It has been hard to blog. I alternate from feeling in control to being out of control. I hate the way J makes me still feel. I start to feel pretty in a dress (my first dress in about 10 years, I haven't even worn a skirt in over 6 years) and he destroys that feeling in a second. I wake up to his phone ringing and it is a call from his "friend" and the ringtone is "Lips of an Angel". Then he takes my kids to her house and I get to hear how much fun they had with her. He then tries to tell me how he spent Friday night crying and how much it hurt for KB to call him asking when was he coming home. Well it was his decision not to come home. He tried to tell me not to let the kids do that to him. Yeah right, I told him I was not going to tell the kids when they could or could not call because I don't want him accusing me of keeping the kids from calling. And I'm not worried about his feelings. He made this bed and he can lie in it.
We will tell the kids after Memorial Day weekend. We have a lot of plans for the weekend with family and friends and don't want to have this hurting them. Then he won't be home at the same time as me until Thursday night so that is when we will tell them. He is then spending the next week getting his stuff together and out. I feel like that is when my life can start over.
He spent the weekend being the fun Dad. Nevermind he is usually the strict no fun one. Now he wants to be the fun Dad. They will buy it for a while but it won't last.
And then I start realizing how scared I am of starting over. I can handle the taking care of kids, I do that mostly alone anyway. But the whole dating thing - I have never been anyone else. I'm not sure I really know how to kiss. I'm pretty sure I'm not any good in bed. Yeah, my self esteem is not feeling too good today. We took a picture of me in my new dress and now I see how fat I look in it. I felt pretty in it until I saw the picture. Now I don't feel confident in it like I did when I bought it.
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3 comments:
Hey--good girl. You follow commands well.
I can only imagine how rough this patch is and it sounds as if it is pretty typical. The shuffle to ind your new roles in the kids' lives will be a struggle for both of you for the next few months, but in the end, remember that the most important thing is that you both maintain a strong front for the kids. You'll get through it.
As for phase two? Honey, you'll be FINE. Just relax and take things as they come. Don't worry about the things that should be good--just embrace the fact that you are about to begin a new and exciting adventure.
Lastly, on the fat thing, stop that. Half of looking great is having confidence in yourself. We all have those moments that you describe--I was horrified to see myself in a mirror at the shoe store today. The dress that I just knew was adorable and flattering looked like utter shit out of the blue. And I swear, after I changed into a different dress that is usually a good stand-by, I gained 15 pounds. And the pictures. Oy. And don't even get me STARTED on my hair. Lord above. My point, though, is I felt like a damn troll, but people complimented me right and left (I was seeing folks that I've not seen since last graduation). My perception was skewed (although I do look dumpy in the pictures, it's not as bad as I imagined) and I'm sure yours is, too. You hone in on the negative and miss all the positives.
You are smart. You are strong. You are funny. You are cute. You are a million other things--own that, Tonya. Own it and believe it and exude it. And wear the damn dress.
Hey Momma, have I told you how proud I am of you today? You are standing up and taking charge. Very proud.
Remember, this whole separation/divorce thing is a vicious circle. Your feelings will change, and sometimes it isn't a good thing. But you've got a support group that loves you and believes in you.
As for the fat crack from that window licker of a soon to be X: *F* him. He realizes what he's losing and you're not acting like he expected you too. You're screwing with him by showing him your independence and ability for resilience.
Personally, I think you look wonderful in your dress. Screw him. He's jealous.
As for 'Lips of An Angel': Highly over rated.
Love you Momma
You were gorgeous in that red dress!!
And don't think for a second you are bad in bed. Maybe your partner didn't bring out the best in you!
You will find a great man who will make you feel sexy, womanly, and loved. When that happens, you will be ON FIRE!
Love to you
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