It Comes in Three's

This morning I found out one of my great aunts passed away during the night. She was my grandmother's youngest sister. We had no reason to see this coming. She had been having some very minor health problems with vomitting but we didn't think of it as life threatening.

She was closer to my dad's age than my grandmother's. All my life she was the aunt I was closest to. Although she was my father's aunt, she and my mother have been very good friends over the years.

Three of the four sisters died this year. The oldest has Alzheimers and is in a nursing home. She never had kids and so the youngest sister had been taking care of her. It looks like we will have to move her to another home so that she is closer to family.

In our family, deaths always come in threes. We usually are spending time at the 2nd funeral, wondering who is the next person. This is three and unfortunately we have two more who are close. One is the great aunt with the Alzheimers who isn't in good health. The other is a cousin who was in an accident a few years ago and has been a quadpeglic. This last year he had a large tumor removed. Now he has cancer of the laranyx and it can't be operated on and he has just a short period of time left.

I have been very blessed to grow up in a large extended family that is close to each other. But these are the times that make you realize it does come with some pain too. I will miss my aunt Kathi. She was a big hearted woman who was sugary sweet without being nausating. In some ways this hurts more than losing my grandmother. Kathi wasn't done living her life. I can picture her in Heaven giving someone hell for taking her before her work was done. My grandmother was done and ready to go. I'll miss her but I understood it was time. This time I can't accept that.

I feel so bad for my cousins who lost their mother and grandmother. I can't begin to imagine how much they hurt right now.

Country music

Ok on to other subjects for a little while (yes, De Nile is a lovely place to hang out).

Country music. J has been watching videos a lot lately and I'm getting hooked again. It doesn't hurt that I got a MP3 from him so I can feed the habit.

First - Toby Keith is damn funny. If you can, catch the "Little Too Late" video, you will see what I mean. It is a sick twisted thought that leaves you laughing at the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeVEbhAFgI8

I also still love the song "Beer for my Horses". And he isn't hard to look at either.

Second - OMG, I haven't panted over a man in ages. Ok maybe Tony Romo for making football exciting (until the Christmas game, which I can't discuss). But I must say Troy Gentry is a fine sample of manhood. He is the better looking half of Montgomery Gentry (the one without the cowboy hat in case you question what I like). I can watch this video all day long. I like the song and the message, but I especially like the face. Whoa baby.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkZKOYsz5yA

One gig of memory on my MP3 just isn't enough. J does this to me every time. Last one he bought couldn't do books (didn't have a resume capability). This one is too small. He means well and I'm certainly thrilled to be able to listen to music at work again. I hate radio stations with commercials and people talking. When I'm in the mood for music, I don't want to hear talk. If I want talk, I know the talk radio station for either politics or for sports.

Next adventure is that he wants to go dancing. Haha, I didn't dance when I was young. I can't imagine I'm going to find a beat now.

Sad

I have been looking at where I am in my life and I can honestly say I'm not happy with where I am.

I have family that I love but I am the one who initiates most conversations.

I have no friends at work. The only friend that I talk to is not very close by. I have no one around to do things with.

I have tried to make friends but always seem to miss.

I'm lonely. J is never here and when he is, he still isn't here.

Just a really low point right now.

Saying goodbye to my grandmother

Just a rambling post while I process some moments of grief.

I used to stay with Mama T in the summer. She lived on the banks of a river and just below a dam. When the river was down, I could play with some neighborhood girls in the river. But today I'm remembering moments when the river had been up pretty high, usually after a good hard rain. Mama T and I would walk along the banks of the river, searching for treasures. Treasures came in all kind of forms, old bottles, interesting shells, all sort of things.

She was a very easy going grandmother. She let us go skinny dipping (which didn't last very long because we got nervous because of the cows watching us). She let us stay up late and I learned about watching Johnny Carson with her. She had a game show addiction and we watched a lot of game shows together. She taught me how to play Solitaire and how to do massages.

She couldn't cook. I never knew anyone could ruin Kraft Mac & cheese like she did. She was not a domestic goddess, which explains my genetic ineptness for housework.

For a girl from a small town, she got to go to Okinawa and Japan. She lived all over the country, Maryland, Arizona, California and of course all over Texas.

Another great memory was her love of pulling over on the side of the road to read historical markers. A 20 minute drive to a grocery store could take over an hour if she knew of some markers for me to read. I need to find time with my kids to teach them about reading markers.

She loved birds and squirrels and had little places for them all over the yard. It didn't matter to her that the squirrels were destructive little rodents, she still loved them. And she had her mother's love of flower beds and you never knew where a flower bed would suddenly spring up or what would become a flower pot.

One of my very favorite memories was when my family was about to move to a new city. As things were being moved, I suddenly realized that I was about to be exposed for hiding the things I couldn't eat behind the deep freeze that had been in the dining room. I began to cry and she came to console me. I confessed to her and she said she would take care of it. She pulled out the deep freeze and together we disposed of the evidence (which wasn't as much as I thought it would be). Years later, when my statute of limitations was over, at a family get together, I told the story. My aunt was furious because when the same woman (my grandmother, her mother) had found out the same thing about my aunt, she made my aunt eat the food and my aunt was upset that I hadn't been punished like she had. My grandmother just smiled and said that was the difference of a mother vs a grandmother.

Over the years, I wasn't as close to her. I went from being her first grandchild and a favorite to some other cousins becoming the center of her world. I have watched those cousins take and take from her and continued to feel hurt that they could do that to her and she could still love them blindly. Her obsessive Christian thoughts made me uncomfortable. I let those things get in the way of letting my kids get to know her better.

I still have some time left with my grandfather and I will try to make up for lost time. He is an amazing man and I want them to know that. And someday when I'm a grandmother I will try to be like her in some ways and not like her in others.

Life

My grandmother passed away this week. I still had to go to work to meet people who had traveled into my part of the world just to be with me. That night we took T to his employment's end of year party (I love having a responsible 13 year with a job). Saturday I spent the morning sitting with my dad. We talked football, we talked memories and he shared stories with me I hadn't heard before and we rehashed a few I have heard before. Then I took the kids out to my grandfather's house (always before we called it my grandmother's house, that will be an adjustment). The kids hung out with with cousins and I hung out with the adults. It was a nice day.

The funeral home they are using are here in my little town. The local paper does obits for free, unlike all the other papers that are relevant. And the funeral home distribues a little obit flyer to all the local businesses and they post them in easy to see spots. It might sound weird but it is sweet. It gives people a chance to know about a passing that they might not have heard about. Once again I love the community we have moved into it.

But life continues on and I have a moral challenge. The visitation time is at the same time as one of the most important Cowboy games to come around for a long time. And I have a very best friend who is going to keep me updated on the score with text messaging and J is going to help out by setting up the VCR for me.

The only thing I'm truly sad about is my grandfather being alone. They were a true loving couple, childhood sweethearts that lied about their ages to get married. He has CHF and is diabetic and we have had him longer than we were promised. I'm now keenly aware that time is counting down for him. As much as I loved my grandmother, my grandfather has been even more for me. And now I really worry about my cousin taking him for all he is worth.

Yes I have been away

Life has been a wild roller coaster ride. I'm never too sure if I'm about to be fired or promoted. J is now working 3 jobs and will be adding a 4th one soon. None of them pay well yet but there is a possibility that he will get a job in a few months that will. He will be gone 21 days straight if he gets it, but then will be off 21 days where he could still work one of his current jobs part time.

I had a laproscopic hysterectomy last week. This is the way to get rid of excess female parts. I can't believe how fast I have been able to recover.

My Cowboys are pulling themselves together so nicely and it is possible to believe that we could be heading to the play offs. I'm excited beyond words. I could carry on for hours about being excited about Tony Romo but that probably isn't necessary.

Not that I'm trying to bash Drew Bledsoe but check out the Drew Bledsoe blog link. That is the funniest blog I have read ever and the comments even make it better. I can't remember laughing so much in a long time.

Ok life carries on now.

This is my kind of humor - Steven Wright quotes

This man is a genius. Simply a genius.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

This does not belong in any sport

...when Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth stomped on Dallas center Andre Gurode's face and was ejected. Gurode needed stitches above his left eye and didn't return because of blurry vision.

It was uncalled for and after going to both Cowboys' and Titans' fan forums, I'm glad to see that no one liked what happened. Apparently this guy is a known problem and for that I'm sorry for the Titans. I know what it is like to have well performing players who lack character. BTDT. The Titan fans have been very classy on the forums, unlike many years ago when another team's fans pelted players with snowballs packed with hard objects like batteries. Instead this is a problem isolated to a single guy who the new commissioner needs to take a very hard line.

Now he did do an apology in the post game wrap up.

DT ALBERT HAYNESWORTH

(on his hit on Andre Gurode)

First thing I’d like to say is, nobody told me what to say. Nobody coached me on my statement or anything like that. It’s all coming from me. What I’d like to say is I’m very sorry. I apologize to Andre. What I did was disgusting. It’s something that should never happen. I mean I’m not a dirty player. I don’t play dirty. I have respect for the game. What I feel like is I disgraced the game, disgraced my team and disgraced my last name. I just don’t know what else to say to apologize. When I was sitting in here in the locker room when the game was going on, I was looking at my phone, which has my kids on it. I don’t want them to have my last name and to think their Dad was a dirty player because I don’t play that way. I play with a lot of heart. What I did out there was disgusting. It doesn’t matter what the league does to me. The way I feel right now, you just can’t describe it.

Nice words but too bad he didn't think before he acted. The only good thing I can say is that he isn't whining that it is someone else's fault. The next mature step is to go to his coach and the NFL and offer his own punishment thoughts.

About TO and his latest week in the headlines... At first I was oh the poor drama queen. However after reading all that I have, I think the accidental OD is probably the truth. The police thought it looked like suicide, who knows what he was saying and what they were hearing and of course the press rushed it to the wires without much knowledge. But at the end of the day, he gave a solid performance just 2 weeks after hand surgery and he got physical out there, catching and throwing solid blocks. It is early dealing with him, but he isn't the first difficult player who has come to Dallas knowing this could be the last time someone was willing to take a chance. Some players have mended their ways and gave the fans what they wanted. Others couldn't be taught a lesson. Time will say which will be TO's time here.

And I'm hearing that Vanderjerk is not getting along with people in the lockerroom. Big surprise, right?

Warning - Not for the timid of heart

Two things that are on my mind at the moment

I'm seriously disappointed in the Cowboy's performance today. Bledsoe didn't have his stuff together. His interceptions were on him for bad throws. The whole stretching on the sideline is a sign that he isn't going to make it long.

Secondly, I have a pimple in my pussy. It hurts to walk. I get these often and I hate them. Usually, despite the pain, I can pop it and it goes away. This one won't pop and it just keeps on hurting.

Ok, carry on. Nothing exciting in my world.

Realizations

I have realized I have a phobia, besides my well documented phobia of fire. Now I know I am and have been afraid of crowds. We took the kids to a festival here in town. People come from all over the states to go to it. Well J had to go help look for a missing kid and I was manuvering the crowds with the twins. I got impatient, starting to have an anxiety attack and couldn't get all of us out of there fast enough. The same thing on a smaller scale happened the night before when just J&I were there.

Looking back, I have been that way at fairs, crowded malls, etc. As J pointed out, I'm that way in traffic congestation. I guess this is the reason I was anxious for us to move away from Dallas.

But the bigger realization is that I'm still having issues with trusting J. He made a mistake a few months ago. Not the worst kind of mistake, just one that hurt. I guess I'm still not trusting him and I'm still acting out. This all came out tonight. I haven't been good lately of throwing away my soda cans in the living room and I had a small collection on the end table. I went to throw them away and they were makred with a M on the top of the can. J had been cleaning in the living room and I thought maybe he had marked them as Monday, like he was keeping up with how long it would take me to throw them away. It really pissed me off and I called him at work about what his point was. He said he didn't do it and I believe him (probably was K, not sure if M was for Mom or what she is up to). But he is hurt now that I would think that of him. And he is right, that would be really shitty for me to suspect him of. He doesn't make comments about my housekeeping/lack of housekeeping skills.

Part of the issue is my stress level is skyrocketing. I'm upset about work, worried about finances and just not a happy person. I'm taking it out on the wrong people and I have to do better with them. They don't deserve the way I am right now.

Yup, turning 40 sucks

Sucky day. No one to eat lunch with today. A couple of phone calls wishing me Happy Birthday and that is it. No presents. As usual, J gave me excuses how he is looking for the perfect gift. Yeah, I did the shitty thing and reminded him that I'm still waiting for my Mother's Day present that he was looking for.

Came home and not even artwork from the kids. I get to cook supper tonight. All I want is one day a year where I'm special. Everyone knew how much I hated this birthday. Instead I get to spend the weekend painting my mother's bathroom. I didn't even get taken out to dinner.

I should know better than to expect anything. It is my job to make them feel special.

Let's admit it

I'm depressed. Massively depressed.

I can't stand turning 40. I know I need to see it as a number that I'm no different than I was a year ago. I can't get past it. My body is falling apart. My hair is so grey.

Right now my job sucks. I know as a supervisor I'm not suppose to care about popularity, yadada. But it hurts like hell to realize no one really likes me except my boss. I'm only human. I keep taking it on the chin about their feelings but I want to scream, dammit, I have feelings too.

I know my depression comes from being worn out. I didn't go to work today just because I'm sick to my stomach which is because I'm tired. Just deep down tired.

Bad night last night

Last night (Friday) J got called out for ambulance duty on one of the nastiest ones ever. Car on an old country road with mom, 5 yr old girl, 9 yr old boy and 14 yr old girl was hit by a drunk driver. The mother was killed instantly and it will be a true miracle if all of the kids survive. Two of them were taken by helicopter to large city hospitals because of the extent of their injuries and it isn't like we have the most rinky-dink hospital here. The details of their injuries are too gruesome to go into but it shook J bad. Luckily his volunteer ambulance did immediate crisis management and did a counseling session with everyone before they left the station house.

The father was called to the scene. I can't begin to imagine his anguish. His children are at 3 separate hospitals with grim possibilities ahead, his wife is dead. In just a moment, his world was shattered.

And as it often happens, the drunk driver was barely hurt. It was his 3rd DUI incident. There isn't a hell deep or hot enough for him. I have tried to pity him as someone who has a problem but still, there is this family who will never be the same again. I just can't pity him.

Eating anger - more work bs

No I haven't forgotten to blog. I'm actually been working on eating some anger. I won't win any ground by expressing to anyone how I really feel about some things at work. So I'm taking the high road and just concentrating on getting my work done. Somewhere along the line I have pissed someone off. She is leaving but she is working on making me look and feel bad. If I defend myself against this sneak attack, I'm making excuses. I'm kinda seeing that my boss is getting the hint so my best course is to just let the person bury herself. She will be gone in Jan no matter what.

Part of what really burns me is that I have defended her so many times when people have badmouthed her. She didn't use to be this way towards me. I'm finding out that she has resented when I handled the acquisition. She didn't want to travel so it went to me because I was willing to. I'm guessing she felt passed over and then she was definitely passed over for another position (which had nothing to do with me). She is leaving to improve her education so that she is able to move forward with her career.

One of her things was that she didn't think I should get her office when she leaves. My boss was like, so who should since I have the most seniority? But apparently this person thinks that my getting the bigger office will cause hard feelings. Why? Right now, I'm the third in command in the office, I will be second after she leaves. My current office will go to the next higher person who will be thrilled with it.

Most of this shit is petty but it is the volume coming from someone I had thought of as a friend that gets to me.

Supervisor Spewing

Ignore if you are tired of me whining about work. I figure everyone is tired of it so I'm keeping it off the board.

So I'm hunting for a replacement for David (names are changed to protect the innocent from Google hunts). Ok, that's fine. He did give me a good exit interview. But it has come to a head that my cash manager is not happy. I have talked to her about her obvious unhappiness. But now several people have gone to the controller about how unhappy Becky is. She isn't doing her full job, someone is helping to carry her weight. When David used to do it, he did the job and carried someone else. Now she needs someone to bail her out and the job hasn't changed. She can't handle it and she is coming up on the end of her probation. So I have extended her probation to buy me more time to get at least one of the positions filled. But during our conversation, she won't tell me why she is so unhappy at work. Honestly I think she is just one of those people who is unhappy so often. She says others are unfriendly but she won't go talk to people and when people are near her talking, she won't participate or even make eye contact. She has gotten belligerient when asked to go to training or company/department meetings. She said she hasn't been well trained, but both David & I have worked with training her. Her examples basically came down to her not being willing to ask any questions so somehow that is our fault. Mostly everything is someone else's fault and not hers. I really can't see that she is salvagable which is sad because I hate going through this again.

I did get a raise today. My review wasn't a ringing success but I have really struggled as a supervisor a lot and I know it. With the changes coming up, I don't think I will be made Assistant Controller. I don't think I have the CFO's endorsement since he wouldn't approve my raise until he did the exit interview with David. I can't say I blame him. He keeps hearing that I'm abusive to people. All I can do is be so sugary nice and wait for my bad reputation to go away. I'm sure Becky will help. Not.

Random randomness

I have so many things I wish I could tackle. The things I think I can do on my own require money. The things that we have the parts for, I don't have the skillset to do. Example, the bathroom sink drips (almost pours). Now if it had water shutoff for the sink supply, I could turn off the water and see what I could do to put in the new gaskets. If I screwed it up, the water could stay off until J could look at it. But I would have to turn off water to the whole house and that is too big a gamble on my skills. We have ceiling fans and I would try to do it but again, I have never ever ever dealt with electricity and the fans are used, so there aren't instructions included.

I have decided on the pond that I will put in a liner over the preform so that I don't have to deal with why we keep having leaks. Actually I'm thinking about pulling out the preforms and going with a softer, more natural look. But I have to buy the liner, harvest more stones and I think I want to change up the filter housing to get a more natural looking waterfalls. All of that takes money.

You know how you have those movies that you watch every single time it comes on. I'm victim of one of those today. You've Got Mail is it today. I just love that movie. It is such a sweet movie.

I need to go clean my dining room. How much can I do in commercial breaks?

I need to find a project to sink my heart into.

Can you believe school will start back up in about 3 weeks? I need to go get school supplies and a few outfits. I don't believe in buying whole wardrobes for school starting. A couple of new things for each of them. New shoes is the big thing and goodness it will be expensive to put shoes on T.

He is becoming an adult right before my eyes. Oh believe me he stilll has child moments but still there are more and more adult moments. I can't believe he is about to be a teenager. Where has time gone?

And I'm very upset about turning 40. I know it shouldn't be a big deal. It is just a number and I'm as old as I feel and all that dribble. I was an adult and on my own when my mother turned 40. How can I be that old? I have friends I went to school with who are now grandparents. I'm barely old enough to have a teenager. I work with numbers all the time and they really don't mean much. But this number is really haunting me.

I like it when you see people break out of their shells and succeed. Robin Williams going into drama is a great example.

I'm afraid somehow I have upset a friend. Nothing specific comes to mind but I feel like she is avoiding me suddenly and I don't know how to bridge the gap without making her feel awkward. I'm so bad at handling things with people. Numbers are safer except for that damn number 40.

Just to be on the record

LaGuardia Airport sucks old wrinkled donkey dicks. Just in case you didn't know that, I thought I would share that with you.

Maine is such a cool place to visit. This is THE place to go eat for a good meal and an incredible view.







I really like going here. You can sit out at the picnic tables overlooking the waves crashing against the rocks below. On a foggy day the call from the lighthouse is just amazing!

http://www.lobstershack-twolights.com/index.htm

I'm still so tired from the trip. I feel like I just can't get enough sleep.

Hauntings??

Each evening T & I go to bed about the same time, around 11 or 11:30. This house is very quiet at night. You can hear the trains go through a few blocks away. Otherwise, there is no real noises in the house. Even the AC is very quiet.

So last night we went to bed. I heard a noise, sort of an animal cry noise. T was in my room wondering if I had heard it. Then a few minutes later we heard 3 knocking noises. Tap tap tap. Now this isn't the first time I have heard the three knocks. I have heard it earlier in the evenings. I thought before it was the dreaded neighbor child playing a prank by knocking and running off (the only term I know for this practice is a nasty degoratory term that I won't use). Every time I have heard it, no one has been at the door. So T & I go around the house and look and find nothing. We both go to bed. A few minutes later, a different noise. Again T is in my room so I offered to let him get into my bed.

Several times I thought I heard K coming into the room. I must have been imagining but once I was so sure that I set up and called her name.

This isn't the first weird things at night. There was one morning I was sure I had heard J come home early. I thought I had heard the back door opening & closing and then someone walking through the house.

I'm not ready to say the house is haunted. The first nights here I thought it might be. I can say I won't be surprised (well suprised in a different sense) if eventually I do see a ghost. I have felt regularly that we share this house with something. However, I think that whatever it is friendly and happy with us.

Meantime I will work on convincing T that the noises are from the house contracting at night while cooling off. That is J's explanation but he isn't hearing what we are hearing. I don't contraction noises are related to three knocks.

Quality of life

Three weeks ago we lost my great aunt Juanita. Even at that time we were feeling that it wouldn't be long before her older sister Coy would be next. Well on the 4th of July Coy fell and broke her hip. I believe she has Alzheimers and now we suspect Parkinsons and then they say there is something up with her lungs.

Today I went to the hospital to see her. My aunt Barbara was there looking after Aunt Coy and said that Coy was begging to be released. It reinforced to me that I want to have quality of life not quantity. Coy's youngest sister Kathy has been burdened with caring with Juanita and Coy while my grandmother continues her self centered hermit existance.

I then got frustrated because my mother was making fun of my aunt Barbara's emails because they are full of misspellings and bad grammar. But while my aunt Barbara isn't my favorite person, I know that she hasn't had a life where spelling and grammar mattered, she worked in factories most of her life. They are skills that if you don't use, you lose. And it really bothers me that my mother uses this to feel superior considering my mother can't follow the simplest of current events and misprounces things constantly. But yet here was my aunt Barbara, sleeping at the hospital so that Kathy could get some rest and was at the hospital today so that Kathy and others could go to Juanita's memorial service.

Since I have been in a tear

I still cannot reconcile that Anthony Michael Hall in Dead Zone is the nerd from my teenage years.

I have always liked Mark Harmon but he has gotten way sexier with age. It is sort of like Sean Connery or Clint Eastwood. They were ok in their early careers but so damn sexy as older men. Unfortunately Harrison Ford is not doing as well.

Pysch looks like a fun show.

Matthew Broderick is still a kid. Except for the movie Glory, he can't shake that WarGames stereotype.

I'll add more as I think of them. This is what happens to a brain after a week of doing financials. It shuts down and goes into trivia mode.

Oh and it sucks when your daughter tells you on a Friday night that she thinks she saw worms in her poop.