Free form thinking, no logic going to happen here, I just have to purge. Lots of self pity so you are warned.
He isn't happy with anything in his life. No clue what to do to make it better. He whines about his job, his home life, etc. Honestly he says he is taking Lexapro ("and he hadn't been he would have left me a long time ago.") but I can't see that it is working for him because he walks around with a big case of angry.
So if he isn't happy with me, can he be happier without me? He doesn't know. All he can say is that he tried in the past and got hurt. I don't when he tried because I haven't seen that much effort from him in years. But he doesn't want to try now because he doesn't want to get hurt again. I told him that my trying all alone isn't going to save our marriage and he says he understands that. I tried to make him see that if he isn't going to make an effort, the marriage is over. He needs time.
He says he can't say how he feels when things happen and he has to bite his tongue. Well what he doesn't seem to realize is how when he is angry he just radiates pure anger. How often have I bit my tongue? Honestly most relationships have that in it. My mother and father rarely fight because they said they learned that most of the time whatever the argument was about wasn't really worth the hurt and if one did feel strongly enough to fight over it, the other didn't and would give in. As long as that is going on in something resembling fairness, it works.
And as angry as I am with him, I can't say in the words to express how much I still love him and need him. I can't imagine not hearing his voice everyday. I can't imagine not sitting next to him and scratching his back and cuddling.
Now don't think I'm plotting anything with my next comment, but I have wondered if something dramatic happened (like I was in a serious accident or sick), if he would come to realize how he feels.
But waiting for him to realize anything is killing me. I get lots of advice (online and IRL) to leave him but I can't imagine doing that. I can't imagine how I will go along with my days without him. I know I can if I have to but that's like imagining if your partner died suddenly. You could go on but who wishes for it?
I physically hurt right now. Deep down hurt like I have never hurt before. This is reality and unless he makes a sudden shift, I don't see a good ending.
Everyone tells me not to think I will be alone forever. It is hard to imagine life any other way. I have been with him all of my life, literally since I was 13. Even in my younger days no one else was interested in me. Now I'm fat, have 3 kids, no social life, over 40. I have never dated anyone else, never really kissed anyone else. My sister hasn't met the right man and she just turned 37. Honestly right now I can't imagine finding another someone else. And while being on their own works for some people, it isn't what I want.
T is old enough to pick where he goes. While J's working nights means he probably couldn't have T or would take him, I don't know how I would survive without at least T. And can't J see that he is giving up having any real relationship with his kids. I'm so incredibly sad that all they see of their dad is the mean man who keeps yelling and punishing them.
Life and love suck!!!
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
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1 comment:
i hope you're doing okay, girly. i've been thinking about you.
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