Today

So I sent him an email (not sure if he has read it yet but that besides the point) that I was going to give him his space. I'm not initiating sex, love, affection, etc. If he wants to initiate I will be a very willing participant but I'm not going to smother him while he is trying to figure out what he wants. And maybe, he will start to see what kind of life he is picking if he doesn't have me always reaching out to scratch his back or to give a foot rub without being asked. I don't think he realizes all the little things I have always done for him without being asked to. I'm not shutting him out but I'm not going to demean myself telling him I love him and offering affection when he isn't sure what he feels.

Yes I have been crying a lot last night and today. I came home and of course I'm unlucky enough to have one of those faces that swells up with the first tear so he knew I had been crying. I didn't say anything about all that we have discussed, just kept the conversation on things like how KB is doing (she has been running a fever today) or about Trevor going to the concert to see the girl across the street play her band instrument. As he was leaving he looked like he is really feeling bad because he knows that he is the reason I'm so sad right now. That's fine, I'm not going to pretend that I'm ok with this limbo. I don't want him to think that he can just wait out making a decision. I want to work with him on making a relationship work but at the same time I'm not going to be a doormat either.