This morning I found out one of my great aunts passed away during the night. She was my grandmother's youngest sister. We had no reason to see this coming. She had been having some very minor health problems with vomitting but we didn't think of it as life threatening.
She was closer to my dad's age than my grandmother's. All my life she was the aunt I was closest to. Although she was my father's aunt, she and my mother have been very good friends over the years.
Three of the four sisters died this year. The oldest has Alzheimers and is in a nursing home. She never had kids and so the youngest sister had been taking care of her. It looks like we will have to move her to another home so that she is closer to family.
In our family, deaths always come in threes. We usually are spending time at the 2nd funeral, wondering who is the next person. This is three and unfortunately we have two more who are close. One is the great aunt with the Alzheimers who isn't in good health. The other is a cousin who was in an accident a few years ago and has been a quadpeglic. This last year he had a large tumor removed. Now he has cancer of the laranyx and it can't be operated on and he has just a short period of time left.
I have been very blessed to grow up in a large extended family that is close to each other. But these are the times that make you realize it does come with some pain too. I will miss my aunt Kathi. She was a big hearted woman who was sugary sweet without being nausating. In some ways this hurts more than losing my grandmother. Kathi wasn't done living her life. I can picture her in Heaven giving someone hell for taking her before her work was done. My grandmother was done and ready to go. I'll miss her but I understood it was time. This time I can't accept that.
I feel so bad for my cousins who lost their mother and grandmother. I can't begin to imagine how much they hurt right now.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Monday, December 25, 2006
Country music
Ok on to other subjects for a little while (yes, De Nile is a lovely place to hang out).
Country music. J has been watching videos a lot lately and I'm getting hooked again. It doesn't hurt that I got a MP3 from him so I can feed the habit.
First - Toby Keith is damn funny. If you can, catch the "Little Too Late" video, you will see what I mean. It is a sick twisted thought that leaves you laughing at the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeVEbhAFgI8
I also still love the song "Beer for my Horses". And he isn't hard to look at either.
Second - OMG, I haven't panted over a man in ages. Ok maybe Tony Romo for making football exciting (until the Christmas game, which I can't discuss). But I must say Troy Gentry is a fine sample of manhood. He is the better looking half of Montgomery Gentry (the one without the cowboy hat in case you question what I like). I can watch this video all day long. I like the song and the message, but I especially like the face. Whoa baby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkZKOYsz5yA
One gig of memory on my MP3 just isn't enough. J does this to me every time. Last one he bought couldn't do books (didn't have a resume capability). This one is too small. He means well and I'm certainly thrilled to be able to listen to music at work again. I hate radio stations with commercials and people talking. When I'm in the mood for music, I don't want to hear talk. If I want talk, I know the talk radio station for either politics or for sports.
Next adventure is that he wants to go dancing. Haha, I didn't dance when I was young. I can't imagine I'm going to find a beat now.
Country music. J has been watching videos a lot lately and I'm getting hooked again. It doesn't hurt that I got a MP3 from him so I can feed the habit.
First - Toby Keith is damn funny. If you can, catch the "Little Too Late" video, you will see what I mean. It is a sick twisted thought that leaves you laughing at the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeVEbhAFgI8
I also still love the song "Beer for my Horses". And he isn't hard to look at either.
Second - OMG, I haven't panted over a man in ages. Ok maybe Tony Romo for making football exciting (until the Christmas game, which I can't discuss). But I must say Troy Gentry is a fine sample of manhood. He is the better looking half of Montgomery Gentry (the one without the cowboy hat in case you question what I like). I can watch this video all day long. I like the song and the message, but I especially like the face. Whoa baby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkZKOYsz5yA
One gig of memory on my MP3 just isn't enough. J does this to me every time. Last one he bought couldn't do books (didn't have a resume capability). This one is too small. He means well and I'm certainly thrilled to be able to listen to music at work again. I hate radio stations with commercials and people talking. When I'm in the mood for music, I don't want to hear talk. If I want talk, I know the talk radio station for either politics or for sports.
Next adventure is that he wants to go dancing. Haha, I didn't dance when I was young. I can't imagine I'm going to find a beat now.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Sad
I have been looking at where I am in my life and I can honestly say I'm not happy with where I am.
I have family that I love but I am the one who initiates most conversations.
I have no friends at work. The only friend that I talk to is not very close by. I have no one around to do things with.
I have tried to make friends but always seem to miss.
I'm lonely. J is never here and when he is, he still isn't here.
Just a really low point right now.
I have family that I love but I am the one who initiates most conversations.
I have no friends at work. The only friend that I talk to is not very close by. I have no one around to do things with.
I have tried to make friends but always seem to miss.
I'm lonely. J is never here and when he is, he still isn't here.
Just a really low point right now.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Saying goodbye to my grandmother
Just a rambling post while I process some moments of grief.
I used to stay with Mama T in the summer. She lived on the banks of a river and just below a dam. When the river was down, I could play with some neighborhood girls in the river. But today I'm remembering moments when the river had been up pretty high, usually after a good hard rain. Mama T and I would walk along the banks of the river, searching for treasures. Treasures came in all kind of forms, old bottles, interesting shells, all sort of things.
She was a very easy going grandmother. She let us go skinny dipping (which didn't last very long because we got nervous because of the cows watching us). She let us stay up late and I learned about watching Johnny Carson with her. She had a game show addiction and we watched a lot of game shows together. She taught me how to play Solitaire and how to do massages.
She couldn't cook. I never knew anyone could ruin Kraft Mac & cheese like she did. She was not a domestic goddess, which explains my genetic ineptness for housework.
For a girl from a small town, she got to go to Okinawa and Japan. She lived all over the country, Maryland, Arizona, California and of course all over Texas.
Another great memory was her love of pulling over on the side of the road to read historical markers. A 20 minute drive to a grocery store could take over an hour if she knew of some markers for me to read. I need to find time with my kids to teach them about reading markers.
She loved birds and squirrels and had little places for them all over the yard. It didn't matter to her that the squirrels were destructive little rodents, she still loved them. And she had her mother's love of flower beds and you never knew where a flower bed would suddenly spring up or what would become a flower pot.
One of my very favorite memories was when my family was about to move to a new city. As things were being moved, I suddenly realized that I was about to be exposed for hiding the things I couldn't eat behind the deep freeze that had been in the dining room. I began to cry and she came to console me. I confessed to her and she said she would take care of it. She pulled out the deep freeze and together we disposed of the evidence (which wasn't as much as I thought it would be). Years later, when my statute of limitations was over, at a family get together, I told the story. My aunt was furious because when the same woman (my grandmother, her mother) had found out the same thing about my aunt, she made my aunt eat the food and my aunt was upset that I hadn't been punished like she had. My grandmother just smiled and said that was the difference of a mother vs a grandmother.
Over the years, I wasn't as close to her. I went from being her first grandchild and a favorite to some other cousins becoming the center of her world. I have watched those cousins take and take from her and continued to feel hurt that they could do that to her and she could still love them blindly. Her obsessive Christian thoughts made me uncomfortable. I let those things get in the way of letting my kids get to know her better.
I still have some time left with my grandfather and I will try to make up for lost time. He is an amazing man and I want them to know that. And someday when I'm a grandmother I will try to be like her in some ways and not like her in others.
I used to stay with Mama T in the summer. She lived on the banks of a river and just below a dam. When the river was down, I could play with some neighborhood girls in the river. But today I'm remembering moments when the river had been up pretty high, usually after a good hard rain. Mama T and I would walk along the banks of the river, searching for treasures. Treasures came in all kind of forms, old bottles, interesting shells, all sort of things.
She was a very easy going grandmother. She let us go skinny dipping (which didn't last very long because we got nervous because of the cows watching us). She let us stay up late and I learned about watching Johnny Carson with her. She had a game show addiction and we watched a lot of game shows together. She taught me how to play Solitaire and how to do massages.
She couldn't cook. I never knew anyone could ruin Kraft Mac & cheese like she did. She was not a domestic goddess, which explains my genetic ineptness for housework.
For a girl from a small town, she got to go to Okinawa and Japan. She lived all over the country, Maryland, Arizona, California and of course all over Texas.
Another great memory was her love of pulling over on the side of the road to read historical markers. A 20 minute drive to a grocery store could take over an hour if she knew of some markers for me to read. I need to find time with my kids to teach them about reading markers.
She loved birds and squirrels and had little places for them all over the yard. It didn't matter to her that the squirrels were destructive little rodents, she still loved them. And she had her mother's love of flower beds and you never knew where a flower bed would suddenly spring up or what would become a flower pot.
One of my very favorite memories was when my family was about to move to a new city. As things were being moved, I suddenly realized that I was about to be exposed for hiding the things I couldn't eat behind the deep freeze that had been in the dining room. I began to cry and she came to console me. I confessed to her and she said she would take care of it. She pulled out the deep freeze and together we disposed of the evidence (which wasn't as much as I thought it would be). Years later, when my statute of limitations was over, at a family get together, I told the story. My aunt was furious because when the same woman (my grandmother, her mother) had found out the same thing about my aunt, she made my aunt eat the food and my aunt was upset that I hadn't been punished like she had. My grandmother just smiled and said that was the difference of a mother vs a grandmother.
Over the years, I wasn't as close to her. I went from being her first grandchild and a favorite to some other cousins becoming the center of her world. I have watched those cousins take and take from her and continued to feel hurt that they could do that to her and she could still love them blindly. Her obsessive Christian thoughts made me uncomfortable. I let those things get in the way of letting my kids get to know her better.
I still have some time left with my grandfather and I will try to make up for lost time. He is an amazing man and I want them to know that. And someday when I'm a grandmother I will try to be like her in some ways and not like her in others.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Life
My grandmother passed away this week. I still had to go to work to meet people who had traveled into my part of the world just to be with me. That night we took T to his employment's end of year party (I love having a responsible 13 year with a job). Saturday I spent the morning sitting with my dad. We talked football, we talked memories and he shared stories with me I hadn't heard before and we rehashed a few I have heard before. Then I took the kids out to my grandfather's house (always before we called it my grandmother's house, that will be an adjustment). The kids hung out with with cousins and I hung out with the adults. It was a nice day.
The funeral home they are using are here in my little town. The local paper does obits for free, unlike all the other papers that are relevant. And the funeral home distribues a little obit flyer to all the local businesses and they post them in easy to see spots. It might sound weird but it is sweet. It gives people a chance to know about a passing that they might not have heard about. Once again I love the community we have moved into it.
But life continues on and I have a moral challenge. The visitation time is at the same time as one of the most important Cowboy games to come around for a long time. And I have a very best friend who is going to keep me updated on the score with text messaging and J is going to help out by setting up the VCR for me.
The only thing I'm truly sad about is my grandfather being alone. They were a true loving couple, childhood sweethearts that lied about their ages to get married. He has CHF and is diabetic and we have had him longer than we were promised. I'm now keenly aware that time is counting down for him. As much as I loved my grandmother, my grandfather has been even more for me. And now I really worry about my cousin taking him for all he is worth.
The funeral home they are using are here in my little town. The local paper does obits for free, unlike all the other papers that are relevant. And the funeral home distribues a little obit flyer to all the local businesses and they post them in easy to see spots. It might sound weird but it is sweet. It gives people a chance to know about a passing that they might not have heard about. Once again I love the community we have moved into it.
But life continues on and I have a moral challenge. The visitation time is at the same time as one of the most important Cowboy games to come around for a long time. And I have a very best friend who is going to keep me updated on the score with text messaging and J is going to help out by setting up the VCR for me.
The only thing I'm truly sad about is my grandfather being alone. They were a true loving couple, childhood sweethearts that lied about their ages to get married. He has CHF and is diabetic and we have had him longer than we were promised. I'm now keenly aware that time is counting down for him. As much as I loved my grandmother, my grandfather has been even more for me. And now I really worry about my cousin taking him for all he is worth.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Yes I have been away
Life has been a wild roller coaster ride. I'm never too sure if I'm about to be fired or promoted. J is now working 3 jobs and will be adding a 4th one soon. None of them pay well yet but there is a possibility that he will get a job in a few months that will. He will be gone 21 days straight if he gets it, but then will be off 21 days where he could still work one of his current jobs part time.
I had a laproscopic hysterectomy last week. This is the way to get rid of excess female parts. I can't believe how fast I have been able to recover.
My Cowboys are pulling themselves together so nicely and it is possible to believe that we could be heading to the play offs. I'm excited beyond words. I could carry on for hours about being excited about Tony Romo but that probably isn't necessary.
Not that I'm trying to bash Drew Bledsoe but check out the Drew Bledsoe blog link. That is the funniest blog I have read ever and the comments even make it better. I can't remember laughing so much in a long time.
Ok life carries on now.
I had a laproscopic hysterectomy last week. This is the way to get rid of excess female parts. I can't believe how fast I have been able to recover.
My Cowboys are pulling themselves together so nicely and it is possible to believe that we could be heading to the play offs. I'm excited beyond words. I could carry on for hours about being excited about Tony Romo but that probably isn't necessary.
Not that I'm trying to bash Drew Bledsoe but check out the Drew Bledsoe blog link. That is the funniest blog I have read ever and the comments even make it better. I can't remember laughing so much in a long time.
Ok life carries on now.
Saturday, October 21, 2006
This is my kind of humor - Steven Wright quotes
This man is a genius. Simply a genius.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
This does not belong in any sport
...when Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth stomped on Dallas center Andre Gurode's face and was ejected. Gurode needed stitches above his left eye and didn't return because of blurry vision.
It was uncalled for and after going to both Cowboys' and Titans' fan forums, I'm glad to see that no one liked what happened. Apparently this guy is a known problem and for that I'm sorry for the Titans. I know what it is like to have well performing players who lack character. BTDT. The Titan fans have been very classy on the forums, unlike many years ago when another team's fans pelted players with snowballs packed with hard objects like batteries. Instead this is a problem isolated to a single guy who the new commissioner needs to take a very hard line.
Now he did do an apology in the post game wrap up.
DT ALBERT HAYNESWORTH
(on his hit on Andre Gurode)
First thing I’d like to say is, nobody told me what to say. Nobody coached me on my statement or anything like that. It’s all coming from me. What I’d like to say is I’m very sorry. I apologize to Andre. What I did was disgusting. It’s something that should never happen. I mean I’m not a dirty player. I don’t play dirty. I have respect for the game. What I feel like is I disgraced the game, disgraced my team and disgraced my last name. I just don’t know what else to say to apologize. When I was sitting in here in the locker room when the game was going on, I was looking at my phone, which has my kids on it. I don’t want them to have my last name and to think their Dad was a dirty player because I don’t play that way. I play with a lot of heart. What I did out there was disgusting. It doesn’t matter what the league does to me. The way I feel right now, you just can’t describe it.
Nice words but too bad he didn't think before he acted. The only good thing I can say is that he isn't whining that it is someone else's fault. The next mature step is to go to his coach and the NFL and offer his own punishment thoughts.
About TO and his latest week in the headlines... At first I was oh the poor drama queen. However after reading all that I have, I think the accidental OD is probably the truth. The police thought it looked like suicide, who knows what he was saying and what they were hearing and of course the press rushed it to the wires without much knowledge. But at the end of the day, he gave a solid performance just 2 weeks after hand surgery and he got physical out there, catching and throwing solid blocks. It is early dealing with him, but he isn't the first difficult player who has come to Dallas knowing this could be the last time someone was willing to take a chance. Some players have mended their ways and gave the fans what they wanted. Others couldn't be taught a lesson. Time will say which will be TO's time here.
And I'm hearing that Vanderjerk is not getting along with people in the lockerroom. Big surprise, right?
It was uncalled for and after going to both Cowboys' and Titans' fan forums, I'm glad to see that no one liked what happened. Apparently this guy is a known problem and for that I'm sorry for the Titans. I know what it is like to have well performing players who lack character. BTDT. The Titan fans have been very classy on the forums, unlike many years ago when another team's fans pelted players with snowballs packed with hard objects like batteries. Instead this is a problem isolated to a single guy who the new commissioner needs to take a very hard line.
Now he did do an apology in the post game wrap up.
DT ALBERT HAYNESWORTH
(on his hit on Andre Gurode)
First thing I’d like to say is, nobody told me what to say. Nobody coached me on my statement or anything like that. It’s all coming from me. What I’d like to say is I’m very sorry. I apologize to Andre. What I did was disgusting. It’s something that should never happen. I mean I’m not a dirty player. I don’t play dirty. I have respect for the game. What I feel like is I disgraced the game, disgraced my team and disgraced my last name. I just don’t know what else to say to apologize. When I was sitting in here in the locker room when the game was going on, I was looking at my phone, which has my kids on it. I don’t want them to have my last name and to think their Dad was a dirty player because I don’t play that way. I play with a lot of heart. What I did out there was disgusting. It doesn’t matter what the league does to me. The way I feel right now, you just can’t describe it.
Nice words but too bad he didn't think before he acted. The only good thing I can say is that he isn't whining that it is someone else's fault. The next mature step is to go to his coach and the NFL and offer his own punishment thoughts.
About TO and his latest week in the headlines... At first I was oh the poor drama queen. However after reading all that I have, I think the accidental OD is probably the truth. The police thought it looked like suicide, who knows what he was saying and what they were hearing and of course the press rushed it to the wires without much knowledge. But at the end of the day, he gave a solid performance just 2 weeks after hand surgery and he got physical out there, catching and throwing solid blocks. It is early dealing with him, but he isn't the first difficult player who has come to Dallas knowing this could be the last time someone was willing to take a chance. Some players have mended their ways and gave the fans what they wanted. Others couldn't be taught a lesson. Time will say which will be TO's time here.
And I'm hearing that Vanderjerk is not getting along with people in the lockerroom. Big surprise, right?
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Warning - Not for the timid of heart
Two things that are on my mind at the moment
I'm seriously disappointed in the Cowboy's performance today. Bledsoe didn't have his stuff together. His interceptions were on him for bad throws. The whole stretching on the sideline is a sign that he isn't going to make it long.
Secondly, I have a pimple in my pussy. It hurts to walk. I get these often and I hate them. Usually, despite the pain, I can pop it and it goes away. This one won't pop and it just keeps on hurting.
Ok, carry on. Nothing exciting in my world.
I'm seriously disappointed in the Cowboy's performance today. Bledsoe didn't have his stuff together. His interceptions were on him for bad throws. The whole stretching on the sideline is a sign that he isn't going to make it long.
Secondly, I have a pimple in my pussy. It hurts to walk. I get these often and I hate them. Usually, despite the pain, I can pop it and it goes away. This one won't pop and it just keeps on hurting.
Ok, carry on. Nothing exciting in my world.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Realizations
I have realized I have a phobia, besides my well documented phobia of fire. Now I know I am and have been afraid of crowds. We took the kids to a festival here in town. People come from all over the states to go to it. Well J had to go help look for a missing kid and I was manuvering the crowds with the twins. I got impatient, starting to have an anxiety attack and couldn't get all of us out of there fast enough. The same thing on a smaller scale happened the night before when just J&I were there.
Looking back, I have been that way at fairs, crowded malls, etc. As J pointed out, I'm that way in traffic congestation. I guess this is the reason I was anxious for us to move away from Dallas.
But the bigger realization is that I'm still having issues with trusting J. He made a mistake a few months ago. Not the worst kind of mistake, just one that hurt. I guess I'm still not trusting him and I'm still acting out. This all came out tonight. I haven't been good lately of throwing away my soda cans in the living room and I had a small collection on the end table. I went to throw them away and they were makred with a M on the top of the can. J had been cleaning in the living room and I thought maybe he had marked them as Monday, like he was keeping up with how long it would take me to throw them away. It really pissed me off and I called him at work about what his point was. He said he didn't do it and I believe him (probably was K, not sure if M was for Mom or what she is up to). But he is hurt now that I would think that of him. And he is right, that would be really shitty for me to suspect him of. He doesn't make comments about my housekeeping/lack of housekeeping skills.
Part of the issue is my stress level is skyrocketing. I'm upset about work, worried about finances and just not a happy person. I'm taking it out on the wrong people and I have to do better with them. They don't deserve the way I am right now.
Looking back, I have been that way at fairs, crowded malls, etc. As J pointed out, I'm that way in traffic congestation. I guess this is the reason I was anxious for us to move away from Dallas.
But the bigger realization is that I'm still having issues with trusting J. He made a mistake a few months ago. Not the worst kind of mistake, just one that hurt. I guess I'm still not trusting him and I'm still acting out. This all came out tonight. I haven't been good lately of throwing away my soda cans in the living room and I had a small collection on the end table. I went to throw them away and they were makred with a M on the top of the can. J had been cleaning in the living room and I thought maybe he had marked them as Monday, like he was keeping up with how long it would take me to throw them away. It really pissed me off and I called him at work about what his point was. He said he didn't do it and I believe him (probably was K, not sure if M was for Mom or what she is up to). But he is hurt now that I would think that of him. And he is right, that would be really shitty for me to suspect him of. He doesn't make comments about my housekeeping/lack of housekeeping skills.
Part of the issue is my stress level is skyrocketing. I'm upset about work, worried about finances and just not a happy person. I'm taking it out on the wrong people and I have to do better with them. They don't deserve the way I am right now.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Yup, turning 40 sucks
Sucky day. No one to eat lunch with today. A couple of phone calls wishing me Happy Birthday and that is it. No presents. As usual, J gave me excuses how he is looking for the perfect gift. Yeah, I did the shitty thing and reminded him that I'm still waiting for my Mother's Day present that he was looking for.
Came home and not even artwork from the kids. I get to cook supper tonight. All I want is one day a year where I'm special. Everyone knew how much I hated this birthday. Instead I get to spend the weekend painting my mother's bathroom. I didn't even get taken out to dinner.
I should know better than to expect anything. It is my job to make them feel special.
Came home and not even artwork from the kids. I get to cook supper tonight. All I want is one day a year where I'm special. Everyone knew how much I hated this birthday. Instead I get to spend the weekend painting my mother's bathroom. I didn't even get taken out to dinner.
I should know better than to expect anything. It is my job to make them feel special.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Let's admit it
I'm depressed. Massively depressed.
I can't stand turning 40. I know I need to see it as a number that I'm no different than I was a year ago. I can't get past it. My body is falling apart. My hair is so grey.
Right now my job sucks. I know as a supervisor I'm not suppose to care about popularity, yadada. But it hurts like hell to realize no one really likes me except my boss. I'm only human. I keep taking it on the chin about their feelings but I want to scream, dammit, I have feelings too.
I know my depression comes from being worn out. I didn't go to work today just because I'm sick to my stomach which is because I'm tired. Just deep down tired.
I can't stand turning 40. I know I need to see it as a number that I'm no different than I was a year ago. I can't get past it. My body is falling apart. My hair is so grey.
Right now my job sucks. I know as a supervisor I'm not suppose to care about popularity, yadada. But it hurts like hell to realize no one really likes me except my boss. I'm only human. I keep taking it on the chin about their feelings but I want to scream, dammit, I have feelings too.
I know my depression comes from being worn out. I didn't go to work today just because I'm sick to my stomach which is because I'm tired. Just deep down tired.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
Bad night last night
Last night (Friday) J got called out for ambulance duty on one of the nastiest ones ever. Car on an old country road with mom, 5 yr old girl, 9 yr old boy and 14 yr old girl was hit by a drunk driver. The mother was killed instantly and it will be a true miracle if all of the kids survive. Two of them were taken by helicopter to large city hospitals because of the extent of their injuries and it isn't like we have the most rinky-dink hospital here. The details of their injuries are too gruesome to go into but it shook J bad. Luckily his volunteer ambulance did immediate crisis management and did a counseling session with everyone before they left the station house.
The father was called to the scene. I can't begin to imagine his anguish. His children are at 3 separate hospitals with grim possibilities ahead, his wife is dead. In just a moment, his world was shattered.
And as it often happens, the drunk driver was barely hurt. It was his 3rd DUI incident. There isn't a hell deep or hot enough for him. I have tried to pity him as someone who has a problem but still, there is this family who will never be the same again. I just can't pity him.
The father was called to the scene. I can't begin to imagine his anguish. His children are at 3 separate hospitals with grim possibilities ahead, his wife is dead. In just a moment, his world was shattered.
And as it often happens, the drunk driver was barely hurt. It was his 3rd DUI incident. There isn't a hell deep or hot enough for him. I have tried to pity him as someone who has a problem but still, there is this family who will never be the same again. I just can't pity him.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
Eating anger - more work bs
No I haven't forgotten to blog. I'm actually been working on eating some anger. I won't win any ground by expressing to anyone how I really feel about some things at work. So I'm taking the high road and just concentrating on getting my work done. Somewhere along the line I have pissed someone off. She is leaving but she is working on making me look and feel bad. If I defend myself against this sneak attack, I'm making excuses. I'm kinda seeing that my boss is getting the hint so my best course is to just let the person bury herself. She will be gone in Jan no matter what.
Part of what really burns me is that I have defended her so many times when people have badmouthed her. She didn't use to be this way towards me. I'm finding out that she has resented when I handled the acquisition. She didn't want to travel so it went to me because I was willing to. I'm guessing she felt passed over and then she was definitely passed over for another position (which had nothing to do with me). She is leaving to improve her education so that she is able to move forward with her career.
One of her things was that she didn't think I should get her office when she leaves. My boss was like, so who should since I have the most seniority? But apparently this person thinks that my getting the bigger office will cause hard feelings. Why? Right now, I'm the third in command in the office, I will be second after she leaves. My current office will go to the next higher person who will be thrilled with it.
Most of this shit is petty but it is the volume coming from someone I had thought of as a friend that gets to me.
Part of what really burns me is that I have defended her so many times when people have badmouthed her. She didn't use to be this way towards me. I'm finding out that she has resented when I handled the acquisition. She didn't want to travel so it went to me because I was willing to. I'm guessing she felt passed over and then she was definitely passed over for another position (which had nothing to do with me). She is leaving to improve her education so that she is able to move forward with her career.
One of her things was that she didn't think I should get her office when she leaves. My boss was like, so who should since I have the most seniority? But apparently this person thinks that my getting the bigger office will cause hard feelings. Why? Right now, I'm the third in command in the office, I will be second after she leaves. My current office will go to the next higher person who will be thrilled with it.
Most of this shit is petty but it is the volume coming from someone I had thought of as a friend that gets to me.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Supervisor Spewing
Ignore if you are tired of me whining about work. I figure everyone is tired of it so I'm keeping it off the board.
So I'm hunting for a replacement for David (names are changed to protect the innocent from Google hunts). Ok, that's fine. He did give me a good exit interview. But it has come to a head that my cash manager is not happy. I have talked to her about her obvious unhappiness. But now several people have gone to the controller about how unhappy Becky is. She isn't doing her full job, someone is helping to carry her weight. When David used to do it, he did the job and carried someone else. Now she needs someone to bail her out and the job hasn't changed. She can't handle it and she is coming up on the end of her probation. So I have extended her probation to buy me more time to get at least one of the positions filled. But during our conversation, she won't tell me why she is so unhappy at work. Honestly I think she is just one of those people who is unhappy so often. She says others are unfriendly but she won't go talk to people and when people are near her talking, she won't participate or even make eye contact. She has gotten belligerient when asked to go to training or company/department meetings. She said she hasn't been well trained, but both David & I have worked with training her. Her examples basically came down to her not being willing to ask any questions so somehow that is our fault. Mostly everything is someone else's fault and not hers. I really can't see that she is salvagable which is sad because I hate going through this again.
I did get a raise today. My review wasn't a ringing success but I have really struggled as a supervisor a lot and I know it. With the changes coming up, I don't think I will be made Assistant Controller. I don't think I have the CFO's endorsement since he wouldn't approve my raise until he did the exit interview with David. I can't say I blame him. He keeps hearing that I'm abusive to people. All I can do is be so sugary nice and wait for my bad reputation to go away. I'm sure Becky will help. Not.
So I'm hunting for a replacement for David (names are changed to protect the innocent from Google hunts). Ok, that's fine. He did give me a good exit interview. But it has come to a head that my cash manager is not happy. I have talked to her about her obvious unhappiness. But now several people have gone to the controller about how unhappy Becky is. She isn't doing her full job, someone is helping to carry her weight. When David used to do it, he did the job and carried someone else. Now she needs someone to bail her out and the job hasn't changed. She can't handle it and she is coming up on the end of her probation. So I have extended her probation to buy me more time to get at least one of the positions filled. But during our conversation, she won't tell me why she is so unhappy at work. Honestly I think she is just one of those people who is unhappy so often. She says others are unfriendly but she won't go talk to people and when people are near her talking, she won't participate or even make eye contact. She has gotten belligerient when asked to go to training or company/department meetings. She said she hasn't been well trained, but both David & I have worked with training her. Her examples basically came down to her not being willing to ask any questions so somehow that is our fault. Mostly everything is someone else's fault and not hers. I really can't see that she is salvagable which is sad because I hate going through this again.
I did get a raise today. My review wasn't a ringing success but I have really struggled as a supervisor a lot and I know it. With the changes coming up, I don't think I will be made Assistant Controller. I don't think I have the CFO's endorsement since he wouldn't approve my raise until he did the exit interview with David. I can't say I blame him. He keeps hearing that I'm abusive to people. All I can do is be so sugary nice and wait for my bad reputation to go away. I'm sure Becky will help. Not.
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Random randomness
I have so many things I wish I could tackle. The things I think I can do on my own require money. The things that we have the parts for, I don't have the skillset to do. Example, the bathroom sink drips (almost pours). Now if it had water shutoff for the sink supply, I could turn off the water and see what I could do to put in the new gaskets. If I screwed it up, the water could stay off until J could look at it. But I would have to turn off water to the whole house and that is too big a gamble on my skills. We have ceiling fans and I would try to do it but again, I have never ever ever dealt with electricity and the fans are used, so there aren't instructions included.
I have decided on the pond that I will put in a liner over the preform so that I don't have to deal with why we keep having leaks. Actually I'm thinking about pulling out the preforms and going with a softer, more natural look. But I have to buy the liner, harvest more stones and I think I want to change up the filter housing to get a more natural looking waterfalls. All of that takes money.
You know how you have those movies that you watch every single time it comes on. I'm victim of one of those today. You've Got Mail is it today. I just love that movie. It is such a sweet movie.
I need to go clean my dining room. How much can I do in commercial breaks?
I need to find a project to sink my heart into.
Can you believe school will start back up in about 3 weeks? I need to go get school supplies and a few outfits. I don't believe in buying whole wardrobes for school starting. A couple of new things for each of them. New shoes is the big thing and goodness it will be expensive to put shoes on T.
He is becoming an adult right before my eyes. Oh believe me he stilll has child moments but still there are more and more adult moments. I can't believe he is about to be a teenager. Where has time gone?
And I'm very upset about turning 40. I know it shouldn't be a big deal. It is just a number and I'm as old as I feel and all that dribble. I was an adult and on my own when my mother turned 40. How can I be that old? I have friends I went to school with who are now grandparents. I'm barely old enough to have a teenager. I work with numbers all the time and they really don't mean much. But this number is really haunting me.
I like it when you see people break out of their shells and succeed. Robin Williams going into drama is a great example.
I'm afraid somehow I have upset a friend. Nothing specific comes to mind but I feel like she is avoiding me suddenly and I don't know how to bridge the gap without making her feel awkward. I'm so bad at handling things with people. Numbers are safer except for that damn number 40.
I have decided on the pond that I will put in a liner over the preform so that I don't have to deal with why we keep having leaks. Actually I'm thinking about pulling out the preforms and going with a softer, more natural look. But I have to buy the liner, harvest more stones and I think I want to change up the filter housing to get a more natural looking waterfalls. All of that takes money.
You know how you have those movies that you watch every single time it comes on. I'm victim of one of those today. You've Got Mail is it today. I just love that movie. It is such a sweet movie.
I need to go clean my dining room. How much can I do in commercial breaks?
I need to find a project to sink my heart into.
Can you believe school will start back up in about 3 weeks? I need to go get school supplies and a few outfits. I don't believe in buying whole wardrobes for school starting. A couple of new things for each of them. New shoes is the big thing and goodness it will be expensive to put shoes on T.
He is becoming an adult right before my eyes. Oh believe me he stilll has child moments but still there are more and more adult moments. I can't believe he is about to be a teenager. Where has time gone?
And I'm very upset about turning 40. I know it shouldn't be a big deal. It is just a number and I'm as old as I feel and all that dribble. I was an adult and on my own when my mother turned 40. How can I be that old? I have friends I went to school with who are now grandparents. I'm barely old enough to have a teenager. I work with numbers all the time and they really don't mean much. But this number is really haunting me.
I like it when you see people break out of their shells and succeed. Robin Williams going into drama is a great example.
I'm afraid somehow I have upset a friend. Nothing specific comes to mind but I feel like she is avoiding me suddenly and I don't know how to bridge the gap without making her feel awkward. I'm so bad at handling things with people. Numbers are safer except for that damn number 40.
Thursday, July 20, 2006
Just to be on the record
LaGuardia Airport sucks old wrinkled donkey dicks. Just in case you didn't know that, I thought I would share that with you.
Maine is such a cool place to visit. This is THE place to go eat for a good meal and an incredible view.
I really like going here. You can sit out at the picnic tables overlooking the waves crashing against the rocks below. On a foggy day the call from the lighthouse is just amazing!
http://www.lobstershack-twolights.com/index.htm
I'm still so tired from the trip. I feel like I just can't get enough sleep.
Maine is such a cool place to visit. This is THE place to go eat for a good meal and an incredible view.
I really like going here. You can sit out at the picnic tables overlooking the waves crashing against the rocks below. On a foggy day the call from the lighthouse is just amazing!
http://www.lobstershack-twolights.com/index.htm
I'm still so tired from the trip. I feel like I just can't get enough sleep.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Hauntings??
Each evening T & I go to bed about the same time, around 11 or 11:30. This house is very quiet at night. You can hear the trains go through a few blocks away. Otherwise, there is no real noises in the house. Even the AC is very quiet.
So last night we went to bed. I heard a noise, sort of an animal cry noise. T was in my room wondering if I had heard it. Then a few minutes later we heard 3 knocking noises. Tap tap tap. Now this isn't the first time I have heard the three knocks. I have heard it earlier in the evenings. I thought before it was the dreaded neighbor child playing a prank by knocking and running off (the only term I know for this practice is a nasty degoratory term that I won't use). Every time I have heard it, no one has been at the door. So T & I go around the house and look and find nothing. We both go to bed. A few minutes later, a different noise. Again T is in my room so I offered to let him get into my bed.
Several times I thought I heard K coming into the room. I must have been imagining but once I was so sure that I set up and called her name.
This isn't the first weird things at night. There was one morning I was sure I had heard J come home early. I thought I had heard the back door opening & closing and then someone walking through the house.
I'm not ready to say the house is haunted. The first nights here I thought it might be. I can say I won't be surprised (well suprised in a different sense) if eventually I do see a ghost. I have felt regularly that we share this house with something. However, I think that whatever it is friendly and happy with us.
Meantime I will work on convincing T that the noises are from the house contracting at night while cooling off. That is J's explanation but he isn't hearing what we are hearing. I don't contraction noises are related to three knocks.
So last night we went to bed. I heard a noise, sort of an animal cry noise. T was in my room wondering if I had heard it. Then a few minutes later we heard 3 knocking noises. Tap tap tap. Now this isn't the first time I have heard the three knocks. I have heard it earlier in the evenings. I thought before it was the dreaded neighbor child playing a prank by knocking and running off (the only term I know for this practice is a nasty degoratory term that I won't use). Every time I have heard it, no one has been at the door. So T & I go around the house and look and find nothing. We both go to bed. A few minutes later, a different noise. Again T is in my room so I offered to let him get into my bed.
Several times I thought I heard K coming into the room. I must have been imagining but once I was so sure that I set up and called her name.
This isn't the first weird things at night. There was one morning I was sure I had heard J come home early. I thought I had heard the back door opening & closing and then someone walking through the house.
I'm not ready to say the house is haunted. The first nights here I thought it might be. I can say I won't be surprised (well suprised in a different sense) if eventually I do see a ghost. I have felt regularly that we share this house with something. However, I think that whatever it is friendly and happy with us.
Meantime I will work on convincing T that the noises are from the house contracting at night while cooling off. That is J's explanation but he isn't hearing what we are hearing. I don't contraction noises are related to three knocks.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
Quality of life
Three weeks ago we lost my great aunt Juanita. Even at that time we were feeling that it wouldn't be long before her older sister Coy would be next. Well on the 4th of July Coy fell and broke her hip. I believe she has Alzheimers and now we suspect Parkinsons and then they say there is something up with her lungs.
Today I went to the hospital to see her. My aunt Barbara was there looking after Aunt Coy and said that Coy was begging to be released. It reinforced to me that I want to have quality of life not quantity. Coy's youngest sister Kathy has been burdened with caring with Juanita and Coy while my grandmother continues her self centered hermit existance.
I then got frustrated because my mother was making fun of my aunt Barbara's emails because they are full of misspellings and bad grammar. But while my aunt Barbara isn't my favorite person, I know that she hasn't had a life where spelling and grammar mattered, she worked in factories most of her life. They are skills that if you don't use, you lose. And it really bothers me that my mother uses this to feel superior considering my mother can't follow the simplest of current events and misprounces things constantly. But yet here was my aunt Barbara, sleeping at the hospital so that Kathy could get some rest and was at the hospital today so that Kathy and others could go to Juanita's memorial service.
Today I went to the hospital to see her. My aunt Barbara was there looking after Aunt Coy and said that Coy was begging to be released. It reinforced to me that I want to have quality of life not quantity. Coy's youngest sister Kathy has been burdened with caring with Juanita and Coy while my grandmother continues her self centered hermit existance.
I then got frustrated because my mother was making fun of my aunt Barbara's emails because they are full of misspellings and bad grammar. But while my aunt Barbara isn't my favorite person, I know that she hasn't had a life where spelling and grammar mattered, she worked in factories most of her life. They are skills that if you don't use, you lose. And it really bothers me that my mother uses this to feel superior considering my mother can't follow the simplest of current events and misprounces things constantly. But yet here was my aunt Barbara, sleeping at the hospital so that Kathy could get some rest and was at the hospital today so that Kathy and others could go to Juanita's memorial service.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Since I have been in a tear
I still cannot reconcile that Anthony Michael Hall in Dead Zone is the nerd from my teenage years.
I have always liked Mark Harmon but he has gotten way sexier with age. It is sort of like Sean Connery or Clint Eastwood. They were ok in their early careers but so damn sexy as older men. Unfortunately Harrison Ford is not doing as well.
Pysch looks like a fun show.
Matthew Broderick is still a kid. Except for the movie Glory, he can't shake that WarGames stereotype.
I'll add more as I think of them. This is what happens to a brain after a week of doing financials. It shuts down and goes into trivia mode.
Oh and it sucks when your daughter tells you on a Friday night that she thinks she saw worms in her poop.
I have always liked Mark Harmon but he has gotten way sexier with age. It is sort of like Sean Connery or Clint Eastwood. They were ok in their early careers but so damn sexy as older men. Unfortunately Harrison Ford is not doing as well.
Pysch looks like a fun show.
Matthew Broderick is still a kid. Except for the movie Glory, he can't shake that WarGames stereotype.
I'll add more as I think of them. This is what happens to a brain after a week of doing financials. It shuts down and goes into trivia mode.
Oh and it sucks when your daughter tells you on a Friday night that she thinks she saw worms in her poop.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Good Neighbors
Well so much for the boys next door. Colin today held a knife to C's throat and then told K later he would slice her for telling T&C it was time to come home. Yeah well that didn't go over well when I heard about it. So I marched across the street and talked to the mom and grandmother. Both were suitably unhappy and Colin tried to excuse himself by saying he wouldn't have hurt the kids. Yeah, I was impressed. NOT. I really don't like this boy even before this. He's a sullen bully. And yes this is the boys that T came home smelling like pot.
Ok back to more fun topics. So we were talking at work about how everyone likes the show House and how sexy Hugh Laurie. I was telling them how my friend Miss M didn't realize he had also been the father on Stuart Little. You would have thought I tried to shoot test missiles at the US. No one believed me until I showed them this link.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0491402/
No one, not a single person in my office had made the connection.
I guess I have watched too much BBC over the years. I like shows Blackadder and Jeeves & Wooster. From there I have noticed him in lots of his shows & movies where he showed up, despite the rumor I had once heard that he had died (soon after we started watching Jeeves & Wooster). But I was used to him in the slapstick type roles and despite his showing up in MI-5 it was a shock to see him in such a serious role, although you certainly see his humor showing up.
I must say, when I read he had audition for Rimmer in Red Dwarf, I just died. That would have been hilarious. The only thing that would have been better is if Lenny Henry had also been cast in there with Hugh Laurie.
Ok back to more fun topics. So we were talking at work about how everyone likes the show House and how sexy Hugh Laurie. I was telling them how my friend Miss M didn't realize he had also been the father on Stuart Little. You would have thought I tried to shoot test missiles at the US. No one believed me until I showed them this link.
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0491402/
No one, not a single person in my office had made the connection.
I guess I have watched too much BBC over the years. I like shows Blackadder and Jeeves & Wooster. From there I have noticed him in lots of his shows & movies where he showed up, despite the rumor I had once heard that he had died (soon after we started watching Jeeves & Wooster). But I was used to him in the slapstick type roles and despite his showing up in MI-5 it was a shock to see him in such a serious role, although you certainly see his humor showing up.
I must say, when I read he had audition for Rimmer in Red Dwarf, I just died. That would have been hilarious. The only thing that would have been better is if Lenny Henry had also been cast in there with Hugh Laurie.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
I wish I could play Cupid
See M, I have this cousin, who is single, never been married and loves to fix up houses. He is the sweetest guy in the world. I would love to fix you up with him because he is just so cool. But I would have to first determine if he is gay. As much as I do know about him, I have always had a feeling he could be but has never come out (or maybe even accepted it if he is) of the closet. And I'm just not one to pry. But if I knew one way or the other, I could play matchmaker for him no matter which direction he likes.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Ouchie
Got our first full month electric bill - $350. This is when we really notice the extra square footage. Ouch ouch ouch
I forgot how much I loved Dharma & Greg. That show cracks me up so much and I do get to look at Thomas Gibson.
I forgot how much I loved Dharma & Greg. That show cracks me up so much and I do get to look at Thomas Gibson.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
I promised chaos
So once again a blog post about everything!
Last night we started our 4th of July run. First on the list was the Redneck Run (night at the races). The locals live to race old beat up cars around in circles on a dirt track. One BIL has his stepson racing and another BIL sponsors a car. Both of them already have money issues, it seems incredible to me that this is a way to spend money. Obviously I'm not a Nascar fan. But I digress, they did fireworks and we took the twins (remember T works at the races) and watched the fireworks. Well T had fireworks left over from last year and the races owners let the kids fire off fireworks after the races. Well of course K&C wanted to participate. So we stayed. It was 2 am when we got home and then we all had to bathe because we were covered in dust.
Well I began waking up around 10 am but the rest of the family slept. Finally I just left the house at 11 am and went to the meat market, with slight detours through the collection of antique stores in the downtown of this 2,000 person town. In one of the shops I got talking with the lady running it about the candles and the soaps came up. She wants to sell my soaps. I didn't get a warm fuzzy feeling from her but it did give me a slight bug to start up the business again. Like I don't have enough in my life with the kids, the house, the job, the non-existent husband.
I spent the day draining the pond because most days the pond is down too low. We think we have a leak in the pond. The filter housing is certainly a big part of our problem, every couple of days the plug blows out or it is spewing water around the pond instead of into the pond. So in addition to draining the water out on purpose for once, I also scooped sludge out. I didn't get all of it because I need it to restart the biological ecostructure in the pond but I got so much out of it. It went into the compost heap and I hope that I got good stuff that way since I'm a little short of the manure I need in my compost heap.
Tonight I'm all over John Cusak, weird quirks aside. If I find a movie with Hugh Laurie, John Cusak and Thomas Gibson in it, I will need blood pressure medicine to watch it.
Last night we started our 4th of July run. First on the list was the Redneck Run (night at the races). The locals live to race old beat up cars around in circles on a dirt track. One BIL has his stepson racing and another BIL sponsors a car. Both of them already have money issues, it seems incredible to me that this is a way to spend money. Obviously I'm not a Nascar fan. But I digress, they did fireworks and we took the twins (remember T works at the races) and watched the fireworks. Well T had fireworks left over from last year and the races owners let the kids fire off fireworks after the races. Well of course K&C wanted to participate. So we stayed. It was 2 am when we got home and then we all had to bathe because we were covered in dust.
Well I began waking up around 10 am but the rest of the family slept. Finally I just left the house at 11 am and went to the meat market, with slight detours through the collection of antique stores in the downtown of this 2,000 person town. In one of the shops I got talking with the lady running it about the candles and the soaps came up. She wants to sell my soaps. I didn't get a warm fuzzy feeling from her but it did give me a slight bug to start up the business again. Like I don't have enough in my life with the kids, the house, the job, the non-existent husband.
I spent the day draining the pond because most days the pond is down too low. We think we have a leak in the pond. The filter housing is certainly a big part of our problem, every couple of days the plug blows out or it is spewing water around the pond instead of into the pond. So in addition to draining the water out on purpose for once, I also scooped sludge out. I didn't get all of it because I need it to restart the biological ecostructure in the pond but I got so much out of it. It went into the compost heap and I hope that I got good stuff that way since I'm a little short of the manure I need in my compost heap.
Tonight I'm all over John Cusak, weird quirks aside. If I find a movie with Hugh Laurie, John Cusak and Thomas Gibson in it, I will need blood pressure medicine to watch it.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Little bit of everything
I got a really cool catalogue today. It is from www.vandykes.com and I found the kitchen cabinet handles I really really want. But until I get the cabinets and new countertops in (which is a ways down the road) I won't know if it will look right. They are the pale green depression glass style. I love green depression glass and suddenly I realize that will be some of the stuff I use in decorating the house. I have always been drawn to it and now I can see it having a place in my new house. I have decided on the new colors in the kitchen will be pale yellow and light mossy green with the white floorboards and doortrim. I'm all excited. Poor kitchen is going from Coca-Cola to depression glass. I hope it can handle the transformation.
This town has the cutest little library. I checked out one of my favorite books, Comte de Monte Cristo. It was interesting to find out that the version I have always read is a censored water down version. This time I'm apparently reading the full blown version. It has been a while since I have read it so it will be interesting to see what differences I notice. Like I don't remember any lesbians in it.
I called my MIL about borrowing her treadmill. She is going to see if my SIL is actually using it and if she isn't I'll get it. I hope so because I really need to figure out a way to exercise some.
I'm a woman obsessed with decorating. If only I had the money to get it all done at one time.
I was looking at houses with someone today and I realized what a real deal I got on this house. She is hoping to pay between $85 to $100 a square foot. The little cute house next door is $65 a square foot. This house was $47 a square foot. And when we had the additional 500 square feet upstairs, it will be an even better deal. I do love a good bargain.
The only sad thing is that I'm betting that none of my BYB friends will ever see it, except in pictures. It is weird to realize that the people who I share so much of my life won't see where I live it. I'm too far off the beaten track for them, no one drifts into this area and a GTG in this house isn't possible because it isn't that big of a house. One or two might make a trip this way but realistically that is it. I know the house isn't what many people would want. I see this from people at work, many of them like the new house approach. I can see the beauty in those houses but it isn't me or my family. I love that my kids will grow up knowing about skeleton keys and old fashion architecture and creaking floor boards. But mostly they will grow up knowing the peace of a house that has been through many episodes of life.
And final thought of the night, when did Hugh Laurie get so sexy?
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Kitchen - a work in progress
So here is the kitchen before we started any work. Notice the lovely vintage Coke border and pantry door. See the bold red paint.
This is the kids stripping paint. Below the red was some lovely bright colonial blue paint. And underneath that was the paneling. The paneling isn't bad but the new cabinets I will be putting in are wood so I think it will be too much wood. So the plan is that the paneling will be painted a light yellow and the currently black trim will be a sage green.
And this is with the borders removed. That felt good. There are a few spots where the paper stuck to the wall but I will get those removed during this week. No more wallpaper in the kitchen very soon.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Pics of the home
One of the things I want to do is to document the changes we make in the house as projects are done. So one step is to show what it looks like right now, with us living in it but before we start changing things.
So I took pics of the house today.
http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8AYsXDlm1as2EM
You will see we still have boxes to unpack and the master bedroom is pretty damn boring. And yes there is a sheet hanging over the curtains, to block out the sunlight so J can sleep during the day. I feel like I have to excuse everything, like the table cloth on the dining room table is the temp one I use on laundry day (today).
So I took pics of the house today.
http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8AYsXDlm1as2EM
You will see we still have boxes to unpack and the master bedroom is pretty damn boring. And yes there is a sheet hanging over the curtains, to block out the sunlight so J can sleep during the day. I feel like I have to excuse everything, like the table cloth on the dining room table is the temp one I use on laundry day (today).
Saturday morning
Ah the second weekend in a row I have woke up to hear rain. I love it. I love rain, more than I can ever say. I know it drives some people batty after awhile but I have never tired of it. Rain has a magical quality to it. The sound of it is refreshing. I can't help but see the replenishment of my world around me. I can almost hear the trees and grass sigh in contentment.
My BIL asked that we watch his daughter last night. She is basically a good kid, very spoiled and slightly opinionated but overall not a bad kid. The only problem is that he has her every other weekend. He has full custody of her, wtih the pyscho ex-wife periodically taking her and the in-laws taking her most of the ex-wife's time. But he wants to have every Friday off to spend the night with his girlfriend. So most of the time she spends his Friday nights with grandparents. I know what is like to crave adult only time. But all of J's siblings have spent a lot of energy getting people to watch their kids so they can continue to go out partying like they were still teens. We are the only ones who full time parent all of the time. I see so many parents who do this. What gets me is when we want to have a set of grandparents to watch the kids so we can get an occasional date, the grandparents are too tired from all of the others or already taken. Our kids get the least amount of grandparent time because we take our roles as parents as a full time responsibility. When J's sister had her second kid, it was really hard on them because her oldest kid went to his dad's every other weekend and she wanted someone to take the girl so they could have their every other weekend free. Now with the third kid, she has come to see that short of divorcing this guy, she has to parent at least 2 kids all the time. What a concept.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't resent that I parent all the time. This is the way it should be. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I just can't believe all the part time parenting I see. I know a lot of single parents who still full time parent. Their kids go away for the weekend with the other parent, but they are still invested. There are still the kids' events and just the heartstrings that are there. That is full time parenting. I do enjoy the occasional adult time too but in a few years, I will have it all the time. It is there, waiting for me and I will get there anyway.
Ok enough venting. Oh and Mere, here I am updating my blog regularly and you aren't even paying attention. Shame shame on you.
My BIL asked that we watch his daughter last night. She is basically a good kid, very spoiled and slightly opinionated but overall not a bad kid. The only problem is that he has her every other weekend. He has full custody of her, wtih the pyscho ex-wife periodically taking her and the in-laws taking her most of the ex-wife's time. But he wants to have every Friday off to spend the night with his girlfriend. So most of the time she spends his Friday nights with grandparents. I know what is like to crave adult only time. But all of J's siblings have spent a lot of energy getting people to watch their kids so they can continue to go out partying like they were still teens. We are the only ones who full time parent all of the time. I see so many parents who do this. What gets me is when we want to have a set of grandparents to watch the kids so we can get an occasional date, the grandparents are too tired from all of the others or already taken. Our kids get the least amount of grandparent time because we take our roles as parents as a full time responsibility. When J's sister had her second kid, it was really hard on them because her oldest kid went to his dad's every other weekend and she wanted someone to take the girl so they could have their every other weekend free. Now with the third kid, she has come to see that short of divorcing this guy, she has to parent at least 2 kids all the time. What a concept.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't resent that I parent all the time. This is the way it should be. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I just can't believe all the part time parenting I see. I know a lot of single parents who still full time parent. Their kids go away for the weekend with the other parent, but they are still invested. There are still the kids' events and just the heartstrings that are there. That is full time parenting. I do enjoy the occasional adult time too but in a few years, I will have it all the time. It is there, waiting for me and I will get there anyway.
Ok enough venting. Oh and Mere, here I am updating my blog regularly and you aren't even paying attention. Shame shame on you.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Who knows
Last night I let T spend the night with the boys across the street. I have talked to the mom a few different times and nothing sent up red flags.
T came home and J noticed that he smelled like pot. Well T wasn't the one doing it, he has a very rigid attitude about drugs. The only person he saw smoking was a grandfather who came by for awhile. I figure the mom probably did some after she sent the boys down for the night. I'm torn about this issue. I know a lot of people don't think pot is a big deal but I would rather that she hadn't done it on a night when there was a guest in the house. I hate that T was around it enough to come smelling like it. And I hate that this casts doubts about what I can let the kids do with those kids because of this. And J is very very rigid about this stuff.
I have been sick all day and it really bothers me that J never even bothered to ask me how I was doing when he left for school. Gee, makes me feel important.
T came home and J noticed that he smelled like pot. Well T wasn't the one doing it, he has a very rigid attitude about drugs. The only person he saw smoking was a grandfather who came by for awhile. I figure the mom probably did some after she sent the boys down for the night. I'm torn about this issue. I know a lot of people don't think pot is a big deal but I would rather that she hadn't done it on a night when there was a guest in the house. I hate that T was around it enough to come smelling like it. And I hate that this casts doubts about what I can let the kids do with those kids because of this. And J is very very rigid about this stuff.
I have been sick all day and it really bothers me that J never even bothered to ask me how I was doing when he left for school. Gee, makes me feel important.
Bizarre dreams
All my life I have had periodic dreams where I'm in someone else's life. No, I don't think I have experiences like the show Medium. Most of mine are just slices of ordinary lives, just not my own. The dreams are extremely detailed and stay with me longer than regular dreams.
Last night's was not a slice of an ordinary life but brought to me the knowledge that this is just an active imagination because if last night's dream really happened, it would be major headlines, at least for a few days. It is weird to realize that these dreams are just imagination pieces because they have always felt so real to me. This one felt so real. I knew the history about the people without seeing it. I was so heavily invested in what happened in this one that I'm actually sick today and planning on going back to bed to get some real rest. It is funny but I didn't get names in this one but usually I have names for everyone, including my name.
The history behind this dream was that my friends had been on some reality show. I don't know the whole premise behind it but it was a matchmaking one. At the end there had been this really beautiful woman, a drop dead gorgeous man (Nick), a dumpy woman and a dork guy. Well the show had been edited so that the beautiful people looked like they were going to hook up. But in truth Nick had fallen in love with the dumpy woman. So the show had their big shocker when he announced he was asking dumpy woman to marry him. Beautiful woman marries dork in a double ceremony but their marriage isn't as good and it was obvious.
The dream takes place a year later. I'm a friend and I'm going over to Nick's and his wife's house to help get ready for an anniversary party. She was nervous because they are getting a little media attention because she has just had a baby and I had said I would help her with all the details. I get there and chaos is all around. Beautiful woman had come over to help and actually went and drowned the baby, put him back in his bed still dripping wet and then tried to drown the mom. I arrive before the police, paramedics and all. I'm trying to help the mom out of the tub who is in shock and hyperthermia, I can see that the baby is dead and Nick is trying to kill beautiful woman who thinks this is her ticket to getting Nick like she should have all along.
I helped with everything until everyone is gone but Nick who is in such a state he can't ever get up to go to the hospital to be with his wife. He is blaming himself, that he shouldn't gone along with the show producers to make it look like he liked the pretty woman. I'm trying to console him but the grief is huge for both of us. Even now, typing this, the sight of the baby is making me sick all over again.
Like I said earlier, obviously this did not happen because the media would be nuts on it. But it was such a realistic dream that I can't shake it. I don't feel like I rested and I need to go back to sleep but honestly I'm scared because sometimes these dreams continue.
Just call me nuts.
Last night's was not a slice of an ordinary life but brought to me the knowledge that this is just an active imagination because if last night's dream really happened, it would be major headlines, at least for a few days. It is weird to realize that these dreams are just imagination pieces because they have always felt so real to me. This one felt so real. I knew the history about the people without seeing it. I was so heavily invested in what happened in this one that I'm actually sick today and planning on going back to bed to get some real rest. It is funny but I didn't get names in this one but usually I have names for everyone, including my name.
The history behind this dream was that my friends had been on some reality show. I don't know the whole premise behind it but it was a matchmaking one. At the end there had been this really beautiful woman, a drop dead gorgeous man (Nick), a dumpy woman and a dork guy. Well the show had been edited so that the beautiful people looked like they were going to hook up. But in truth Nick had fallen in love with the dumpy woman. So the show had their big shocker when he announced he was asking dumpy woman to marry him. Beautiful woman marries dork in a double ceremony but their marriage isn't as good and it was obvious.
The dream takes place a year later. I'm a friend and I'm going over to Nick's and his wife's house to help get ready for an anniversary party. She was nervous because they are getting a little media attention because she has just had a baby and I had said I would help her with all the details. I get there and chaos is all around. Beautiful woman had come over to help and actually went and drowned the baby, put him back in his bed still dripping wet and then tried to drown the mom. I arrive before the police, paramedics and all. I'm trying to help the mom out of the tub who is in shock and hyperthermia, I can see that the baby is dead and Nick is trying to kill beautiful woman who thinks this is her ticket to getting Nick like she should have all along.
I helped with everything until everyone is gone but Nick who is in such a state he can't ever get up to go to the hospital to be with his wife. He is blaming himself, that he shouldn't gone along with the show producers to make it look like he liked the pretty woman. I'm trying to console him but the grief is huge for both of us. Even now, typing this, the sight of the baby is making me sick all over again.
Like I said earlier, obviously this did not happen because the media would be nuts on it. But it was such a realistic dream that I can't shake it. I don't feel like I rested and I need to go back to sleep but honestly I'm scared because sometimes these dreams continue.
Just call me nuts.
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Just another day .... or not
I found out yesterday that one of my new employees (B has been with me for about two months) has a teenage daughter with leukemia. Her daughter has had it for a couple of years and was in remission but then has had a relapse. In two months of talking about our kids, she has never mentioned this and I totally respect that she has chosen to keep this to herself. She moved awy from her family because her husband wanted to come to Texas. She is having a hard time learning the work but I admire her for her ability to come to work everyday and try.
Not that anyone cares and I'm sure you haven't noticed, but the Dallas Mavs choked in the championship games. They started off good but blew it bad. Too bad, I always like it when a Texas team wins any championship even if I can't stand the sport.
We were doing some video goodbyes for someone who is leaving the company. After seeing myself on the computer, I realized I must lose weight. I guess I need to find an affordable treadmill to put in my bedroom. With J's schedule, it is the only way I can see getting a way to exercise.
J got the chance to be a hero last night. The twins had a field trip and I didn't find out until last night that they were to wear bathing suits under their clothes for some water play while at the zoo. I thought I could find their bathing suits at home but after we got home, I found I was wrong. I didn't want to drive 30 miles round trip to Wally World so I told them they would have to make do with shorts (plus KB said that her two piece was inappropriate at their church day care). Well J called on his home from school and said he would stop and take care of it. They were so thrilled when they woke up this morning to find new bathing suits. With as much as he is gone these days, he doesn't get many chances to be a hero.
Not that anyone cares and I'm sure you haven't noticed, but the Dallas Mavs choked in the championship games. They started off good but blew it bad. Too bad, I always like it when a Texas team wins any championship even if I can't stand the sport.
We were doing some video goodbyes for someone who is leaving the company. After seeing myself on the computer, I realized I must lose weight. I guess I need to find an affordable treadmill to put in my bedroom. With J's schedule, it is the only way I can see getting a way to exercise.
J got the chance to be a hero last night. The twins had a field trip and I didn't find out until last night that they were to wear bathing suits under their clothes for some water play while at the zoo. I thought I could find their bathing suits at home but after we got home, I found I was wrong. I didn't want to drive 30 miles round trip to Wally World so I told them they would have to make do with shorts (plus KB said that her two piece was inappropriate at their church day care). Well J called on his home from school and said he would stop and take care of it. They were so thrilled when they woke up this morning to find new bathing suits. With as much as he is gone these days, he doesn't get many chances to be a hero.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
Yeah Yeah I know
I'm a bad blogger. No big surprise. This month's excuse is that I had to go to a temporary laptop and lost my links. Like I couldn't figure it out but that was the convenient excuse.
I'm still in love with my new house. It is so comfortable. I'm so content being in the house. So far so good, we are doing a much better job keeping the house kept clean. I think the difference is that I really care so much more.
This is such a cute little town. Tonight after work I took K&C to the library. It comes with the little old librarian who recognized our address and of course knew everyone who has lived in the house. Too funny.
Skip the damn dog is still a problem. He dug his way out of the backyard one night. He got his harness hung on the bottom of the fence and he spent the night fighting the fence. I think the fence won since Skip had a huge chunk of meat missing out of his side. It was too wide and deep to stitch back. He did a good job of keeping it clean and with antibotics and some wound sealant, we were able to nurse back to health. So what does he do once he feels all better? He digs his way out again. I guess we are going to have to try an electric fence, which I can't stand the thought of.
Did I say I love this house?
I'm still in love with my new house. It is so comfortable. I'm so content being in the house. So far so good, we are doing a much better job keeping the house kept clean. I think the difference is that I really care so much more.
This is such a cute little town. Tonight after work I took K&C to the library. It comes with the little old librarian who recognized our address and of course knew everyone who has lived in the house. Too funny.
Skip the damn dog is still a problem. He dug his way out of the backyard one night. He got his harness hung on the bottom of the fence and he spent the night fighting the fence. I think the fence won since Skip had a huge chunk of meat missing out of his side. It was too wide and deep to stitch back. He did a good job of keeping it clean and with antibotics and some wound sealant, we were able to nurse back to health. So what does he do once he feels all better? He digs his way out again. I guess we are going to have to try an electric fence, which I can't stand the thought of.
Did I say I love this house?
Monday, May 01, 2006
What does not kill us
Will certainly put me much closer to death.
I have 3 days to put out 4 sets of financials by myself. Today was spent trying to get a download out of one program and get it configured to be uploaded into another program. I'm tired and I have hours of work to do tonight and I don't feel like doing it.
I hate S*B*C phone company. Last month my phone & DSL was disconnected which was my fault for not noticing our phone service was off (we don't use the landline much at all, it is just there for 911 purposes and because our DSL needs a line). Ok I noticed when my DSL was cut off (same day!) and called on it. They had already given away our phone number and I spent 4 hours on the phone getting it all set up. I set it up to be autodrafted so I wouldn't have to go through it again.
Late last week, our phone was turned off because it wasn't paid. Hmmm, autodraft? J called on it and found out the drafting cycle had been off with the billing cycle. You would think someone would notice and take care of that. No. J was told not to pay it because the draft was set to happen. We got the phone back on and I got an email on Friday that our payment had been drafted. Ok. Today I can't log into my email account because the account has been suspended. I called and raised HELL because this pisses me off royally. Then they tell me that the draft had been returned and I would be notified electronically. Hmmm, no because you have suspended my account, bastards. They said they would redraft, restore my account. I told them if I get home to work and my DSL is off, I will go postal on their asses (ok, I was a little nicer but only slightly). They restored J's email account but mine is still suspended. Bastards can roast in hell.
I have 3 days to put out 4 sets of financials by myself. Today was spent trying to get a download out of one program and get it configured to be uploaded into another program. I'm tired and I have hours of work to do tonight and I don't feel like doing it.
I hate S*B*C phone company. Last month my phone & DSL was disconnected which was my fault for not noticing our phone service was off (we don't use the landline much at all, it is just there for 911 purposes and because our DSL needs a line). Ok I noticed when my DSL was cut off (same day!) and called on it. They had already given away our phone number and I spent 4 hours on the phone getting it all set up. I set it up to be autodrafted so I wouldn't have to go through it again.
Late last week, our phone was turned off because it wasn't paid. Hmmm, autodraft? J called on it and found out the drafting cycle had been off with the billing cycle. You would think someone would notice and take care of that. No. J was told not to pay it because the draft was set to happen. We got the phone back on and I got an email on Friday that our payment had been drafted. Ok. Today I can't log into my email account because the account has been suspended. I called and raised HELL because this pisses me off royally. Then they tell me that the draft had been returned and I would be notified electronically. Hmmm, no because you have suspended my account, bastards. They said they would redraft, restore my account. I told them if I get home to work and my DSL is off, I will go postal on their asses (ok, I was a little nicer but only slightly). They restored J's email account but mine is still suspended. Bastards can roast in hell.
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Another busy day at the new house
Busy day at the new house - we got some things done but still not enough.
Today - installed new lock on back door, still need to drill holes for front & side door deadbolts.
Got kitchen ceiling fan and light installed. Still need under cabinet lights. Partially got the pantry shelves stripped of old contact paper and installed new paper. The old stuff was pretty damn scary.
T moved the lightswitches over into KB's bedroom.
J got his truck emptied so we can start to haul things over. He has so many leaves and things in the back of his truck that it looked like we were hauling compost.
Still need to get the rest of the utilities set up.
We did move a couple of chairs over.
It will be Thursday night before I can work on the move again. I must first get financials out this week. But my heart is set on getting a lot moved next weekend. J will be out of school then and we will start seeing real progress.
Off to get supper cooked and kids bathed.
Oh and the goldfish have survived the weekend of being poked at by the kids. But that pond is pretty yucky.
Today - installed new lock on back door, still need to drill holes for front & side door deadbolts.
Got kitchen ceiling fan and light installed. Still need under cabinet lights. Partially got the pantry shelves stripped of old contact paper and installed new paper. The old stuff was pretty damn scary.
T moved the lightswitches over into KB's bedroom.
J got his truck emptied so we can start to haul things over. He has so many leaves and things in the back of his truck that it looked like we were hauling compost.
Still need to get the rest of the utilities set up.
We did move a couple of chairs over.
It will be Thursday night before I can work on the move again. I must first get financials out this week. But my heart is set on getting a lot moved next weekend. J will be out of school then and we will start seeing real progress.
Off to get supper cooked and kids bathed.
Oh and the goldfish have survived the weekend of being poked at by the kids. But that pond is pretty yucky.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Hi, just getting started
Yesterday we closed on our new home. 21 years of marriage and we finally bought a house. Even after all this time, it was hard on J to believe we can afford it. I'm more like how can we not?
The kitchen is done in Coca-Cola theme. Very exciting...not. I'll be taking down the C/C border and the pantry door and bringing in a lot of yellow and white to tone down the red. I think the red could be cool once the appliances and the curtains tone it down but J doesn't want to see red...something about seeing red at work all the time.
I really need to get up and pack or sit here and work on prep work on my financials. Instead I'm starting a blog. I shouldn't be doing this...
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