Today I'm wondering where J's mind has gone. He used to be vehement about people smoking around the kids and now he is dating a woman who smokes (but he told the kids not to tell me that she smokes). He used to beyond vehement about kids on 4 wheelers but this weekend he not only let T play on one (without a helmet) but talked about them getting one. He used to be overly protective of the kids. Well I know where his mind is part of the time. I guess Julie gives much better head than I did (not hard, I know that was one thing I wasn't good at).
He used to be a very honorable man but he is not any longer. He lied to me, I guess for quite some time. He is now encouraging the kids to lie to me. I think this is one reason that I'm not as sad about the divorce as I maybe should be, he is not the man I used to know. That man has left the Earth.
He gave me permission to date. That was a riotously funny moment. What he doesn't get is the following.
1. I don't have the energy to date right now. I'm a full time parent to his part time parenting. In addition, I have a house and yard to maintain. Like I get to go home tonight and fix a toilet.
2. I'm enjoying being in charge. I never realized how much control he kept on us in the house. I'm not saying all men would be this way, but right now I don't have to negotiate with another adult about what and when things are done or how they are done.
But I would like to be with other adults more. I would like to have someone around to do things like help with the toilet. But I certainly don't need his permission to date.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Bad day
I had to face one thing in this divorce process I thought I would never see, J not being a fit parent. It used to be that he would have died for his kids. Now he is so self absorbed that he has done things this weekend that could have caused the kids harm. Luckily nothing happened to them but the possibilities scare me.
J's biggest concern this weekend was telling that the kids that in a couple of weeks he is going to start dating, including the NG. The kids already think now that she will be their stepmom. It doesn't hurt like it should that he is going to start dating openly (I'm still convinced they have been together for ages). I still don't want to see the bitch but I'm not hurting. It did hurt to hear them say they love the NG (must find another reference to her...).
J emailed me to tell me he is going to start dating her, like he needed my permission and to say I could start dating. I'm not seriously looking. It is very energy consuming to take care of the kids, the house, the yard, my job. I like being on my own. I have discussed that he was a controlling ass and that it is nice not to "answer" to someone. I do miss having another pair of hands to do some of the work here and to help with the kids. But I don't have to have someone to complete me. Sure someday I would like to have someone in my life with me, but I'm not jumping out of one relationship to get into another like he is.
J's biggest concern this weekend was telling that the kids that in a couple of weeks he is going to start dating, including the NG. The kids already think now that she will be their stepmom. It doesn't hurt like it should that he is going to start dating openly (I'm still convinced they have been together for ages). I still don't want to see the bitch but I'm not hurting. It did hurt to hear them say they love the NG (must find another reference to her...).
J emailed me to tell me he is going to start dating her, like he needed my permission and to say I could start dating. I'm not seriously looking. It is very energy consuming to take care of the kids, the house, the yard, my job. I like being on my own. I have discussed that he was a controlling ass and that it is nice not to "answer" to someone. I do miss having another pair of hands to do some of the work here and to help with the kids. But I don't have to have someone to complete me. Sure someday I would like to have someone in my life with me, but I'm not jumping out of one relationship to get into another like he is.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Just to get it out of my stomach
He is a grandmutherfuckingsumofabitch. Not only is the NG living now at his parents house but at the same time he has hired an attorney. I'm just scared this is a sign he is going to make this harder and uglier. I think (pray) the end results are going to be the same but the getting there is going to be so draining.
I thought he was different than his family. I guess I kept him from being trailer trash all of this time. Now I'm worried how much of this is genetic and that might my kids might suffer in their lives with the same disease.
Assmunch, fuckstick, penile scum is all too nice to describe him.
I thought he was different than his family. I guess I kept him from being trailer trash all of this time. Now I'm worried how much of this is genetic and that might my kids might suffer in their lives with the same disease.
Assmunch, fuckstick, penile scum is all too nice to describe him.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
This is my idea of the perfect man
Perfect body, perfect face, perfect muscles, perfectly worn out jeans and the absolutely most perfect sense of humor. I know my music isn't for everyone but man, he is good looking, in a great basic redneck fashion.
Now I find this guy to be a little too slick pretty looking but he has the craziest songs and videos.
Count all the Trekkie jokes...
Saturday, July 14, 2007
What I have realized
I found out that J's "non-girlfriend" has left her husband. And said husband was supposed looking for J, enough that common co-workers felt they needed to warn J. As long as none of this happens around the children, I really find this comical. All of his claims that they were not emotionally involved keep crashing down. The kids are complaining that every time they are with their dad, she is around. I think they are going to be pissed when they figure out that she is Dad's girlfriend, especially T as he will know that J was hanging around NG (non-girlfriend) before we broke up.
Maybe I'm slow on the uptake but I guess he has been looking for my replacement for some time. He had the incident with the email affair two years ago. I don't think he has conciously been looking for another woman but I think he gave up on us years ago. Sadly now I wonder if he ever really loved me or if I was just the safe available choice. I know that his POV is that if I had been a better wife, he wouldn't have been looking. I would counter that my performance as a wife was also a reflection as his as a husband.
What I am realizing is how alone I am in this world except for my family. I don't have friends in the area to speak of. And at my age I don't know how to make friends.
I'm a little sad but not devastated right now. Of course the first thing we have to do and he bring NG, it may not be as easy.
My attorney keeps promising me that I shouldn't have to pay a settlement on him. That is the one thing that I can't stand the thought of, that he will be paying almost nothing in child support and then the concept I might have to give him money.
Maybe I'm slow on the uptake but I guess he has been looking for my replacement for some time. He had the incident with the email affair two years ago. I don't think he has conciously been looking for another woman but I think he gave up on us years ago. Sadly now I wonder if he ever really loved me or if I was just the safe available choice. I know that his POV is that if I had been a better wife, he wouldn't have been looking. I would counter that my performance as a wife was also a reflection as his as a husband.
What I am realizing is how alone I am in this world except for my family. I don't have friends in the area to speak of. And at my age I don't know how to make friends.
I'm a little sad but not devastated right now. Of course the first thing we have to do and he bring NG, it may not be as easy.
My attorney keeps promising me that I shouldn't have to pay a settlement on him. That is the one thing that I can't stand the thought of, that he will be paying almost nothing in child support and then the concept I might have to give him money.
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