I moved to a new blog. This one had just gotten so filled with the hurt of the past and I felt like a fresh start was needed.
To find me now, go to http://txriverwillow.wordpress.com/ and this is where life has moved on, to a new phase.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
More processing
Don't mind me. I know that getting past things is a painful process. And I'm going to purge something painful here.
One of the things J tried to lay on my doorstep was our sex life. So I'm going to deal with this issue in my own way here.
His claim was that he felt like I never wanted to have sex. Well here is my version of that. And when he tries to come back around I'm going to have this to remind me of the big reasons he won't be allowed back in.
Yes I didn't want sex all the time. There are a lot of reasons for it. One basic was that a lot of time, I was just tired. Mothers understand this - you deal with children, work, housework, cooking and then go to bed not feeling like a porn queen.
Another reason was that I was often in pain. Every since I had T, sex often physically hurt. Maybe it was a physicological after effect from having kids, I don't know. But I was in pain quite often. Add to it my complicated female problems and it was just a bad situation. But almost immediately after having my hysterectomy, I felt like a new person with sex.
But the main reason was the way he treated me in bed. For years, it was a dehumanizing experience. I can't remember when it changed but it did. Very seldom was it a bonding experience between two mates. He had certain desires that I could not physically give him. He wouldn't respect my position on that but instead several times tried to force me. I guess you would call it a type of rape. I know more than once I came up throwing elbow jabs to get him off of me. However bad that sounds, what bothers me most was that he very seldom would kiss me during sex, never said my name and basically just went through the motions. I know a lot of this is classic of someone having affairs.
When I imagine being with someone again, I want someone who will caress me, kiss me, make me know that he knows who is with.
One of the things J tried to lay on my doorstep was our sex life. So I'm going to deal with this issue in my own way here.
His claim was that he felt like I never wanted to have sex. Well here is my version of that. And when he tries to come back around I'm going to have this to remind me of the big reasons he won't be allowed back in.
Yes I didn't want sex all the time. There are a lot of reasons for it. One basic was that a lot of time, I was just tired. Mothers understand this - you deal with children, work, housework, cooking and then go to bed not feeling like a porn queen.
Another reason was that I was often in pain. Every since I had T, sex often physically hurt. Maybe it was a physicological after effect from having kids, I don't know. But I was in pain quite often. Add to it my complicated female problems and it was just a bad situation. But almost immediately after having my hysterectomy, I felt like a new person with sex.
But the main reason was the way he treated me in bed. For years, it was a dehumanizing experience. I can't remember when it changed but it did. Very seldom was it a bonding experience between two mates. He had certain desires that I could not physically give him. He wouldn't respect my position on that but instead several times tried to force me. I guess you would call it a type of rape. I know more than once I came up throwing elbow jabs to get him off of me. However bad that sounds, what bothers me most was that he very seldom would kiss me during sex, never said my name and basically just went through the motions. I know a lot of this is classic of someone having affairs.
When I imagine being with someone again, I want someone who will caress me, kiss me, make me know that he knows who is with.
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Processing
I'm not sure about my feelings. I signed up for a divorce support email thing, that would send me emails each day. It goes into a lot about despair and depression. I'm worried that I might be in some kind of denial since I'm not experiencing that. It just seems that after 22 years of marriage and an almost entire life with him, I should be sadder. That when I see him, I should see or feel something different than I do. When did I lose this with him?
I have stopped reading the emails. And it makes me think that I might not be able to help to others going through a divorce because I'm just not experiencing more typical emotions.
My main emotion when I do stop and think about it is just bitterness that he still won't be honest about what happened. I think back and over the years there were little rumors about J and other female officers when he worked at the jail. Supposedly when he worked at the health club, a few woman came on to him. Supposedly women hit on him when he was a plumber. At the time I thought he felt comfortable in our relationship to let me know about these things. Now I wonder if he wasn't bragging in a subtle way. That's what he did here at the hospital. He would tell me there were rumors about him and a certain nurse here or there. So it seems possible that all of those 22 years had lies in them.
I can't regret the whole time because I got my children out of it. But maybe I hadn't settled for marrying someone out of fear that no one would ever want me, maybe I would have experienced more of life. He has done a revisionist trick on history, claiming I kept him from jobs around the country that I don't remember him ever mentioning to me. But he kept me from graduating from college (I had to drop out for a long period because he couldn't get a job and when I went back, I did night school while working a full time plus job).
But life will go on. It is like a lot of people asking me how I have managed to take care of the twins. You get up each day, you handle the things in that day. Some you do well, some you don't do well, some you never get to. That's what this stage is like. Each day will be a getting through stage.
Well instead of a new post, I'll just add to this one. He came and dropped off the kids and took a look at my knee since it is hurting so bad today. His touching me brought me to tears. And then the kids said that Julie is sleeping in his bedroom. And I just hate myself for crying that I'm sad that I'm so alone that just a touch brought me to tears. I don't miss him so much per se but I miss being held.
I have stopped reading the emails. And it makes me think that I might not be able to help to others going through a divorce because I'm just not experiencing more typical emotions.
My main emotion when I do stop and think about it is just bitterness that he still won't be honest about what happened. I think back and over the years there were little rumors about J and other female officers when he worked at the jail. Supposedly when he worked at the health club, a few woman came on to him. Supposedly women hit on him when he was a plumber. At the time I thought he felt comfortable in our relationship to let me know about these things. Now I wonder if he wasn't bragging in a subtle way. That's what he did here at the hospital. He would tell me there were rumors about him and a certain nurse here or there. So it seems possible that all of those 22 years had lies in them.
I can't regret the whole time because I got my children out of it. But maybe I hadn't settled for marrying someone out of fear that no one would ever want me, maybe I would have experienced more of life. He has done a revisionist trick on history, claiming I kept him from jobs around the country that I don't remember him ever mentioning to me. But he kept me from graduating from college (I had to drop out for a long period because he couldn't get a job and when I went back, I did night school while working a full time plus job).
But life will go on. It is like a lot of people asking me how I have managed to take care of the twins. You get up each day, you handle the things in that day. Some you do well, some you don't do well, some you never get to. That's what this stage is like. Each day will be a getting through stage.
Well instead of a new post, I'll just add to this one. He came and dropped off the kids and took a look at my knee since it is hurting so bad today. His touching me brought me to tears. And then the kids said that Julie is sleeping in his bedroom. And I just hate myself for crying that I'm sad that I'm so alone that just a touch brought me to tears. I don't miss him so much per se but I miss being held.
Sunday, August 05, 2007
The real value of a trip to the ER
So yesterday I had to go to the ER on a knee sprain. I knew I had a sprain and really the only reason I went was so I could get a brace and crutches.
My mom, dad & brother were all out of pocket, so I had to call J. He was going to be up at the house to get the kids in an hour anyway to take them to get some of their school clothes (he got the clothes but he is keeping it all at his place so they don't get lost). He did seem put out to come up there. I should have just an ambulance come get me (doesn't cost me because of his connection to the ambulance service). My mom arrived to take me to the ER while J took the kids shopping.
While we were waiting, he did his usual thing of having to be in worse health than me. For years anything wrong with me, he had to counter. If I was sick to my stomach, he had been for 3 days. So there I am sitting yesterday with my knee hurting and not able to put any weight on it, he had to tell me he had been out of work all week with a bad back. Interesting that with this, he didn't offer to take the kids any while he was home to give them additional supervision or more time with them. And I had asked him to come look at my toilet challenges and he never showed up.
Ok fast forward to the trip to the ER. J had called ahead which shortened my time in the ER. I didn't know how his co-workers would act around me, since most of them know our divorce proceedings. I will never complain how I was treated. But the best part was one of J's cousins came in to take care of me. At first, I wasn't sure that it was J's cousin. She first told me how sorry she was that J & I are divorcing.
Then the dirt came out. She wanted to tell me at Easter about J & Julie. She was very relieved to know that I had known and wasn't in the dark. Oh btw, Julie had called in sick all of this week too. And another one of the staff had seen J & Julie running around town together this week. J & Julie were being investigated by the hospital because it is believed they were in a room making out where a corpse was lying waiting for pick up. (And it turns out J has been accused of something like this before while working at another hospital during his training). It has been noted by the staff that they frequently disappear for long period of times. I'm betting that between these investigations and now his workers comp case, he will get fired (released) from the hospital. Even if nothing is proved, he is becoming too much trouble for the supervisors.
Cousin did not know that Julie had moved into his parents' place. Cousin did tell me how totally unliked Julie is by all of her co-workers. Cousin said that the extended family knows about the situation and most think J has lost his mind. His extended family has always been the better part of the deal, his immediate family is white trash while he has wonderful aunts and uncles. I told Cousin that J&Julie are officially dating now. She also didn't know about Julie's STBX challenges. I also told her about his online affair with Melanie a couple of years ago (she knew Melanie of course).
Oh and his excuse for our divorce? It is because I won't let him discipline the kids. So I told the cousin that I got very put out with him when he grounded KB to her bed for 7 days, knowing I would be the one to have to deal with making it actually happen. Or the time he got mad at the kids for being kids and told them they had 2 hours to mow and clean the yard while he went and took his nap before going to work. T & I worked that 2 hours and barely got it done. I told J that his punishments were not fair and usually punishing me. So this is his excuse for why we are divorcing.
I know that Cousin immediately went to share the information I gave her with the others on staff. It will take a few days but all of this will be around the ER. Even better if he stays out on leave. I really see him screwing up and losing this job. It hurts my continued quest to get money out of him but it will further piss off his parents about his choices in life and just maybe he will be forced to get a job with a real paycheck so I can get a real child support amout out of him.
My mom, dad & brother were all out of pocket, so I had to call J. He was going to be up at the house to get the kids in an hour anyway to take them to get some of their school clothes (he got the clothes but he is keeping it all at his place so they don't get lost). He did seem put out to come up there. I should have just an ambulance come get me (doesn't cost me because of his connection to the ambulance service). My mom arrived to take me to the ER while J took the kids shopping.
While we were waiting, he did his usual thing of having to be in worse health than me. For years anything wrong with me, he had to counter. If I was sick to my stomach, he had been for 3 days. So there I am sitting yesterday with my knee hurting and not able to put any weight on it, he had to tell me he had been out of work all week with a bad back. Interesting that with this, he didn't offer to take the kids any while he was home to give them additional supervision or more time with them. And I had asked him to come look at my toilet challenges and he never showed up.
Ok fast forward to the trip to the ER. J had called ahead which shortened my time in the ER. I didn't know how his co-workers would act around me, since most of them know our divorce proceedings. I will never complain how I was treated. But the best part was one of J's cousins came in to take care of me. At first, I wasn't sure that it was J's cousin. She first told me how sorry she was that J & I are divorcing.
Then the dirt came out. She wanted to tell me at Easter about J & Julie. She was very relieved to know that I had known and wasn't in the dark. Oh btw, Julie had called in sick all of this week too. And another one of the staff had seen J & Julie running around town together this week. J & Julie were being investigated by the hospital because it is believed they were in a room making out where a corpse was lying waiting for pick up. (And it turns out J has been accused of something like this before while working at another hospital during his training). It has been noted by the staff that they frequently disappear for long period of times. I'm betting that between these investigations and now his workers comp case, he will get fired (released) from the hospital. Even if nothing is proved, he is becoming too much trouble for the supervisors.
Cousin did not know that Julie had moved into his parents' place. Cousin did tell me how totally unliked Julie is by all of her co-workers. Cousin said that the extended family knows about the situation and most think J has lost his mind. His extended family has always been the better part of the deal, his immediate family is white trash while he has wonderful aunts and uncles. I told Cousin that J&Julie are officially dating now. She also didn't know about Julie's STBX challenges. I also told her about his online affair with Melanie a couple of years ago (she knew Melanie of course).
Oh and his excuse for our divorce? It is because I won't let him discipline the kids. So I told the cousin that I got very put out with him when he grounded KB to her bed for 7 days, knowing I would be the one to have to deal with making it actually happen. Or the time he got mad at the kids for being kids and told them they had 2 hours to mow and clean the yard while he went and took his nap before going to work. T & I worked that 2 hours and barely got it done. I told J that his punishments were not fair and usually punishing me. So this is his excuse for why we are divorcing.
I know that Cousin immediately went to share the information I gave her with the others on staff. It will take a few days but all of this will be around the ER. Even better if he stays out on leave. I really see him screwing up and losing this job. It hurts my continued quest to get money out of him but it will further piss off his parents about his choices in life and just maybe he will be forced to get a job with a real paycheck so I can get a real child support amout out of him.
Friday, August 03, 2007
Silly me
Psst don't tell anyone but I chatted online with a complete stranger dude last night. LOL it has been a very long time since I chatted with someone I didn't know in a chatroom. Years before K&C were born, J kinda wanted to do a threesome. We chatted with some people but when one lady flirted with me, J had me cut it off because he was jealous. I believe that was the last (probably the first too) I had flirted or chatted like that online.
Dude seemed nice enough. I'm not opposed to chatting with him again but not obsessed to do so either. Website I found him at seems like more enjoyable than the better known ones. I'm not so much out to find a mate than I am just 1-to boost my ego a little by believing someone could find me attractive 2-maybe go out on a date once in a while, you know just some adult conversation in person with someone I'm not related to.
Dude seemed nice enough. I'm not opposed to chatting with him again but not obsessed to do so either. Website I found him at seems like more enjoyable than the better known ones. I'm not so much out to find a mate than I am just 1-to boost my ego a little by believing someone could find me attractive 2-maybe go out on a date once in a while, you know just some adult conversation in person with someone I'm not related to.
Monday, July 30, 2007
Confused
Today I'm wondering where J's mind has gone. He used to be vehement about people smoking around the kids and now he is dating a woman who smokes (but he told the kids not to tell me that she smokes). He used to beyond vehement about kids on 4 wheelers but this weekend he not only let T play on one (without a helmet) but talked about them getting one. He used to be overly protective of the kids. Well I know where his mind is part of the time. I guess Julie gives much better head than I did (not hard, I know that was one thing I wasn't good at).
He used to be a very honorable man but he is not any longer. He lied to me, I guess for quite some time. He is now encouraging the kids to lie to me. I think this is one reason that I'm not as sad about the divorce as I maybe should be, he is not the man I used to know. That man has left the Earth.
He gave me permission to date. That was a riotously funny moment. What he doesn't get is the following.
1. I don't have the energy to date right now. I'm a full time parent to his part time parenting. In addition, I have a house and yard to maintain. Like I get to go home tonight and fix a toilet.
2. I'm enjoying being in charge. I never realized how much control he kept on us in the house. I'm not saying all men would be this way, but right now I don't have to negotiate with another adult about what and when things are done or how they are done.
But I would like to be with other adults more. I would like to have someone around to do things like help with the toilet. But I certainly don't need his permission to date.
He used to be a very honorable man but he is not any longer. He lied to me, I guess for quite some time. He is now encouraging the kids to lie to me. I think this is one reason that I'm not as sad about the divorce as I maybe should be, he is not the man I used to know. That man has left the Earth.
He gave me permission to date. That was a riotously funny moment. What he doesn't get is the following.
1. I don't have the energy to date right now. I'm a full time parent to his part time parenting. In addition, I have a house and yard to maintain. Like I get to go home tonight and fix a toilet.
2. I'm enjoying being in charge. I never realized how much control he kept on us in the house. I'm not saying all men would be this way, but right now I don't have to negotiate with another adult about what and when things are done or how they are done.
But I would like to be with other adults more. I would like to have someone around to do things like help with the toilet. But I certainly don't need his permission to date.
Saturday, July 28, 2007
Bad day
I had to face one thing in this divorce process I thought I would never see, J not being a fit parent. It used to be that he would have died for his kids. Now he is so self absorbed that he has done things this weekend that could have caused the kids harm. Luckily nothing happened to them but the possibilities scare me.
J's biggest concern this weekend was telling that the kids that in a couple of weeks he is going to start dating, including the NG. The kids already think now that she will be their stepmom. It doesn't hurt like it should that he is going to start dating openly (I'm still convinced they have been together for ages). I still don't want to see the bitch but I'm not hurting. It did hurt to hear them say they love the NG (must find another reference to her...).
J emailed me to tell me he is going to start dating her, like he needed my permission and to say I could start dating. I'm not seriously looking. It is very energy consuming to take care of the kids, the house, the yard, my job. I like being on my own. I have discussed that he was a controlling ass and that it is nice not to "answer" to someone. I do miss having another pair of hands to do some of the work here and to help with the kids. But I don't have to have someone to complete me. Sure someday I would like to have someone in my life with me, but I'm not jumping out of one relationship to get into another like he is.
J's biggest concern this weekend was telling that the kids that in a couple of weeks he is going to start dating, including the NG. The kids already think now that she will be their stepmom. It doesn't hurt like it should that he is going to start dating openly (I'm still convinced they have been together for ages). I still don't want to see the bitch but I'm not hurting. It did hurt to hear them say they love the NG (must find another reference to her...).
J emailed me to tell me he is going to start dating her, like he needed my permission and to say I could start dating. I'm not seriously looking. It is very energy consuming to take care of the kids, the house, the yard, my job. I like being on my own. I have discussed that he was a controlling ass and that it is nice not to "answer" to someone. I do miss having another pair of hands to do some of the work here and to help with the kids. But I don't have to have someone to complete me. Sure someday I would like to have someone in my life with me, but I'm not jumping out of one relationship to get into another like he is.
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