It is scary how calm I feel about all the turmoil. We have decided to divorce. For a few nights there was some of the bitterness and hurt you expect to see in a divorcing couple. Then suddenly one night we agreed to give up the bitterness and anger. Suddenly we were able to lie there and laugh at our futures as single people. We have realized that we are able to be friends even if we can't be married. Neither of us want to make this harder on the kids, even later in their lives. I would hate to think of the kids planning a wedding and worrying about inviting both of us.
We talked and we agreed we are still having sex (joked about booty calls). I know this seems risky emotionally but I just found my sex drive that had been MIA for 13 years and it just seems so unfair to give up orgasms. So I'm using J for sex. Let's face it, we haven't had emotional sex in forever. It has been all about animal release, mostly for him. I don't get off too well with electric toys and can't masturbate myself to an orgasm. So I'm out to get what I can while I can.
But do you know that calm that settles on you when it is the right thing? Religious people believe it is when the Lord gives them peace. There is something to that. But I know that I haven't know something was right because of the sense of calm the decision brought me. That is how I feel now. Very calm and very settled. I'm a little nervous about being alone in the house on the nights the kids are with him. I'm very nervous about being single. But I'm thrilled about getting to do things my way, without negotiations and compromise.
To my friends who worry for me and about me, thank you so much for your love and friendship. I might be becoming single, but I know that I'm not really alone.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Monday, April 09, 2007
Spinning wheels
Well J agreed to counseling but in usually fashion, on his terms. I had found one that we could get in to see but the times didn't work for him. So I told him to call her and set up a time that did work for him. No he hasn't called. He doesn't realize it but he has until the end of the week.
In the meantime, I have come to realize what it is I want in a relationship. I had a dream today about falling in love. Someone who would cherish me and find me to be a partner, an equal. But mostly I want someone who I matter to.
J knows I have cried and that this journey has been physically hard on me. And in some ways, I think he feels I deserve this because I have been supposedly so horrible to him. Maybe counseling could help us get through these issues but I think I have evolved in my thinking of life without him. I don't know that I can have my dream of being loved like I want to be loved. But as things are right now, I won't have it with J.
In the meantime, I have come to realize what it is I want in a relationship. I had a dream today about falling in love. Someone who would cherish me and find me to be a partner, an equal. But mostly I want someone who I matter to.
J knows I have cried and that this journey has been physically hard on me. And in some ways, I think he feels I deserve this because I have been supposedly so horrible to him. Maybe counseling could help us get through these issues but I think I have evolved in my thinking of life without him. I don't know that I can have my dream of being loved like I want to be loved. But as things are right now, I won't have it with J.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
No April Fooling here
Well since I last updated, much has been going on. I decided it was time for action. I set up a new bank account in my name and contacted an attorney.
Apparently I crossed a line. J was very upset when I told him about my checking account. He just doesn't understand that even if we stay together, that I have to know what is going on with the money. Too many times I have gone to pay bills and he has done something I know nothing about. In the last month he didn't deposit one check, the same week withdrew all of his part time check out of the bank, bought $50 of stuff from Amazon, paid $400 of past due balance on his cell phone and bought new scrubs. Amazingly, when I went to pay the gas bill (which he knew I was paying) there was no money and it bounced. They are very unforgiving on a bounced check and I couldn't negotiate anything. I had to borrow it to take care of it. And he is confused why I think I need my own account.
Yesterday we got into a big argument about money and he demanded I do a budget. So I was trying to do a budget of the basics we pay for and he then got into the schedule and started adding all the things we should do. Well we are $100 short on income just doing what we must and that doesn't begin to cover the things we should do. And I need a new car this year so I'm not sure where we begin to find money each month for a car payment and additional insurance.
When he started seeing I was serious about a divorce, he started changing his tune (actually it went, he spent years being miserable and he didn't seek a divorce, so why am I?) and is now willing to go to counseling. I have an appointment set up but honestly I think we have gone past the point of no return.
It is interesting to hear him excuse his behavior. For example, his online affair with a co-worker last year is excused by the fact that I could be doing the same thing and just haven't been caught. I mean, I have two email accounts (three if you count work), I text message a friend and have phone calls. So therefore, his behavior is excused because I have the same opportunity and just haven't been caught. AND he wouldn't have done that if things were good at home, so therefore it is my fault. He is a hypocrite on some issues and can't begin to see it.
I know I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but at least I believe I'm honest about myself. And I think this budget thing showed him that bringing hom $1K a month is not going to be easy for him to live on.
Apparently I crossed a line. J was very upset when I told him about my checking account. He just doesn't understand that even if we stay together, that I have to know what is going on with the money. Too many times I have gone to pay bills and he has done something I know nothing about. In the last month he didn't deposit one check, the same week withdrew all of his part time check out of the bank, bought $50 of stuff from Amazon, paid $400 of past due balance on his cell phone and bought new scrubs. Amazingly, when I went to pay the gas bill (which he knew I was paying) there was no money and it bounced. They are very unforgiving on a bounced check and I couldn't negotiate anything. I had to borrow it to take care of it. And he is confused why I think I need my own account.
Yesterday we got into a big argument about money and he demanded I do a budget. So I was trying to do a budget of the basics we pay for and he then got into the schedule and started adding all the things we should do. Well we are $100 short on income just doing what we must and that doesn't begin to cover the things we should do. And I need a new car this year so I'm not sure where we begin to find money each month for a car payment and additional insurance.
When he started seeing I was serious about a divorce, he started changing his tune (actually it went, he spent years being miserable and he didn't seek a divorce, so why am I?) and is now willing to go to counseling. I have an appointment set up but honestly I think we have gone past the point of no return.
It is interesting to hear him excuse his behavior. For example, his online affair with a co-worker last year is excused by the fact that I could be doing the same thing and just haven't been caught. I mean, I have two email accounts (three if you count work), I text message a friend and have phone calls. So therefore, his behavior is excused because I have the same opportunity and just haven't been caught. AND he wouldn't have done that if things were good at home, so therefore it is my fault. He is a hypocrite on some issues and can't begin to see it.
I know I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but at least I believe I'm honest about myself. And I think this budget thing showed him that bringing hom $1K a month is not going to be easy for him to live on.
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