Processing

I'm not sure about my feelings. I signed up for a divorce support email thing, that would send me emails each day. It goes into a lot about despair and depression. I'm worried that I might be in some kind of denial since I'm not experiencing that. It just seems that after 22 years of marriage and an almost entire life with him, I should be sadder. That when I see him, I should see or feel something different than I do. When did I lose this with him?

I have stopped reading the emails. And it makes me think that I might not be able to help to others going through a divorce because I'm just not experiencing more typical emotions.

My main emotion when I do stop and think about it is just bitterness that he still won't be honest about what happened. I think back and over the years there were little rumors about J and other female officers when he worked at the jail. Supposedly when he worked at the health club, a few woman came on to him. Supposedly women hit on him when he was a plumber. At the time I thought he felt comfortable in our relationship to let me know about these things. Now I wonder if he wasn't bragging in a subtle way. That's what he did here at the hospital. He would tell me there were rumors about him and a certain nurse here or there. So it seems possible that all of those 22 years had lies in them.

I can't regret the whole time because I got my children out of it. But maybe I hadn't settled for marrying someone out of fear that no one would ever want me, maybe I would have experienced more of life. He has done a revisionist trick on history, claiming I kept him from jobs around the country that I don't remember him ever mentioning to me. But he kept me from graduating from college (I had to drop out for a long period because he couldn't get a job and when I went back, I did night school while working a full time plus job).

But life will go on. It is like a lot of people asking me how I have managed to take care of the twins. You get up each day, you handle the things in that day. Some you do well, some you don't do well, some you never get to. That's what this stage is like. Each day will be a getting through stage.

Well instead of a new post, I'll just add to this one. He came and dropped off the kids and took a look at my knee since it is hurting so bad today. His touching me brought me to tears. And then the kids said that Julie is sleeping in his bedroom. And I just hate myself for crying that I'm sad that I'm so alone that just a touch brought me to tears. I don't miss him so much per se but I miss being held.