Calm

It is scary how calm I feel about all the turmoil. We have decided to divorce. For a few nights there was some of the bitterness and hurt you expect to see in a divorcing couple. Then suddenly one night we agreed to give up the bitterness and anger. Suddenly we were able to lie there and laugh at our futures as single people. We have realized that we are able to be friends even if we can't be married. Neither of us want to make this harder on the kids, even later in their lives. I would hate to think of the kids planning a wedding and worrying about inviting both of us.

We talked and we agreed we are still having sex (joked about booty calls). I know this seems risky emotionally but I just found my sex drive that had been MIA for 13 years and it just seems so unfair to give up orgasms. So I'm using J for sex. Let's face it, we haven't had emotional sex in forever. It has been all about animal release, mostly for him. I don't get off too well with electric toys and can't masturbate myself to an orgasm. So I'm out to get what I can while I can.

But do you know that calm that settles on you when it is the right thing? Religious people believe it is when the Lord gives them peace. There is something to that. But I know that I haven't know something was right because of the sense of calm the decision brought me. That is how I feel now. Very calm and very settled. I'm a little nervous about being alone in the house on the nights the kids are with him. I'm very nervous about being single. But I'm thrilled about getting to do things my way, without negotiations and compromise.

To my friends who worry for me and about me, thank you so much for your love and friendship. I might be becoming single, but I know that I'm not really alone.