Realizations

I have realized I have a phobia, besides my well documented phobia of fire. Now I know I am and have been afraid of crowds. We took the kids to a festival here in town. People come from all over the states to go to it. Well J had to go help look for a missing kid and I was manuvering the crowds with the twins. I got impatient, starting to have an anxiety attack and couldn't get all of us out of there fast enough. The same thing on a smaller scale happened the night before when just J&I were there.

Looking back, I have been that way at fairs, crowded malls, etc. As J pointed out, I'm that way in traffic congestation. I guess this is the reason I was anxious for us to move away from Dallas.

But the bigger realization is that I'm still having issues with trusting J. He made a mistake a few months ago. Not the worst kind of mistake, just one that hurt. I guess I'm still not trusting him and I'm still acting out. This all came out tonight. I haven't been good lately of throwing away my soda cans in the living room and I had a small collection on the end table. I went to throw them away and they were makred with a M on the top of the can. J had been cleaning in the living room and I thought maybe he had marked them as Monday, like he was keeping up with how long it would take me to throw them away. It really pissed me off and I called him at work about what his point was. He said he didn't do it and I believe him (probably was K, not sure if M was for Mom or what she is up to). But he is hurt now that I would think that of him. And he is right, that would be really shitty for me to suspect him of. He doesn't make comments about my housekeeping/lack of housekeeping skills.

Part of the issue is my stress level is skyrocketing. I'm upset about work, worried about finances and just not a happy person. I'm taking it out on the wrong people and I have to do better with them. They don't deserve the way I am right now.