But I'm thrilled about getting to do things my way, without negotiations and compromise.
To my friends who worry for me and about me, thank you so much for your love and friendship. I might be becoming single, but I know that I'm not really alone.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Spinning wheels
Well J agreed to counseling but in usually fashion, on his terms. I had found one that we could get in to see but the times didn't work for him. So I told him to call her and set up a time that did work for him. No he hasn't called. He doesn't realize it but he has until the end of the week.
In the meantime, I have come to realize what it is I want in a relationship. I had a dream today about falling in love. Someone who would cherish me and find me to be a partner, an equal. But mostly I want someone who I matter to.
J knows I have cried and that this journey has been physically hard on me. And in some ways, I think he feels I deserve this because I have been supposedly so horrible to him. Maybe counseling could help us get through these issues but I think I have evolved in my thinking of life without him. I don't know that I can have my dream of being loved like I want to be loved. But as things are right now, I won't have it with J.
In the meantime, I have come to realize what it is I want in a relationship. I had a dream today about falling in love. Someone who would cherish me and find me to be a partner, an equal. But mostly I want someone who I matter to.
J knows I have cried and that this journey has been physically hard on me. And in some ways, I think he feels I deserve this because I have been supposedly so horrible to him. Maybe counseling could help us get through these issues but I think I have evolved in my thinking of life without him. I don't know that I can have my dream of being loved like I want to be loved. But as things are right now, I won't have it with J.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
No April Fooling here
Well since I last updated, much has been going on. I decided it was time for action. I set up a new bank account in my name and contacted an attorney.
Apparently I crossed a line. J was very upset when I told him about my checking account. He just doesn't understand that even if we stay together, that I have to know what is going on with the money. Too many times I have gone to pay bills and he has done something I know nothing about. In the last month he didn't deposit one check, the same week withdrew all of his part time check out of the bank, bought $50 of stuff from Amazon, paid $400 of past due balance on his cell phone and bought new scrubs. Amazingly, when I went to pay the gas bill (which he knew I was paying) there was no money and it bounced. They are very unforgiving on a bounced check and I couldn't negotiate anything. I had to borrow it to take care of it. And he is confused why I think I need my own account.
Yesterday we got into a big argument about money and he demanded I do a budget. So I was trying to do a budget of the basics we pay for and he then got into the schedule and started adding all the things we should do. Well we are $100 short on income just doing what we must and that doesn't begin to cover the things we should do. And I need a new car this year so I'm not sure where we begin to find money each month for a car payment and additional insurance.
When he started seeing I was serious about a divorce, he started changing his tune (actually it went, he spent years being miserable and he didn't seek a divorce, so why am I?) and is now willing to go to counseling. I have an appointment set up but honestly I think we have gone past the point of no return.
It is interesting to hear him excuse his behavior. For example, his online affair with a co-worker last year is excused by the fact that I could be doing the same thing and just haven't been caught. I mean, I have two email accounts (three if you count work), I text message a friend and have phone calls. So therefore, his behavior is excused because I have the same opportunity and just haven't been caught. AND he wouldn't have done that if things were good at home, so therefore it is my fault. He is a hypocrite on some issues and can't begin to see it.
I know I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but at least I believe I'm honest about myself. And I think this budget thing showed him that bringing hom $1K a month is not going to be easy for him to live on.
Apparently I crossed a line. J was very upset when I told him about my checking account. He just doesn't understand that even if we stay together, that I have to know what is going on with the money. Too many times I have gone to pay bills and he has done something I know nothing about. In the last month he didn't deposit one check, the same week withdrew all of his part time check out of the bank, bought $50 of stuff from Amazon, paid $400 of past due balance on his cell phone and bought new scrubs. Amazingly, when I went to pay the gas bill (which he knew I was paying) there was no money and it bounced. They are very unforgiving on a bounced check and I couldn't negotiate anything. I had to borrow it to take care of it. And he is confused why I think I need my own account.
Yesterday we got into a big argument about money and he demanded I do a budget. So I was trying to do a budget of the basics we pay for and he then got into the schedule and started adding all the things we should do. Well we are $100 short on income just doing what we must and that doesn't begin to cover the things we should do. And I need a new car this year so I'm not sure where we begin to find money each month for a car payment and additional insurance.
When he started seeing I was serious about a divorce, he started changing his tune (actually it went, he spent years being miserable and he didn't seek a divorce, so why am I?) and is now willing to go to counseling. I have an appointment set up but honestly I think we have gone past the point of no return.
It is interesting to hear him excuse his behavior. For example, his online affair with a co-worker last year is excused by the fact that I could be doing the same thing and just haven't been caught. I mean, I have two email accounts (three if you count work), I text message a friend and have phone calls. So therefore, his behavior is excused because I have the same opportunity and just haven't been caught. AND he wouldn't have done that if things were good at home, so therefore it is my fault. He is a hypocrite on some issues and can't begin to see it.
I know I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but at least I believe I'm honest about myself. And I think this budget thing showed him that bringing hom $1K a month is not going to be easy for him to live on.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Love sucks!!!
Free form thinking, no logic going to happen here, I just have to purge. Lots of self pity so you are warned.
He isn't happy with anything in his life. No clue what to do to make it better. He whines about his job, his home life, etc. Honestly he says he is taking Lexapro ("and he hadn't been he would have left me a long time ago.") but I can't see that it is working for him because he walks around with a big case of angry.
So if he isn't happy with me, can he be happier without me? He doesn't know. All he can say is that he tried in the past and got hurt. I don't when he tried because I haven't seen that much effort from him in years. But he doesn't want to try now because he doesn't want to get hurt again. I told him that my trying all alone isn't going to save our marriage and he says he understands that. I tried to make him see that if he isn't going to make an effort, the marriage is over. He needs time.
He says he can't say how he feels when things happen and he has to bite his tongue. Well what he doesn't seem to realize is how when he is angry he just radiates pure anger. How often have I bit my tongue? Honestly most relationships have that in it. My mother and father rarely fight because they said they learned that most of the time whatever the argument was about wasn't really worth the hurt and if one did feel strongly enough to fight over it, the other didn't and would give in. As long as that is going on in something resembling fairness, it works.
And as angry as I am with him, I can't say in the words to express how much I still love him and need him. I can't imagine not hearing his voice everyday. I can't imagine not sitting next to him and scratching his back and cuddling.
Now don't think I'm plotting anything with my next comment, but I have wondered if something dramatic happened (like I was in a serious accident or sick), if he would come to realize how he feels.
But waiting for him to realize anything is killing me. I get lots of advice (online and IRL) to leave him but I can't imagine doing that. I can't imagine how I will go along with my days without him. I know I can if I have to but that's like imagining if your partner died suddenly. You could go on but who wishes for it?
I physically hurt right now. Deep down hurt like I have never hurt before. This is reality and unless he makes a sudden shift, I don't see a good ending.
Everyone tells me not to think I will be alone forever. It is hard to imagine life any other way. I have been with him all of my life, literally since I was 13. Even in my younger days no one else was interested in me. Now I'm fat, have 3 kids, no social life, over 40. I have never dated anyone else, never really kissed anyone else. My sister hasn't met the right man and she just turned 37. Honestly right now I can't imagine finding another someone else. And while being on their own works for some people, it isn't what I want.
T is old enough to pick where he goes. While J's working nights means he probably couldn't have T or would take him, I don't know how I would survive without at least T. And can't J see that he is giving up having any real relationship with his kids. I'm so incredibly sad that all they see of their dad is the mean man who keeps yelling and punishing them.
Life and love suck!!!
He isn't happy with anything in his life. No clue what to do to make it better. He whines about his job, his home life, etc. Honestly he says he is taking Lexapro ("and he hadn't been he would have left me a long time ago.") but I can't see that it is working for him because he walks around with a big case of angry.
So if he isn't happy with me, can he be happier without me? He doesn't know. All he can say is that he tried in the past and got hurt. I don't when he tried because I haven't seen that much effort from him in years. But he doesn't want to try now because he doesn't want to get hurt again. I told him that my trying all alone isn't going to save our marriage and he says he understands that. I tried to make him see that if he isn't going to make an effort, the marriage is over. He needs time.
He says he can't say how he feels when things happen and he has to bite his tongue. Well what he doesn't seem to realize is how when he is angry he just radiates pure anger. How often have I bit my tongue? Honestly most relationships have that in it. My mother and father rarely fight because they said they learned that most of the time whatever the argument was about wasn't really worth the hurt and if one did feel strongly enough to fight over it, the other didn't and would give in. As long as that is going on in something resembling fairness, it works.
And as angry as I am with him, I can't say in the words to express how much I still love him and need him. I can't imagine not hearing his voice everyday. I can't imagine not sitting next to him and scratching his back and cuddling.
Now don't think I'm plotting anything with my next comment, but I have wondered if something dramatic happened (like I was in a serious accident or sick), if he would come to realize how he feels.
But waiting for him to realize anything is killing me. I get lots of advice (online and IRL) to leave him but I can't imagine doing that. I can't imagine how I will go along with my days without him. I know I can if I have to but that's like imagining if your partner died suddenly. You could go on but who wishes for it?
I physically hurt right now. Deep down hurt like I have never hurt before. This is reality and unless he makes a sudden shift, I don't see a good ending.
Everyone tells me not to think I will be alone forever. It is hard to imagine life any other way. I have been with him all of my life, literally since I was 13. Even in my younger days no one else was interested in me. Now I'm fat, have 3 kids, no social life, over 40. I have never dated anyone else, never really kissed anyone else. My sister hasn't met the right man and she just turned 37. Honestly right now I can't imagine finding another someone else. And while being on their own works for some people, it isn't what I want.
T is old enough to pick where he goes. While J's working nights means he probably couldn't have T or would take him, I don't know how I would survive without at least T. And can't J see that he is giving up having any real relationship with his kids. I'm so incredibly sad that all they see of their dad is the mean man who keeps yelling and punishing them.
Life and love suck!!!
Saturday, March 10, 2007
More drama
You were warned, if you can't stand my drama these days, this is not the post from me to read.
I'm glad I got the sex when I did. Friday J & I spent most of the day fighting. Apparently he just can't get the mindset together to try to make things work. He has been unhappy for years with me. I have tried to tell him before how his constant anger is hard on us to be around. That is now twisted into me telling him what a bad father and a bad husband he is. He talks more and more about us separating. Today we took the kids on a day of shopping and kids being kids, they began to act up some and kept asking for things. It made him so furious that we came home, he refused the kids lunch and gave them an impossible task to get done or get a spanking.
So I fed them and helped them. Even with me driving them hard and helping, we barely got it done in the time limit and then I found out there was still more than I knew that was suppose to be done. I felt like I was being punished too and now he has it in his head that he isn't allowed to punish the kids. So I get to listen to them (not just today but often) comment how much they don't like Dad and what was I thinking marrying a man who cussed at them (I think he used the word damn or shit, not anything harder core than that).
Now we are texting and he keeps twisting the things I say around. I was trying to explain to him yesterday that he has a history of never knowing what he wants in life. He has spent all of his adult life going back and forth in careers. When he worked law enforcement, he missed working with his hands. When he worked with his hands, he wanted to be working public service. I was trying to show him that he has a history of "grass is always greener" syndrome. I used the phrase "you don't know what you want to be when you grow up", not as a slam about maturity which is how he took it but to point out that he keeps bouncing around and not settling into one thing. I have tried and tried to explain that he just doesn't know what he wants in life.
We can't even talk any more. I just don't see a way to make this work. I know I love him and I have looked forward to us growing old together. I know that it is hard on us raising kids and that we can't be like we used to be before kids but I also know that someday they will be gone and it will be the two of us again. But apparently from the way he talks and acts, there just isn't much hope for that. He isn't happy and he doesn't know what will make him happy. But it seems quite evident that being with me isn't part of that equation.
I started to fall in love with him again but it was one sided. He reminds me all the time that he has offers for sex and relationships. I know when we split that he will move on. And I know that in all of my life, he has been the only person who ever wanted me. I don't socialize, I don't have an environment where I would ever meet anyone else. So not only am I losing the one person I have loved, but I'm also ending up in a life all alone.
I'm glad I got the sex when I did. Friday J & I spent most of the day fighting. Apparently he just can't get the mindset together to try to make things work. He has been unhappy for years with me. I have tried to tell him before how his constant anger is hard on us to be around. That is now twisted into me telling him what a bad father and a bad husband he is. He talks more and more about us separating. Today we took the kids on a day of shopping and kids being kids, they began to act up some and kept asking for things. It made him so furious that we came home, he refused the kids lunch and gave them an impossible task to get done or get a spanking.
So I fed them and helped them. Even with me driving them hard and helping, we barely got it done in the time limit and then I found out there was still more than I knew that was suppose to be done. I felt like I was being punished too and now he has it in his head that he isn't allowed to punish the kids. So I get to listen to them (not just today but often) comment how much they don't like Dad and what was I thinking marrying a man who cussed at them (I think he used the word damn or shit, not anything harder core than that).
Now we are texting and he keeps twisting the things I say around. I was trying to explain to him yesterday that he has a history of never knowing what he wants in life. He has spent all of his adult life going back and forth in careers. When he worked law enforcement, he missed working with his hands. When he worked with his hands, he wanted to be working public service. I was trying to show him that he has a history of "grass is always greener" syndrome. I used the phrase "you don't know what you want to be when you grow up", not as a slam about maturity which is how he took it but to point out that he keeps bouncing around and not settling into one thing. I have tried and tried to explain that he just doesn't know what he wants in life.
We can't even talk any more. I just don't see a way to make this work. I know I love him and I have looked forward to us growing old together. I know that it is hard on us raising kids and that we can't be like we used to be before kids but I also know that someday they will be gone and it will be the two of us again. But apparently from the way he talks and acts, there just isn't much hope for that. He isn't happy and he doesn't know what will make him happy. But it seems quite evident that being with me isn't part of that equation.
I started to fall in love with him again but it was one sided. He reminds me all the time that he has offers for sex and relationships. I know when we split that he will move on. And I know that in all of my life, he has been the only person who ever wanted me. I don't socialize, I don't have an environment where I would ever meet anyone else. So not only am I losing the one person I have loved, but I'm also ending up in a life all alone.
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Whore, Slut, Ho
Where the hell did this sex drive come from?????
Goodness, for the last couple of years, I could have gone without sex for the rest of my life and never batted an eye. Then in the last couple of months, I relearned the word "HORNY".
So I packed off the kids to grandma's house and made a date with my husband. As we were getting into the car, I announced to him that I had put on my black corset. I hadn't worn it in easily a year, maybe longer. The look on his face was priceless. So we flirted a little during dinner, I gave him a handjob in the parking lot while we waited for the movie time to roll around and after the movie we went home for a sex marathon. And I let him have one of his long time fantasies, shaving me.
So a few observations. Three hours of sex does not make a struggling marriage all better. It helps and we both are better for it. It isn't an instant cure but it did build a few bridges.
And the other observation - I'm too old, fat and out of shape for that. My knees hurt and I was sore like I hadn't thought about.
And another observation - there is another grandmother who could use some bonding time with her grandkids.
And another observation - it is good to have a friend I can talk about these things with. I have always been rather private about sex matters but this is one time I felt like bragging and telling the gory details. It isn't the same rehashing it with J but with a friend, it is good.
And another observation - I need more sexy clothes.
Goodness, for the last couple of years, I could have gone without sex for the rest of my life and never batted an eye. Then in the last couple of months, I relearned the word "HORNY".
So I packed off the kids to grandma's house and made a date with my husband. As we were getting into the car, I announced to him that I had put on my black corset. I hadn't worn it in easily a year, maybe longer. The look on his face was priceless. So we flirted a little during dinner, I gave him a handjob in the parking lot while we waited for the movie time to roll around and after the movie we went home for a sex marathon. And I let him have one of his long time fantasies, shaving me.
So a few observations. Three hours of sex does not make a struggling marriage all better. It helps and we both are better for it. It isn't an instant cure but it did build a few bridges.
And the other observation - I'm too old, fat and out of shape for that. My knees hurt and I was sore like I hadn't thought about.
And another observation - there is another grandmother who could use some bonding time with her grandkids.
And another observation - it is good to have a friend I can talk about these things with. I have always been rather private about sex matters but this is one time I felt like bragging and telling the gory details. It isn't the same rehashing it with J but with a friend, it is good.
And another observation - I need more sexy clothes.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
And now for something totally different
I can't remember if I have mentioned this before, but I do have some unusual dreams. Every so often I have an extremely vivid dream of someone else's life. I don't know who or why, but in the dream, I am someone totally different. Nothing in the dream is familiar to my regular life. 1000% of it is unrelated to me. Only once was it dramatic, where I saw a crime committed (Alison DuBois kinda moment) but I never saw anything in the news to make me believe I was accessing something happening.
So anyway last night's was very different. I was an 17 year old girl. My family had over a dozen kids and we had all been adopted. There was a brother that I thought of as my twin, even though we were not blood relatives, we were just the same age. We were the oldest of all the kids and like in many large families, we helped out a lot with our siblings.
Our father was a doctor and honestly I don't remember the mother in the dream. I do remember some red headed brothers who were very mischevious. Dad had been transferred to a new hospital, one that was largely empty. The only patients were all in comas and so there wasn't too much worry about all of us kids in disturbing the patients. We moved into the hospital and the girls had one ward and the boys had another. My "twin" managed an exam room of his own but I slept with my sisters.
Apparently I must have been ill or somehow very fragile. I know at one point, I found an abandoned waterfall garden and I fell into the water. My twin brother carried me in and there was a great deal of fussing, which seemed comfortable, like I was used to the fuss.
Oh and an important note, Dad looked Thomas Gibson. Not exactly like him but that kind of good looking. Again, nothing like my real life. ;-)
There were several other fragments of the life, very detailed, very full bodied memories which have stuck with me even after these hours of being awake. And another interesting thing is that this dream all occurred with these high level of details in just a couple of hours. I didn't sleep much last night so I can pretty much pin point the exact hours I had this dream. This is common when I have these types of dreams.
Someday I would love to have a good explanation for these. But for now, it is kind of fun to live someone else's life, even if just for a couple of hours. I didn't grab any names in this one, but often I do, at least first names. Never enough to say where they happen or even when. Just a piece of someone else's life. I just hope that whoever it is isn't getting my life in exchange. That just wouldn't be fair.
So anyway last night's was very different. I was an 17 year old girl. My family had over a dozen kids and we had all been adopted. There was a brother that I thought of as my twin, even though we were not blood relatives, we were just the same age. We were the oldest of all the kids and like in many large families, we helped out a lot with our siblings.
Our father was a doctor and honestly I don't remember the mother in the dream. I do remember some red headed brothers who were very mischevious. Dad had been transferred to a new hospital, one that was largely empty. The only patients were all in comas and so there wasn't too much worry about all of us kids in disturbing the patients. We moved into the hospital and the girls had one ward and the boys had another. My "twin" managed an exam room of his own but I slept with my sisters.
Apparently I must have been ill or somehow very fragile. I know at one point, I found an abandoned waterfall garden and I fell into the water. My twin brother carried me in and there was a great deal of fussing, which seemed comfortable, like I was used to the fuss.
Oh and an important note, Dad looked Thomas Gibson. Not exactly like him but that kind of good looking. Again, nothing like my real life. ;-)
There were several other fragments of the life, very detailed, very full bodied memories which have stuck with me even after these hours of being awake. And another interesting thing is that this dream all occurred with these high level of details in just a couple of hours. I didn't sleep much last night so I can pretty much pin point the exact hours I had this dream. This is common when I have these types of dreams.
Someday I would love to have a good explanation for these. But for now, it is kind of fun to live someone else's life, even if just for a couple of hours. I didn't grab any names in this one, but often I do, at least first names. Never enough to say where they happen or even when. Just a piece of someone else's life. I just hope that whoever it is isn't getting my life in exchange. That just wouldn't be fair.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
One of those little things
So maybe it was last year that J told me that he slept better with my pillow. Something about how I scrunch it up and how it smelled like my shampoo, etc. It was a very sweet little moment and stood in my memory because he doesn't say sappy things like that.
Ok so now let's move forward to the more recent past. A couple of months ago, J got territorial about which pillows go on which side of the bed, to the point he wrote our names on the pillows. It drove me a little nuts and I did notice that suddenly my pillow wasn't as comfortable, etc. Hmmm, wonder how that happens. But I decided to not make a big issue out of it.
So yesterday I washed our sheets, working on decontaminating our house a little and when we were making the bed, I subtly pointed out how my pillow had both his and mine names on it. Then I reminded him how he commented on liking my pillow so much and how over time, it had become his pillow. He switched them back.
Little things.
Ok so now let's move forward to the more recent past. A couple of months ago, J got territorial about which pillows go on which side of the bed, to the point he wrote our names on the pillows. It drove me a little nuts and I did notice that suddenly my pillow wasn't as comfortable, etc. Hmmm, wonder how that happens. But I decided to not make a big issue out of it.
So yesterday I washed our sheets, working on decontaminating our house a little and when we were making the bed, I subtly pointed out how my pillow had both his and mine names on it. Then I reminded him how he commented on liking my pillow so much and how over time, it had become his pillow. He switched them back.
Little things.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Valentine's Day card from Hell
Here is what J wrote.
I know right now we are having problems and we don't know how it will end. All we can do is have hope. I do appreciate everything you do and I do love you. I do feel that but to what level I just don't know. Maybe if we can work this out, it will make us stronger in the end. If not then we know we tried. I still want to tell you I love you but at the same time not mislead you.
Just remember I do love you but love cannot fix everything. If it could then we would not be here we are right now. I would have fixed it a long time ago. Just remember it takes time for things to fail and to get fixed. And we both need time to think and see what happens.
BTW I did not get your gift as the kids were sick and we need to understand what's going on.
Isn't that the sentiment every woman wants to hear on Valentine's Day?
I know right now we are having problems and we don't know how it will end. All we can do is have hope. I do appreciate everything you do and I do love you. I do feel that but to what level I just don't know. Maybe if we can work this out, it will make us stronger in the end. If not then we know we tried. I still want to tell you I love you but at the same time not mislead you.
Just remember I do love you but love cannot fix everything. If it could then we would not be here we are right now. I would have fixed it a long time ago. Just remember it takes time for things to fail and to get fixed. And we both need time to think and see what happens.
BTW I did not get your gift as the kids were sick and we need to understand what's going on.
Isn't that the sentiment every woman wants to hear on Valentine's Day?
Monday, February 12, 2007
Today
So I sent him an email (not sure if he has read it yet but that besides the point) that I was going to give him his space. I'm not initiating sex, love, affection, etc. If he wants to initiate I will be a very willing participant but I'm not going to smother him while he is trying to figure out what he wants. And maybe, he will start to see what kind of life he is picking if he doesn't have me always reaching out to scratch his back or to give a foot rub without being asked. I don't think he realizes all the little things I have always done for him without being asked to. I'm not shutting him out but I'm not going to demean myself telling him I love him and offering affection when he isn't sure what he feels.
Yes I have been crying a lot last night and today. I came home and of course I'm unlucky enough to have one of those faces that swells up with the first tear so he knew I had been crying. I didn't say anything about all that we have discussed, just kept the conversation on things like how KB is doing (she has been running a fever today) or about Trevor going to the concert to see the girl across the street play her band instrument. As he was leaving he looked like he is really feeling bad because he knows that he is the reason I'm so sad right now. That's fine, I'm not going to pretend that I'm ok with this limbo. I don't want him to think that he can just wait out making a decision. I want to work with him on making a relationship work but at the same time I'm not going to be a doormat either.
Yes I have been crying a lot last night and today. I came home and of course I'm unlucky enough to have one of those faces that swells up with the first tear so he knew I had been crying. I didn't say anything about all that we have discussed, just kept the conversation on things like how KB is doing (she has been running a fever today) or about Trevor going to the concert to see the girl across the street play her band instrument. As he was leaving he looked like he is really feeling bad because he knows that he is the reason I'm so sad right now. That's fine, I'm not going to pretend that I'm ok with this limbo. I don't want him to think that he can just wait out making a decision. I want to work with him on making a relationship work but at the same time I'm not going to be a doormat either.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
The beginning of the end?
Well things have been rocky for a while with me & J. We have had a couple of heart to heart talks about trying to salvage our marriage. I have been making a full scale attempt to make things better but he hasn't and he admits he is having a hard time trying.
Basically I told him tonight that he needs to figure out what he wants. I'm tired of trying to be a wife if he isn't going to try to be a husband. He's angry with all of us half the time he is around and when he is around, he pretty much wants to sleep. But nothing we do around here makes him happy. He doesn't like anything and everyone is tired of being yelled at.
He's good friends with women at work. The other morning I woke up to find him in the kitchen talking on the phone with one. He talks to them on the phone and I wouldn't be surprised that he texts them. He admits he would have problems if I was talking to men like he talks to women but yet he doesn't want to give up his friends. It does bother me that he is more willing to talk to them than he is to me. But yet I do understand the need to talk with friends. He says without them he would have been gone.
And he admits he isn't sure that he does love me. I know I love him but I'm reaching the point where I know that I can't continue the pretense of this all. He had been talking about getting me a Valentine's Day gift and I told him not to waste the time or money until he knows that he loves me, that right now it is a cruel insult to me. He even refused sex the other day because he feels like it is wrong while he is trying to figure out what he wants.
While I want this to work out, I guess I need to prepare myself for the possibility of how I'm going to raise 3 kids on my own. But let me say that it hurts deeply to hear someone you have been married to for 22 years to say the words that he isn't sure that he loves you any more.
Basically I told him tonight that he needs to figure out what he wants. I'm tired of trying to be a wife if he isn't going to try to be a husband. He's angry with all of us half the time he is around and when he is around, he pretty much wants to sleep. But nothing we do around here makes him happy. He doesn't like anything and everyone is tired of being yelled at.
He's good friends with women at work. The other morning I woke up to find him in the kitchen talking on the phone with one. He talks to them on the phone and I wouldn't be surprised that he texts them. He admits he would have problems if I was talking to men like he talks to women but yet he doesn't want to give up his friends. It does bother me that he is more willing to talk to them than he is to me. But yet I do understand the need to talk with friends. He says without them he would have been gone.
And he admits he isn't sure that he does love me. I know I love him but I'm reaching the point where I know that I can't continue the pretense of this all. He had been talking about getting me a Valentine's Day gift and I told him not to waste the time or money until he knows that he loves me, that right now it is a cruel insult to me. He even refused sex the other day because he feels like it is wrong while he is trying to figure out what he wants.
While I want this to work out, I guess I need to prepare myself for the possibility of how I'm going to raise 3 kids on my own. But let me say that it hurts deeply to hear someone you have been married to for 22 years to say the words that he isn't sure that he loves you any more.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
