Sucky day. No one to eat lunch with today. A couple of phone calls wishing me Happy Birthday and that is it. No presents. As usual, J gave me excuses how he is looking for the perfect gift. Yeah, I did the shitty thing and reminded him that I'm still waiting for my Mother's Day present that he was looking for.
Came home and not even artwork from the kids. I get to cook supper tonight. All I want is one day a year where I'm special. Everyone knew how much I hated this birthday. Instead I get to spend the weekend painting my mother's bathroom. I didn't even get taken out to dinner.
I should know better than to expect anything. It is my job to make them feel special.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Let's admit it
I'm depressed. Massively depressed.
I can't stand turning 40. I know I need to see it as a number that I'm no different than I was a year ago. I can't get past it. My body is falling apart. My hair is so grey.
Right now my job sucks. I know as a supervisor I'm not suppose to care about popularity, yadada. But it hurts like hell to realize no one really likes me except my boss. I'm only human. I keep taking it on the chin about their feelings but I want to scream, dammit, I have feelings too.
I know my depression comes from being worn out. I didn't go to work today just because I'm sick to my stomach which is because I'm tired. Just deep down tired.
I can't stand turning 40. I know I need to see it as a number that I'm no different than I was a year ago. I can't get past it. My body is falling apart. My hair is so grey.
Right now my job sucks. I know as a supervisor I'm not suppose to care about popularity, yadada. But it hurts like hell to realize no one really likes me except my boss. I'm only human. I keep taking it on the chin about their feelings but I want to scream, dammit, I have feelings too.
I know my depression comes from being worn out. I didn't go to work today just because I'm sick to my stomach which is because I'm tired. Just deep down tired.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Bad night last night
Last night (Friday) J got called out for ambulance duty on one of the nastiest ones ever. Car on an old country road with mom, 5 yr old girl, 9 yr old boy and 14 yr old girl was hit by a drunk driver. The mother was killed instantly and it will be a true miracle if all of the kids survive. Two of them were taken by helicopter to large city hospitals because of the extent of their injuries and it isn't like we have the most rinky-dink hospital here. The details of their injuries are too gruesome to go into but it shook J bad. Luckily his volunteer ambulance did immediate crisis management and did a counseling session with everyone before they left the station house.
The father was called to the scene. I can't begin to imagine his anguish. His children are at 3 separate hospitals with grim possibilities ahead, his wife is dead. In just a moment, his world was shattered.
And as it often happens, the drunk driver was barely hurt. It was his 3rd DUI incident. There isn't a hell deep or hot enough for him. I have tried to pity him as someone who has a problem but still, there is this family who will never be the same again. I just can't pity him.
The father was called to the scene. I can't begin to imagine his anguish. His children are at 3 separate hospitals with grim possibilities ahead, his wife is dead. In just a moment, his world was shattered.
And as it often happens, the drunk driver was barely hurt. It was his 3rd DUI incident. There isn't a hell deep or hot enough for him. I have tried to pity him as someone who has a problem but still, there is this family who will never be the same again. I just can't pity him.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Eating anger - more work bs
No I haven't forgotten to blog. I'm actually been working on eating some anger. I won't win any ground by expressing to anyone how I really feel about some things at work. So I'm taking the high road and just concentrating on getting my work done. Somewhere along the line I have pissed someone off. She is leaving but she is working on making me look and feel bad. If I defend myself against this sneak attack, I'm making excuses. I'm kinda seeing that my boss is getting the hint so my best course is to just let the person bury herself. She will be gone in Jan no matter what.
Part of what really burns me is that I have defended her so many times when people have badmouthed her. She didn't use to be this way towards me. I'm finding out that she has resented when I handled the acquisition. She didn't want to travel so it went to me because I was willing to. I'm guessing she felt passed over and then she was definitely passed over for another position (which had nothing to do with me). She is leaving to improve her education so that she is able to move forward with her career.
One of her things was that she didn't think I should get her office when she leaves. My boss was like, so who should since I have the most seniority? But apparently this person thinks that my getting the bigger office will cause hard feelings. Why? Right now, I'm the third in command in the office, I will be second after she leaves. My current office will go to the next higher person who will be thrilled with it.
Most of this shit is petty but it is the volume coming from someone I had thought of as a friend that gets to me.
Part of what really burns me is that I have defended her so many times when people have badmouthed her. She didn't use to be this way towards me. I'm finding out that she has resented when I handled the acquisition. She didn't want to travel so it went to me because I was willing to. I'm guessing she felt passed over and then she was definitely passed over for another position (which had nothing to do with me). She is leaving to improve her education so that she is able to move forward with her career.
One of her things was that she didn't think I should get her office when she leaves. My boss was like, so who should since I have the most seniority? But apparently this person thinks that my getting the bigger office will cause hard feelings. Why? Right now, I'm the third in command in the office, I will be second after she leaves. My current office will go to the next higher person who will be thrilled with it.
Most of this shit is petty but it is the volume coming from someone I had thought of as a friend that gets to me.
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