More drama

You were warned, if you can't stand my drama these days, this is not the post from me to read.

I'm glad I got the sex when I did. Friday J & I spent most of the day fighting. Apparently he just can't get the mindset together to try to make things work. He has been unhappy for years with me. I have tried to tell him before how his constant anger is hard on us to be around. That is now twisted into me telling him what a bad father and a bad husband he is. He talks more and more about us separating. Today we took the kids on a day of shopping and kids being kids, they began to act up some and kept asking for things. It made him so furious that we came home, he refused the kids lunch and gave them an impossible task to get done or get a spanking.

So I fed them and helped them. Even with me driving them hard and helping, we barely got it done in the time limit and then I found out there was still more than I knew that was suppose to be done. I felt like I was being punished too and now he has it in his head that he isn't allowed to punish the kids. So I get to listen to them (not just today but often) comment how much they don't like Dad and what was I thinking marrying a man who cussed at them (I think he used the word damn or shit, not anything harder core than that).

Now we are texting and he keeps twisting the things I say around. I was trying to explain to him yesterday that he has a history of never knowing what he wants in life. He has spent all of his adult life going back and forth in careers. When he worked law enforcement, he missed working with his hands. When he worked with his hands, he wanted to be working public service. I was trying to show him that he has a history of "grass is always greener" syndrome. I used the phrase "you don't know what you want to be when you grow up", not as a slam about maturity which is how he took it but to point out that he keeps bouncing around and not settling into one thing. I have tried and tried to explain that he just doesn't know what he wants in life.

We can't even talk any more. I just don't see a way to make this work. I know I love him and I have looked forward to us growing old together. I know that it is hard on us raising kids and that we can't be like we used to be before kids but I also know that someday they will be gone and it will be the two of us again. But apparently from the way he talks and acts, there just isn't much hope for that. He isn't happy and he doesn't know what will make him happy. But it seems quite evident that being with me isn't part of that equation.

I started to fall in love with him again but it was one sided. He reminds me all the time that he has offers for sex and relationships. I know when we split that he will move on. And I know that in all of my life, he has been the only person who ever wanted me. I don't socialize, I don't have an environment where I would ever meet anyone else. So not only am I losing the one person I have loved, but I'm also ending up in a life all alone.