More processing

Don't mind me. I know that getting past things is a painful process. And I'm going to purge something painful here.

One of the things J tried to lay on my doorstep was our sex life. So I'm going to deal with this issue in my own way here.

His claim was that he felt like I never wanted to have sex. Well here is my version of that. And when he tries to come back around I'm going to have this to remind me of the big reasons he won't be allowed back in.

Yes I didn't want sex all the time. There are a lot of reasons for it. One basic was that a lot of time, I was just tired. Mothers understand this - you deal with children, work, housework, cooking and then go to bed not feeling like a porn queen.

Another reason was that I was often in pain. Every since I had T, sex often physically hurt. Maybe it was a physicological after effect from having kids, I don't know. But I was in pain quite often. Add to it my complicated female problems and it was just a bad situation. But almost immediately after having my hysterectomy, I felt like a new person with sex.

But the main reason was the way he treated me in bed. For years, it was a dehumanizing experience. I can't remember when it changed but it did. Very seldom was it a bonding experience between two mates. He had certain desires that I could not physically give him. He wouldn't respect my position on that but instead several times tried to force me. I guess you would call it a type of rape. I know more than once I came up throwing elbow jabs to get him off of me. However bad that sounds, what bothers me most was that he very seldom would kiss me during sex, never said my name and basically just went through the motions. I know a lot of this is classic of someone having affairs.

When I imagine being with someone again, I want someone who will caress me, kiss me, make me know that he knows who is with.