This is my kind of humor - Steven Wright quotes

This man is a genius. Simply a genius.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.