Calm

It is scary how calm I feel about all the turmoil. We have decided to divorce. For a few nights there was some of the bitterness and hurt you expect to see in a divorcing couple. Then suddenly one night we agreed to give up the bitterness and anger. Suddenly we were able to lie there and laugh at our futures as single people. We have realized that we are able to be friends even if we can't be married. Neither of us want to make this harder on the kids, even later in their lives. I would hate to think of the kids planning a wedding and worrying about inviting both of us.

We talked and we agreed we are still having sex (joked about booty calls). I know this seems risky emotionally but I just found my sex drive that had been MIA for 13 years and it just seems so unfair to give up orgasms. So I'm using J for sex. Let's face it, we haven't had emotional sex in forever. It has been all about animal release, mostly for him. I don't get off too well with electric toys and can't masturbate myself to an orgasm. So I'm out to get what I can while I can.

But do you know that calm that settles on you when it is the right thing? Religious people believe it is when the Lord gives them peace. There is something to that. But I know that I haven't know something was right because of the sense of calm the decision brought me. That is how I feel now. Very calm and very settled. I'm a little nervous about being alone in the house on the nights the kids are with him. I'm very nervous about being single. But I'm thrilled about getting to do things my way, without negotiations and compromise.

To my friends who worry for me and about me, thank you so much for your love and friendship. I might be becoming single, but I know that I'm not really alone.

Spinning wheels

Well J agreed to counseling but in usually fashion, on his terms. I had found one that we could get in to see but the times didn't work for him. So I told him to call her and set up a time that did work for him. No he hasn't called. He doesn't realize it but he has until the end of the week.

In the meantime, I have come to realize what it is I want in a relationship. I had a dream today about falling in love. Someone who would cherish me and find me to be a partner, an equal. But mostly I want someone who I matter to.

J knows I have cried and that this journey has been physically hard on me. And in some ways, I think he feels I deserve this because I have been supposedly so horrible to him. Maybe counseling could help us get through these issues but I think I have evolved in my thinking of life without him. I don't know that I can have my dream of being loved like I want to be loved. But as things are right now, I won't have it with J.

No April Fooling here

Well since I last updated, much has been going on. I decided it was time for action. I set up a new bank account in my name and contacted an attorney.

Apparently I crossed a line. J was very upset when I told him about my checking account. He just doesn't understand that even if we stay together, that I have to know what is going on with the money. Too many times I have gone to pay bills and he has done something I know nothing about. In the last month he didn't deposit one check, the same week withdrew all of his part time check out of the bank, bought $50 of stuff from Amazon, paid $400 of past due balance on his cell phone and bought new scrubs. Amazingly, when I went to pay the gas bill (which he knew I was paying) there was no money and it bounced. They are very unforgiving on a bounced check and I couldn't negotiate anything. I had to borrow it to take care of it. And he is confused why I think I need my own account.

Yesterday we got into a big argument about money and he demanded I do a budget. So I was trying to do a budget of the basics we pay for and he then got into the schedule and started adding all the things we should do. Well we are $100 short on income just doing what we must and that doesn't begin to cover the things we should do. And I need a new car this year so I'm not sure where we begin to find money each month for a car payment and additional insurance.

When he started seeing I was serious about a divorce, he started changing his tune (actually it went, he spent years being miserable and he didn't seek a divorce, so why am I?) and is now willing to go to counseling. I have an appointment set up but honestly I think we have gone past the point of no return.

It is interesting to hear him excuse his behavior. For example, his online affair with a co-worker last year is excused by the fact that I could be doing the same thing and just haven't been caught. I mean, I have two email accounts (three if you count work), I text message a friend and have phone calls. So therefore, his behavior is excused because I have the same opportunity and just haven't been caught. AND he wouldn't have done that if things were good at home, so therefore it is my fault. He is a hypocrite on some issues and can't begin to see it.

I know I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but at least I believe I'm honest about myself. And I think this budget thing showed him that bringing hom $1K a month is not going to be easy for him to live on.

Love sucks!!!

Free form thinking, no logic going to happen here, I just have to purge. Lots of self pity so you are warned.

He isn't happy with anything in his life. No clue what to do to make it better. He whines about his job, his home life, etc. Honestly he says he is taking Lexapro ("and he hadn't been he would have left me a long time ago.") but I can't see that it is working for him because he walks around with a big case of angry.

So if he isn't happy with me, can he be happier without me? He doesn't know. All he can say is that he tried in the past and got hurt. I don't when he tried because I haven't seen that much effort from him in years. But he doesn't want to try now because he doesn't want to get hurt again. I told him that my trying all alone isn't going to save our marriage and he says he understands that. I tried to make him see that if he isn't going to make an effort, the marriage is over. He needs time.

He says he can't say how he feels when things happen and he has to bite his tongue. Well what he doesn't seem to realize is how when he is angry he just radiates pure anger. How often have I bit my tongue? Honestly most relationships have that in it. My mother and father rarely fight because they said they learned that most of the time whatever the argument was about wasn't really worth the hurt and if one did feel strongly enough to fight over it, the other didn't and would give in. As long as that is going on in something resembling fairness, it works.

And as angry as I am with him, I can't say in the words to express how much I still love him and need him. I can't imagine not hearing his voice everyday. I can't imagine not sitting next to him and scratching his back and cuddling.

Now don't think I'm plotting anything with my next comment, but I have wondered if something dramatic happened (like I was in a serious accident or sick), if he would come to realize how he feels.

But waiting for him to realize anything is killing me. I get lots of advice (online and IRL) to leave him but I can't imagine doing that. I can't imagine how I will go along with my days without him. I know I can if I have to but that's like imagining if your partner died suddenly. You could go on but who wishes for it?

I physically hurt right now. Deep down hurt like I have never hurt before. This is reality and unless he makes a sudden shift, I don't see a good ending.

Everyone tells me not to think I will be alone forever. It is hard to imagine life any other way. I have been with him all of my life, literally since I was 13. Even in my younger days no one else was interested in me. Now I'm fat, have 3 kids, no social life, over 40. I have never dated anyone else, never really kissed anyone else. My sister hasn't met the right man and she just turned 37. Honestly right now I can't imagine finding another someone else. And while being on their own works for some people, it isn't what I want.

T is old enough to pick where he goes. While J's working nights means he probably couldn't have T or would take him, I don't know how I would survive without at least T. And can't J see that he is giving up having any real relationship with his kids. I'm so incredibly sad that all they see of their dad is the mean man who keeps yelling and punishing them.

Life and love suck!!!

More drama

You were warned, if you can't stand my drama these days, this is not the post from me to read.

I'm glad I got the sex when I did. Friday J & I spent most of the day fighting. Apparently he just can't get the mindset together to try to make things work. He has been unhappy for years with me. I have tried to tell him before how his constant anger is hard on us to be around. That is now twisted into me telling him what a bad father and a bad husband he is. He talks more and more about us separating. Today we took the kids on a day of shopping and kids being kids, they began to act up some and kept asking for things. It made him so furious that we came home, he refused the kids lunch and gave them an impossible task to get done or get a spanking.

So I fed them and helped them. Even with me driving them hard and helping, we barely got it done in the time limit and then I found out there was still more than I knew that was suppose to be done. I felt like I was being punished too and now he has it in his head that he isn't allowed to punish the kids. So I get to listen to them (not just today but often) comment how much they don't like Dad and what was I thinking marrying a man who cussed at them (I think he used the word damn or shit, not anything harder core than that).

Now we are texting and he keeps twisting the things I say around. I was trying to explain to him yesterday that he has a history of never knowing what he wants in life. He has spent all of his adult life going back and forth in careers. When he worked law enforcement, he missed working with his hands. When he worked with his hands, he wanted to be working public service. I was trying to show him that he has a history of "grass is always greener" syndrome. I used the phrase "you don't know what you want to be when you grow up", not as a slam about maturity which is how he took it but to point out that he keeps bouncing around and not settling into one thing. I have tried and tried to explain that he just doesn't know what he wants in life.

We can't even talk any more. I just don't see a way to make this work. I know I love him and I have looked forward to us growing old together. I know that it is hard on us raising kids and that we can't be like we used to be before kids but I also know that someday they will be gone and it will be the two of us again. But apparently from the way he talks and acts, there just isn't much hope for that. He isn't happy and he doesn't know what will make him happy. But it seems quite evident that being with me isn't part of that equation.

I started to fall in love with him again but it was one sided. He reminds me all the time that he has offers for sex and relationships. I know when we split that he will move on. And I know that in all of my life, he has been the only person who ever wanted me. I don't socialize, I don't have an environment where I would ever meet anyone else. So not only am I losing the one person I have loved, but I'm also ending up in a life all alone.

Whore, Slut, Ho

Where the hell did this sex drive come from?????

Goodness, for the last couple of years, I could have gone without sex for the rest of my life and never batted an eye. Then in the last couple of months, I relearned the word "HORNY".

So I packed off the kids to grandma's house and made a date with my husband. As we were getting into the car, I announced to him that I had put on my black corset. I hadn't worn it in easily a year, maybe longer. The look on his face was priceless. So we flirted a little during dinner, I gave him a handjob in the parking lot while we waited for the movie time to roll around and after the movie we went home for a sex marathon. And I let him have one of his long time fantasies, shaving me.

So a few observations. Three hours of sex does not make a struggling marriage all better. It helps and we both are better for it. It isn't an instant cure but it did build a few bridges.

And the other observation - I'm too old, fat and out of shape for that. My knees hurt and I was sore like I hadn't thought about.

And another observation - there is another grandmother who could use some bonding time with her grandkids.

And another observation - it is good to have a friend I can talk about these things with. I have always been rather private about sex matters but this is one time I felt like bragging and telling the gory details. It isn't the same rehashing it with J but with a friend, it is good.

And another observation - I need more sexy clothes.

And now for something totally different

I can't remember if I have mentioned this before, but I do have some unusual dreams. Every so often I have an extremely vivid dream of someone else's life. I don't know who or why, but in the dream, I am someone totally different. Nothing in the dream is familiar to my regular life. 1000% of it is unrelated to me. Only once was it dramatic, where I saw a crime committed (Alison DuBois kinda moment) but I never saw anything in the news to make me believe I was accessing something happening.

So anyway last night's was very different. I was an 17 year old girl. My family had over a dozen kids and we had all been adopted. There was a brother that I thought of as my twin, even though we were not blood relatives, we were just the same age. We were the oldest of all the kids and like in many large families, we helped out a lot with our siblings.

Our father was a doctor and honestly I don't remember the mother in the dream. I do remember some red headed brothers who were very mischevious. Dad had been transferred to a new hospital, one that was largely empty. The only patients were all in comas and so there wasn't too much worry about all of us kids in disturbing the patients. We moved into the hospital and the girls had one ward and the boys had another. My "twin" managed an exam room of his own but I slept with my sisters.

Apparently I must have been ill or somehow very fragile. I know at one point, I found an abandoned waterfall garden and I fell into the water. My twin brother carried me in and there was a great deal of fussing, which seemed comfortable, like I was used to the fuss.

Oh and an important note, Dad looked Thomas Gibson. Not exactly like him but that kind of good looking. Again, nothing like my real life. ;-)

There were several other fragments of the life, very detailed, very full bodied memories which have stuck with me even after these hours of being awake. And another interesting thing is that this dream all occurred with these high level of details in just a couple of hours. I didn't sleep much last night so I can pretty much pin point the exact hours I had this dream. This is common when I have these types of dreams.

Someday I would love to have a good explanation for these. But for now, it is kind of fun to live someone else's life, even if just for a couple of hours. I didn't grab any names in this one, but often I do, at least first names. Never enough to say where they happen or even when. Just a piece of someone else's life. I just hope that whoever it is isn't getting my life in exchange. That just wouldn't be fair.

One of those little things

So maybe it was last year that J told me that he slept better with my pillow. Something about how I scrunch it up and how it smelled like my shampoo, etc. It was a very sweet little moment and stood in my memory because he doesn't say sappy things like that.

Ok so now let's move forward to the more recent past. A couple of months ago, J got territorial about which pillows go on which side of the bed, to the point he wrote our names on the pillows. It drove me a little nuts and I did notice that suddenly my pillow wasn't as comfortable, etc. Hmmm, wonder how that happens. But I decided to not make a big issue out of it.

So yesterday I washed our sheets, working on decontaminating our house a little and when we were making the bed, I subtly pointed out how my pillow had both his and mine names on it. Then I reminded him how he commented on liking my pillow so much and how over time, it had become his pillow. He switched them back.

Little things.

Valentine's Day card from Hell

Here is what J wrote.

I know right now we are having problems and we don't know how it will end. All we can do is have hope. I do appreciate everything you do and I do love you. I do feel that but to what level I just don't know. Maybe if we can work this out, it will make us stronger in the end. If not then we know we tried. I still want to tell you I love you but at the same time not mislead you.

Just remember I do love you but love cannot fix everything. If it could then we would not be here we are right now. I would have fixed it a long time ago. Just remember it takes time for things to fail and to get fixed. And we both need time to think and see what happens.

BTW I did not get your gift as the kids were sick and we need to understand what's going on.

Isn't that the sentiment every woman wants to hear on Valentine's Day?

Today

So I sent him an email (not sure if he has read it yet but that besides the point) that I was going to give him his space. I'm not initiating sex, love, affection, etc. If he wants to initiate I will be a very willing participant but I'm not going to smother him while he is trying to figure out what he wants. And maybe, he will start to see what kind of life he is picking if he doesn't have me always reaching out to scratch his back or to give a foot rub without being asked. I don't think he realizes all the little things I have always done for him without being asked to. I'm not shutting him out but I'm not going to demean myself telling him I love him and offering affection when he isn't sure what he feels.

Yes I have been crying a lot last night and today. I came home and of course I'm unlucky enough to have one of those faces that swells up with the first tear so he knew I had been crying. I didn't say anything about all that we have discussed, just kept the conversation on things like how KB is doing (she has been running a fever today) or about Trevor going to the concert to see the girl across the street play her band instrument. As he was leaving he looked like he is really feeling bad because he knows that he is the reason I'm so sad right now. That's fine, I'm not going to pretend that I'm ok with this limbo. I don't want him to think that he can just wait out making a decision. I want to work with him on making a relationship work but at the same time I'm not going to be a doormat either.

The beginning of the end?

Well things have been rocky for a while with me & J. We have had a couple of heart to heart talks about trying to salvage our marriage. I have been making a full scale attempt to make things better but he hasn't and he admits he is having a hard time trying.

Basically I told him tonight that he needs to figure out what he wants. I'm tired of trying to be a wife if he isn't going to try to be a husband. He's angry with all of us half the time he is around and when he is around, he pretty much wants to sleep. But nothing we do around here makes him happy. He doesn't like anything and everyone is tired of being yelled at.

He's good friends with women at work. The other morning I woke up to find him in the kitchen talking on the phone with one. He talks to them on the phone and I wouldn't be surprised that he texts them. He admits he would have problems if I was talking to men like he talks to women but yet he doesn't want to give up his friends. It does bother me that he is more willing to talk to them than he is to me. But yet I do understand the need to talk with friends. He says without them he would have been gone.

And he admits he isn't sure that he does love me. I know I love him but I'm reaching the point where I know that I can't continue the pretense of this all. He had been talking about getting me a Valentine's Day gift and I told him not to waste the time or money until he knows that he loves me, that right now it is a cruel insult to me. He even refused sex the other day because he feels like it is wrong while he is trying to figure out what he wants.

While I want this to work out, I guess I need to prepare myself for the possibility of how I'm going to raise 3 kids on my own. But let me say that it hurts deeply to hear someone you have been married to for 22 years to say the words that he isn't sure that he loves you any more.

It Comes in Three's

This morning I found out one of my great aunts passed away during the night. She was my grandmother's youngest sister. We had no reason to see this coming. She had been having some very minor health problems with vomitting but we didn't think of it as life threatening.

She was closer to my dad's age than my grandmother's. All my life she was the aunt I was closest to. Although she was my father's aunt, she and my mother have been very good friends over the years.

Three of the four sisters died this year. The oldest has Alzheimers and is in a nursing home. She never had kids and so the youngest sister had been taking care of her. It looks like we will have to move her to another home so that she is closer to family.

In our family, deaths always come in threes. We usually are spending time at the 2nd funeral, wondering who is the next person. This is three and unfortunately we have two more who are close. One is the great aunt with the Alzheimers who isn't in good health. The other is a cousin who was in an accident a few years ago and has been a quadpeglic. This last year he had a large tumor removed. Now he has cancer of the laranyx and it can't be operated on and he has just a short period of time left.

I have been very blessed to grow up in a large extended family that is close to each other. But these are the times that make you realize it does come with some pain too. I will miss my aunt Kathi. She was a big hearted woman who was sugary sweet without being nausating. In some ways this hurts more than losing my grandmother. Kathi wasn't done living her life. I can picture her in Heaven giving someone hell for taking her before her work was done. My grandmother was done and ready to go. I'll miss her but I understood it was time. This time I can't accept that.

I feel so bad for my cousins who lost their mother and grandmother. I can't begin to imagine how much they hurt right now.

Country music

Ok on to other subjects for a little while (yes, De Nile is a lovely place to hang out).

Country music. J has been watching videos a lot lately and I'm getting hooked again. It doesn't hurt that I got a MP3 from him so I can feed the habit.

First - Toby Keith is damn funny. If you can, catch the "Little Too Late" video, you will see what I mean. It is a sick twisted thought that leaves you laughing at the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeVEbhAFgI8

I also still love the song "Beer for my Horses". And he isn't hard to look at either.

Second - OMG, I haven't panted over a man in ages. Ok maybe Tony Romo for making football exciting (until the Christmas game, which I can't discuss). But I must say Troy Gentry is a fine sample of manhood. He is the better looking half of Montgomery Gentry (the one without the cowboy hat in case you question what I like). I can watch this video all day long. I like the song and the message, but I especially like the face. Whoa baby.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkZKOYsz5yA

One gig of memory on my MP3 just isn't enough. J does this to me every time. Last one he bought couldn't do books (didn't have a resume capability). This one is too small. He means well and I'm certainly thrilled to be able to listen to music at work again. I hate radio stations with commercials and people talking. When I'm in the mood for music, I don't want to hear talk. If I want talk, I know the talk radio station for either politics or for sports.

Next adventure is that he wants to go dancing. Haha, I didn't dance when I was young. I can't imagine I'm going to find a beat now.

Sad

I have been looking at where I am in my life and I can honestly say I'm not happy with where I am.

I have family that I love but I am the one who initiates most conversations.

I have no friends at work. The only friend that I talk to is not very close by. I have no one around to do things with.

I have tried to make friends but always seem to miss.

I'm lonely. J is never here and when he is, he still isn't here.

Just a really low point right now.

Saying goodbye to my grandmother

Just a rambling post while I process some moments of grief.

I used to stay with Mama T in the summer. She lived on the banks of a river and just below a dam. When the river was down, I could play with some neighborhood girls in the river. But today I'm remembering moments when the river had been up pretty high, usually after a good hard rain. Mama T and I would walk along the banks of the river, searching for treasures. Treasures came in all kind of forms, old bottles, interesting shells, all sort of things.

She was a very easy going grandmother. She let us go skinny dipping (which didn't last very long because we got nervous because of the cows watching us). She let us stay up late and I learned about watching Johnny Carson with her. She had a game show addiction and we watched a lot of game shows together. She taught me how to play Solitaire and how to do massages.

She couldn't cook. I never knew anyone could ruin Kraft Mac & cheese like she did. She was not a domestic goddess, which explains my genetic ineptness for housework.

For a girl from a small town, she got to go to Okinawa and Japan. She lived all over the country, Maryland, Arizona, California and of course all over Texas.

Another great memory was her love of pulling over on the side of the road to read historical markers. A 20 minute drive to a grocery store could take over an hour if she knew of some markers for me to read. I need to find time with my kids to teach them about reading markers.

She loved birds and squirrels and had little places for them all over the yard. It didn't matter to her that the squirrels were destructive little rodents, she still loved them. And she had her mother's love of flower beds and you never knew where a flower bed would suddenly spring up or what would become a flower pot.

One of my very favorite memories was when my family was about to move to a new city. As things were being moved, I suddenly realized that I was about to be exposed for hiding the things I couldn't eat behind the deep freeze that had been in the dining room. I began to cry and she came to console me. I confessed to her and she said she would take care of it. She pulled out the deep freeze and together we disposed of the evidence (which wasn't as much as I thought it would be). Years later, when my statute of limitations was over, at a family get together, I told the story. My aunt was furious because when the same woman (my grandmother, her mother) had found out the same thing about my aunt, she made my aunt eat the food and my aunt was upset that I hadn't been punished like she had. My grandmother just smiled and said that was the difference of a mother vs a grandmother.

Over the years, I wasn't as close to her. I went from being her first grandchild and a favorite to some other cousins becoming the center of her world. I have watched those cousins take and take from her and continued to feel hurt that they could do that to her and she could still love them blindly. Her obsessive Christian thoughts made me uncomfortable. I let those things get in the way of letting my kids get to know her better.

I still have some time left with my grandfather and I will try to make up for lost time. He is an amazing man and I want them to know that. And someday when I'm a grandmother I will try to be like her in some ways and not like her in others.

Life

My grandmother passed away this week. I still had to go to work to meet people who had traveled into my part of the world just to be with me. That night we took T to his employment's end of year party (I love having a responsible 13 year with a job). Saturday I spent the morning sitting with my dad. We talked football, we talked memories and he shared stories with me I hadn't heard before and we rehashed a few I have heard before. Then I took the kids out to my grandfather's house (always before we called it my grandmother's house, that will be an adjustment). The kids hung out with with cousins and I hung out with the adults. It was a nice day.

The funeral home they are using are here in my little town. The local paper does obits for free, unlike all the other papers that are relevant. And the funeral home distribues a little obit flyer to all the local businesses and they post them in easy to see spots. It might sound weird but it is sweet. It gives people a chance to know about a passing that they might not have heard about. Once again I love the community we have moved into it.

But life continues on and I have a moral challenge. The visitation time is at the same time as one of the most important Cowboy games to come around for a long time. And I have a very best friend who is going to keep me updated on the score with text messaging and J is going to help out by setting up the VCR for me.

The only thing I'm truly sad about is my grandfather being alone. They were a true loving couple, childhood sweethearts that lied about their ages to get married. He has CHF and is diabetic and we have had him longer than we were promised. I'm now keenly aware that time is counting down for him. As much as I loved my grandmother, my grandfather has been even more for me. And now I really worry about my cousin taking him for all he is worth.

Yes I have been away

Life has been a wild roller coaster ride. I'm never too sure if I'm about to be fired or promoted. J is now working 3 jobs and will be adding a 4th one soon. None of them pay well yet but there is a possibility that he will get a job in a few months that will. He will be gone 21 days straight if he gets it, but then will be off 21 days where he could still work one of his current jobs part time.

I had a laproscopic hysterectomy last week. This is the way to get rid of excess female parts. I can't believe how fast I have been able to recover.

My Cowboys are pulling themselves together so nicely and it is possible to believe that we could be heading to the play offs. I'm excited beyond words. I could carry on for hours about being excited about Tony Romo but that probably isn't necessary.

Not that I'm trying to bash Drew Bledsoe but check out the Drew Bledsoe blog link. That is the funniest blog I have read ever and the comments even make it better. I can't remember laughing so much in a long time.

Ok life carries on now.

This is my kind of humor - Steven Wright quotes

This man is a genius. Simply a genius.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

This does not belong in any sport

...when Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth stomped on Dallas center Andre Gurode's face and was ejected. Gurode needed stitches above his left eye and didn't return because of blurry vision.

It was uncalled for and after going to both Cowboys' and Titans' fan forums, I'm glad to see that no one liked what happened. Apparently this guy is a known problem and for that I'm sorry for the Titans. I know what it is like to have well performing players who lack character. BTDT. The Titan fans have been very classy on the forums, unlike many years ago when another team's fans pelted players with snowballs packed with hard objects like batteries. Instead this is a problem isolated to a single guy who the new commissioner needs to take a very hard line.

Now he did do an apology in the post game wrap up.

DT ALBERT HAYNESWORTH

(on his hit on Andre Gurode)

First thing I’d like to say is, nobody told me what to say. Nobody coached me on my statement or anything like that. It’s all coming from me. What I’d like to say is I’m very sorry. I apologize to Andre. What I did was disgusting. It’s something that should never happen. I mean I’m not a dirty player. I don’t play dirty. I have respect for the game. What I feel like is I disgraced the game, disgraced my team and disgraced my last name. I just don’t know what else to say to apologize. When I was sitting in here in the locker room when the game was going on, I was looking at my phone, which has my kids on it. I don’t want them to have my last name and to think their Dad was a dirty player because I don’t play that way. I play with a lot of heart. What I did out there was disgusting. It doesn’t matter what the league does to me. The way I feel right now, you just can’t describe it.

Nice words but too bad he didn't think before he acted. The only good thing I can say is that he isn't whining that it is someone else's fault. The next mature step is to go to his coach and the NFL and offer his own punishment thoughts.

About TO and his latest week in the headlines... At first I was oh the poor drama queen. However after reading all that I have, I think the accidental OD is probably the truth. The police thought it looked like suicide, who knows what he was saying and what they were hearing and of course the press rushed it to the wires without much knowledge. But at the end of the day, he gave a solid performance just 2 weeks after hand surgery and he got physical out there, catching and throwing solid blocks. It is early dealing with him, but he isn't the first difficult player who has come to Dallas knowing this could be the last time someone was willing to take a chance. Some players have mended their ways and gave the fans what they wanted. Others couldn't be taught a lesson. Time will say which will be TO's time here.

And I'm hearing that Vanderjerk is not getting along with people in the lockerroom. Big surprise, right?

Warning - Not for the timid of heart

Two things that are on my mind at the moment

I'm seriously disappointed in the Cowboy's performance today. Bledsoe didn't have his stuff together. His interceptions were on him for bad throws. The whole stretching on the sideline is a sign that he isn't going to make it long.

Secondly, I have a pimple in my pussy. It hurts to walk. I get these often and I hate them. Usually, despite the pain, I can pop it and it goes away. This one won't pop and it just keeps on hurting.

Ok, carry on. Nothing exciting in my world.