This morning I found out one of my great aunts passed away during the night. She was my grandmother's youngest sister. We had no reason to see this coming. She had been having some very minor health problems with vomitting but we didn't think of it as life threatening.
She was closer to my dad's age than my grandmother's. All my life she was the aunt I was closest to. Although she was my father's aunt, she and my mother have been very good friends over the years.
Three of the four sisters died this year. The oldest has Alzheimers and is in a nursing home. She never had kids and so the youngest sister had been taking care of her. It looks like we will have to move her to another home so that she is closer to family.
In our family, deaths always come in threes. We usually are spending time at the 2nd funeral, wondering who is the next person. This is three and unfortunately we have two more who are close. One is the great aunt with the Alzheimers who isn't in good health. The other is a cousin who was in an accident a few years ago and has been a quadpeglic. This last year he had a large tumor removed. Now he has cancer of the laranyx and it can't be operated on and he has just a short period of time left.
I have been very blessed to grow up in a large extended family that is close to each other. But these are the times that make you realize it does come with some pain too. I will miss my aunt Kathi. She was a big hearted woman who was sugary sweet without being nausating. In some ways this hurts more than losing my grandmother. Kathi wasn't done living her life. I can picture her in Heaven giving someone hell for taking her before her work was done. My grandmother was done and ready to go. I'll miss her but I understood it was time. This time I can't accept that.
I feel so bad for my cousins who lost their mother and grandmother. I can't begin to imagine how much they hurt right now.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Monday, December 25, 2006
Country music
Ok on to other subjects for a little while (yes, De Nile is a lovely place to hang out).
Country music. J has been watching videos a lot lately and I'm getting hooked again. It doesn't hurt that I got a MP3 from him so I can feed the habit.
First - Toby Keith is damn funny. If you can, catch the "Little Too Late" video, you will see what I mean. It is a sick twisted thought that leaves you laughing at the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeVEbhAFgI8
I also still love the song "Beer for my Horses". And he isn't hard to look at either.
Second - OMG, I haven't panted over a man in ages. Ok maybe Tony Romo for making football exciting (until the Christmas game, which I can't discuss). But I must say Troy Gentry is a fine sample of manhood. He is the better looking half of Montgomery Gentry (the one without the cowboy hat in case you question what I like). I can watch this video all day long. I like the song and the message, but I especially like the face. Whoa baby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkZKOYsz5yA
One gig of memory on my MP3 just isn't enough. J does this to me every time. Last one he bought couldn't do books (didn't have a resume capability). This one is too small. He means well and I'm certainly thrilled to be able to listen to music at work again. I hate radio stations with commercials and people talking. When I'm in the mood for music, I don't want to hear talk. If I want talk, I know the talk radio station for either politics or for sports.
Next adventure is that he wants to go dancing. Haha, I didn't dance when I was young. I can't imagine I'm going to find a beat now.
Country music. J has been watching videos a lot lately and I'm getting hooked again. It doesn't hurt that I got a MP3 from him so I can feed the habit.
First - Toby Keith is damn funny. If you can, catch the "Little Too Late" video, you will see what I mean. It is a sick twisted thought that leaves you laughing at the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeVEbhAFgI8
I also still love the song "Beer for my Horses". And he isn't hard to look at either.
Second - OMG, I haven't panted over a man in ages. Ok maybe Tony Romo for making football exciting (until the Christmas game, which I can't discuss). But I must say Troy Gentry is a fine sample of manhood. He is the better looking half of Montgomery Gentry (the one without the cowboy hat in case you question what I like). I can watch this video all day long. I like the song and the message, but I especially like the face. Whoa baby.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkZKOYsz5yA
One gig of memory on my MP3 just isn't enough. J does this to me every time. Last one he bought couldn't do books (didn't have a resume capability). This one is too small. He means well and I'm certainly thrilled to be able to listen to music at work again. I hate radio stations with commercials and people talking. When I'm in the mood for music, I don't want to hear talk. If I want talk, I know the talk radio station for either politics or for sports.
Next adventure is that he wants to go dancing. Haha, I didn't dance when I was young. I can't imagine I'm going to find a beat now.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
Sad
I have been looking at where I am in my life and I can honestly say I'm not happy with where I am.
I have family that I love but I am the one who initiates most conversations.
I have no friends at work. The only friend that I talk to is not very close by. I have no one around to do things with.
I have tried to make friends but always seem to miss.
I'm lonely. J is never here and when he is, he still isn't here.
Just a really low point right now.
I have family that I love but I am the one who initiates most conversations.
I have no friends at work. The only friend that I talk to is not very close by. I have no one around to do things with.
I have tried to make friends but always seem to miss.
I'm lonely. J is never here and when he is, he still isn't here.
Just a really low point right now.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
Saying goodbye to my grandmother
Just a rambling post while I process some moments of grief.
I used to stay with Mama T in the summer. She lived on the banks of a river and just below a dam. When the river was down, I could play with some neighborhood girls in the river. But today I'm remembering moments when the river had been up pretty high, usually after a good hard rain. Mama T and I would walk along the banks of the river, searching for treasures. Treasures came in all kind of forms, old bottles, interesting shells, all sort of things.
She was a very easy going grandmother. She let us go skinny dipping (which didn't last very long because we got nervous because of the cows watching us). She let us stay up late and I learned about watching Johnny Carson with her. She had a game show addiction and we watched a lot of game shows together. She taught me how to play Solitaire and how to do massages.
She couldn't cook. I never knew anyone could ruin Kraft Mac & cheese like she did. She was not a domestic goddess, which explains my genetic ineptness for housework.
For a girl from a small town, she got to go to Okinawa and Japan. She lived all over the country, Maryland, Arizona, California and of course all over Texas.
Another great memory was her love of pulling over on the side of the road to read historical markers. A 20 minute drive to a grocery store could take over an hour if she knew of some markers for me to read. I need to find time with my kids to teach them about reading markers.
She loved birds and squirrels and had little places for them all over the yard. It didn't matter to her that the squirrels were destructive little rodents, she still loved them. And she had her mother's love of flower beds and you never knew where a flower bed would suddenly spring up or what would become a flower pot.
One of my very favorite memories was when my family was about to move to a new city. As things were being moved, I suddenly realized that I was about to be exposed for hiding the things I couldn't eat behind the deep freeze that had been in the dining room. I began to cry and she came to console me. I confessed to her and she said she would take care of it. She pulled out the deep freeze and together we disposed of the evidence (which wasn't as much as I thought it would be). Years later, when my statute of limitations was over, at a family get together, I told the story. My aunt was furious because when the same woman (my grandmother, her mother) had found out the same thing about my aunt, she made my aunt eat the food and my aunt was upset that I hadn't been punished like she had. My grandmother just smiled and said that was the difference of a mother vs a grandmother.
Over the years, I wasn't as close to her. I went from being her first grandchild and a favorite to some other cousins becoming the center of her world. I have watched those cousins take and take from her and continued to feel hurt that they could do that to her and she could still love them blindly. Her obsessive Christian thoughts made me uncomfortable. I let those things get in the way of letting my kids get to know her better.
I still have some time left with my grandfather and I will try to make up for lost time. He is an amazing man and I want them to know that. And someday when I'm a grandmother I will try to be like her in some ways and not like her in others.
I used to stay with Mama T in the summer. She lived on the banks of a river and just below a dam. When the river was down, I could play with some neighborhood girls in the river. But today I'm remembering moments when the river had been up pretty high, usually after a good hard rain. Mama T and I would walk along the banks of the river, searching for treasures. Treasures came in all kind of forms, old bottles, interesting shells, all sort of things.
She was a very easy going grandmother. She let us go skinny dipping (which didn't last very long because we got nervous because of the cows watching us). She let us stay up late and I learned about watching Johnny Carson with her. She had a game show addiction and we watched a lot of game shows together. She taught me how to play Solitaire and how to do massages.
She couldn't cook. I never knew anyone could ruin Kraft Mac & cheese like she did. She was not a domestic goddess, which explains my genetic ineptness for housework.
For a girl from a small town, she got to go to Okinawa and Japan. She lived all over the country, Maryland, Arizona, California and of course all over Texas.
Another great memory was her love of pulling over on the side of the road to read historical markers. A 20 minute drive to a grocery store could take over an hour if she knew of some markers for me to read. I need to find time with my kids to teach them about reading markers.
She loved birds and squirrels and had little places for them all over the yard. It didn't matter to her that the squirrels were destructive little rodents, she still loved them. And she had her mother's love of flower beds and you never knew where a flower bed would suddenly spring up or what would become a flower pot.
One of my very favorite memories was when my family was about to move to a new city. As things were being moved, I suddenly realized that I was about to be exposed for hiding the things I couldn't eat behind the deep freeze that had been in the dining room. I began to cry and she came to console me. I confessed to her and she said she would take care of it. She pulled out the deep freeze and together we disposed of the evidence (which wasn't as much as I thought it would be). Years later, when my statute of limitations was over, at a family get together, I told the story. My aunt was furious because when the same woman (my grandmother, her mother) had found out the same thing about my aunt, she made my aunt eat the food and my aunt was upset that I hadn't been punished like she had. My grandmother just smiled and said that was the difference of a mother vs a grandmother.
Over the years, I wasn't as close to her. I went from being her first grandchild and a favorite to some other cousins becoming the center of her world. I have watched those cousins take and take from her and continued to feel hurt that they could do that to her and she could still love them blindly. Her obsessive Christian thoughts made me uncomfortable. I let those things get in the way of letting my kids get to know her better.
I still have some time left with my grandfather and I will try to make up for lost time. He is an amazing man and I want them to know that. And someday when I'm a grandmother I will try to be like her in some ways and not like her in others.
Sunday, December 03, 2006
Life
My grandmother passed away this week. I still had to go to work to meet people who had traveled into my part of the world just to be with me. That night we took T to his employment's end of year party (I love having a responsible 13 year with a job). Saturday I spent the morning sitting with my dad. We talked football, we talked memories and he shared stories with me I hadn't heard before and we rehashed a few I have heard before. Then I took the kids out to my grandfather's house (always before we called it my grandmother's house, that will be an adjustment). The kids hung out with with cousins and I hung out with the adults. It was a nice day.
The funeral home they are using are here in my little town. The local paper does obits for free, unlike all the other papers that are relevant. And the funeral home distribues a little obit flyer to all the local businesses and they post them in easy to see spots. It might sound weird but it is sweet. It gives people a chance to know about a passing that they might not have heard about. Once again I love the community we have moved into it.
But life continues on and I have a moral challenge. The visitation time is at the same time as one of the most important Cowboy games to come around for a long time. And I have a very best friend who is going to keep me updated on the score with text messaging and J is going to help out by setting up the VCR for me.
The only thing I'm truly sad about is my grandfather being alone. They were a true loving couple, childhood sweethearts that lied about their ages to get married. He has CHF and is diabetic and we have had him longer than we were promised. I'm now keenly aware that time is counting down for him. As much as I loved my grandmother, my grandfather has been even more for me. And now I really worry about my cousin taking him for all he is worth.
The funeral home they are using are here in my little town. The local paper does obits for free, unlike all the other papers that are relevant. And the funeral home distribues a little obit flyer to all the local businesses and they post them in easy to see spots. It might sound weird but it is sweet. It gives people a chance to know about a passing that they might not have heard about. Once again I love the community we have moved into it.
But life continues on and I have a moral challenge. The visitation time is at the same time as one of the most important Cowboy games to come around for a long time. And I have a very best friend who is going to keep me updated on the score with text messaging and J is going to help out by setting up the VCR for me.
The only thing I'm truly sad about is my grandfather being alone. They were a true loving couple, childhood sweethearts that lied about their ages to get married. He has CHF and is diabetic and we have had him longer than we were promised. I'm now keenly aware that time is counting down for him. As much as I loved my grandmother, my grandfather has been even more for me. And now I really worry about my cousin taking him for all he is worth.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
