Love sucks!!!

Free form thinking, no logic going to happen here, I just have to purge. Lots of self pity so you are warned.

He isn't happy with anything in his life. No clue what to do to make it better. He whines about his job, his home life, etc. Honestly he says he is taking Lexapro ("and he hadn't been he would have left me a long time ago.") but I can't see that it is working for him because he walks around with a big case of angry.

So if he isn't happy with me, can he be happier without me? He doesn't know. All he can say is that he tried in the past and got hurt. I don't when he tried because I haven't seen that much effort from him in years. But he doesn't want to try now because he doesn't want to get hurt again. I told him that my trying all alone isn't going to save our marriage and he says he understands that. I tried to make him see that if he isn't going to make an effort, the marriage is over. He needs time.

He says he can't say how he feels when things happen and he has to bite his tongue. Well what he doesn't seem to realize is how when he is angry he just radiates pure anger. How often have I bit my tongue? Honestly most relationships have that in it. My mother and father rarely fight because they said they learned that most of the time whatever the argument was about wasn't really worth the hurt and if one did feel strongly enough to fight over it, the other didn't and would give in. As long as that is going on in something resembling fairness, it works.

And as angry as I am with him, I can't say in the words to express how much I still love him and need him. I can't imagine not hearing his voice everyday. I can't imagine not sitting next to him and scratching his back and cuddling.

Now don't think I'm plotting anything with my next comment, but I have wondered if something dramatic happened (like I was in a serious accident or sick), if he would come to realize how he feels.

But waiting for him to realize anything is killing me. I get lots of advice (online and IRL) to leave him but I can't imagine doing that. I can't imagine how I will go along with my days without him. I know I can if I have to but that's like imagining if your partner died suddenly. You could go on but who wishes for it?

I physically hurt right now. Deep down hurt like I have never hurt before. This is reality and unless he makes a sudden shift, I don't see a good ending.

Everyone tells me not to think I will be alone forever. It is hard to imagine life any other way. I have been with him all of my life, literally since I was 13. Even in my younger days no one else was interested in me. Now I'm fat, have 3 kids, no social life, over 40. I have never dated anyone else, never really kissed anyone else. My sister hasn't met the right man and she just turned 37. Honestly right now I can't imagine finding another someone else. And while being on their own works for some people, it isn't what I want.

T is old enough to pick where he goes. While J's working nights means he probably couldn't have T or would take him, I don't know how I would survive without at least T. And can't J see that he is giving up having any real relationship with his kids. I'm so incredibly sad that all they see of their dad is the mean man who keeps yelling and punishing them.

Life and love suck!!!

More drama

You were warned, if you can't stand my drama these days, this is not the post from me to read.

I'm glad I got the sex when I did. Friday J & I spent most of the day fighting. Apparently he just can't get the mindset together to try to make things work. He has been unhappy for years with me. I have tried to tell him before how his constant anger is hard on us to be around. That is now twisted into me telling him what a bad father and a bad husband he is. He talks more and more about us separating. Today we took the kids on a day of shopping and kids being kids, they began to act up some and kept asking for things. It made him so furious that we came home, he refused the kids lunch and gave them an impossible task to get done or get a spanking.

So I fed them and helped them. Even with me driving them hard and helping, we barely got it done in the time limit and then I found out there was still more than I knew that was suppose to be done. I felt like I was being punished too and now he has it in his head that he isn't allowed to punish the kids. So I get to listen to them (not just today but often) comment how much they don't like Dad and what was I thinking marrying a man who cussed at them (I think he used the word damn or shit, not anything harder core than that).

Now we are texting and he keeps twisting the things I say around. I was trying to explain to him yesterday that he has a history of never knowing what he wants in life. He has spent all of his adult life going back and forth in careers. When he worked law enforcement, he missed working with his hands. When he worked with his hands, he wanted to be working public service. I was trying to show him that he has a history of "grass is always greener" syndrome. I used the phrase "you don't know what you want to be when you grow up", not as a slam about maturity which is how he took it but to point out that he keeps bouncing around and not settling into one thing. I have tried and tried to explain that he just doesn't know what he wants in life.

We can't even talk any more. I just don't see a way to make this work. I know I love him and I have looked forward to us growing old together. I know that it is hard on us raising kids and that we can't be like we used to be before kids but I also know that someday they will be gone and it will be the two of us again. But apparently from the way he talks and acts, there just isn't much hope for that. He isn't happy and he doesn't know what will make him happy. But it seems quite evident that being with me isn't part of that equation.

I started to fall in love with him again but it was one sided. He reminds me all the time that he has offers for sex and relationships. I know when we split that he will move on. And I know that in all of my life, he has been the only person who ever wanted me. I don't socialize, I don't have an environment where I would ever meet anyone else. So not only am I losing the one person I have loved, but I'm also ending up in a life all alone.

Whore, Slut, Ho

Where the hell did this sex drive come from?????

Goodness, for the last couple of years, I could have gone without sex for the rest of my life and never batted an eye. Then in the last couple of months, I relearned the word "HORNY".

So I packed off the kids to grandma's house and made a date with my husband. As we were getting into the car, I announced to him that I had put on my black corset. I hadn't worn it in easily a year, maybe longer. The look on his face was priceless. So we flirted a little during dinner, I gave him a handjob in the parking lot while we waited for the movie time to roll around and after the movie we went home for a sex marathon. And I let him have one of his long time fantasies, shaving me.

So a few observations. Three hours of sex does not make a struggling marriage all better. It helps and we both are better for it. It isn't an instant cure but it did build a few bridges.

And the other observation - I'm too old, fat and out of shape for that. My knees hurt and I was sore like I hadn't thought about.

And another observation - there is another grandmother who could use some bonding time with her grandkids.

And another observation - it is good to have a friend I can talk about these things with. I have always been rather private about sex matters but this is one time I felt like bragging and telling the gory details. It isn't the same rehashing it with J but with a friend, it is good.

And another observation - I need more sexy clothes.