Texas Chaos

Just an FYI

2008-04-15T07:59:00.002-06:00

I moved to a new blog. This one had just gotten so filled with the hurt of the past and I felt like a fresh start was needed.

To find me now, go to http://txriverwillow.wordpress.com/ and this is where life has moved on, to a new phase.

More processing

2007-10-23T20:24:00.000-06:00

Don't mind me. I know that getting past things is a painful process. And I'm going to purge something painful here.

One of the things J tried to lay on my doorstep was our sex life. So I'm going to deal with this issue in my own way here.

His claim was that he felt like I never wanted to have sex. Well here is my version of that. And when he tries to come back around I'm going to have this to remind me of the big reasons he won't be allowed back in.

Yes I didn't want sex all the time. There are a lot of reasons for it. One basic was that a lot of time, I was just tired. Mothers understand this - you deal with children, work, housework, cooking and then go to bed not feeling like a porn queen.

Another reason was that I was often in pain. Every since I had T, sex often physically hurt. Maybe it was a physicological after effect from having kids, I don't know. But I was in pain quite often. Add to it my complicated female problems and it was just a bad situation. But almost immediately after having my hysterectomy, I felt like a new person with sex.

But the main reason was the way he treated me in bed. For years, it was a dehumanizing experience. I can't remember when it changed but it did. Very seldom was it a bonding experience between two mates. He had certain desires that I could not physically give him. He wouldn't respect my position on that but instead several times tried to force me. I guess you would call it a type of rape. I know more than once I came up throwing elbow jabs to get him off of me. However bad that sounds, what bothers me most was that he very seldom would kiss me during sex, never said my name and basically just went through the motions. I know a lot of this is classic of someone having affairs.

When I imagine being with someone again, I want someone who will caress me, kiss me, make me know that he knows who is with.

Processing

2007-08-12T15:35:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure about my feelings. I signed up for a divorce support email thing, that would send me emails each day. It goes into a lot about despair and depression. I'm worried that I might be in some kind of denial since I'm not experiencing that. It just seems that after 22 years of marriage and an almost entire life with him, I should be sadder. That when I see him, I should see or feel something different than I do. When did I lose this with him?

I have stopped reading the emails. And it makes me think that I might not be able to help to others going through a divorce because I'm just not experiencing more typical emotions.

My main emotion when I do stop and think about it is just bitterness that he still won't be honest about what happened. I think back and over the years there were little rumors about J and other female officers when he worked at the jail. Supposedly when he worked at the health club, a few woman came on to him. Supposedly women hit on him when he was a plumber. At the time I thought he felt comfortable in our relationship to let me know about these things. Now I wonder if he wasn't bragging in a subtle way. That's what he did here at the hospital. He would tell me there were rumors about him and a certain nurse here or there. So it seems possible that all of those 22 years had lies in them.

I can't regret the whole time because I got my children out of it. But maybe I hadn't settled for marrying someone out of fear that no one would ever want me, maybe I would have experienced more of life. He has done a revisionist trick on history, claiming I kept him from jobs around the country that I don't remember him ever mentioning to me. But he kept me from graduating from college (I had to drop out for a long period because he couldn't get a job and when I went back, I did night school while working a full time plus job).

But life will go on. It is like a lot of people asking me how I have managed to take care of the twins. You get up each day, you handle the things in that day. Some you do well, some you don't do well, some you never get to. That's what this stage is like. Each day will be a getting through stage.

Well instead of a new post, I'll just add to this one. He came and dropped off the kids and took a look at my knee since it is hurting so bad today. His touching me brought me to tears. And then the kids said that Julie is sleeping in his bedroom. And I just hate myself for crying that I'm sad that I'm so alone that just a touch brought me to tears. I don't miss him so much per se but I miss being held.

The real value of a trip to the ER

2007-08-05T13:48:00.000-06:00

So yesterday I had to go to the ER on a knee sprain. I knew I had a sprain and really the only reason I went was so I could get a brace and crutches.

My mom, dad & brother were all out of pocket, so I had to call J. He was going to be up at the house to get the kids in an hour anyway to take them to get some of their school clothes (he got the clothes but he is keeping it all at his place so they don't get lost). He did seem put out to come up there. I should have just an ambulance come get me (doesn't cost me because of his connection to the ambulance service). My mom arrived to take me to the ER while J took the kids shopping.

While we were waiting, he did his usual thing of having to be in worse health than me. For years anything wrong with me, he had to counter. If I was sick to my stomach, he had been for 3 days. So there I am sitting yesterday with my knee hurting and not able to put any weight on it, he had to tell me he had been out of work all week with a bad back. Interesting that with this, he didn't offer to take the kids any while he was home to give them additional supervision or more time with them. And I had asked him to come look at my toilet challenges and he never showed up.

Ok fast forward to the trip to the ER. J had called ahead which shortened my time in the ER. I didn't know how his co-workers would act around me, since most of them know our divorce proceedings. I will never complain how I was treated. But the best part was one of J's cousins came in to take care of me. At first, I wasn't sure that it was J's cousin. She first told me how sorry she was that J & I are divorcing.

Then the dirt came out. She wanted to tell me at Easter about J & Julie. She was very relieved to know that I had known and wasn't in the dark. Oh btw, Julie had called in sick all of this week too. And another one of the staff had seen J & Julie running around town together this week. J & Julie were being investigated by the hospital because it is believed they were in a room making out where a corpse was lying waiting for pick up. (And it turns out J has been accused of something like this before while working at another hospital during his training). It has been noted by the staff that they frequently disappear for long period of times. I'm betting that between these investigations and now his workers comp case, he will get fired (released) from the hospital. Even if nothing is proved, he is becoming too much trouble for the supervisors.

Cousin did not know that Julie had moved into his parents' place. Cousin did tell me how totally unliked Julie is by all of her co-workers. Cousin said that the extended family knows about the situation and most think J has lost his mind. His extended family has always been the better part of the deal, his immediate family is white trash while he has wonderful aunts and uncles. I told Cousin that J&Julie are officially dating now. She also didn't know about Julie's STBX challenges. I also told her about his online affair with Melanie a couple of years ago (she knew Melanie of course).

Oh and his excuse for our divorce? It is because I won't let him discipline the kids. So I told the cousin that I got very put out with him when he grounded KB to her bed for 7 days, knowing I would be the one to have to deal with making it actually happen. Or the time he got mad at the kids for being kids and told them they had 2 hours to mow and clean the yard while he went and took his nap before going to work. T & I worked that 2 hours and barely got it done. I told J that his punishments were not fair and usually punishing me. So this is his excuse for why we are divorcing.

I know that Cousin immediately went to share the information I gave her with the others on staff. It will take a few days but all of this will be around the ER. Even better if he stays out on leave. I really see him screwing up and losing this job. It hurts my continued quest to get money out of him but it will further piss off his parents about his choices in life and just maybe he will be forced to get a job with a real paycheck so I can get a real child support amout out of him.

Silly me

2007-08-03T18:15:00.000-06:00

Psst don't tell anyone but I chatted online with a complete stranger dude last night. LOL it has been a very long time since I chatted with someone I didn't know in a chatroom. Years before K&C were born, J kinda wanted to do a threesome. We chatted with some people but when one lady flirted with me, J had me cut it off because he was jealous. I believe that was the last (probably the first too) I had flirted or chatted like that online.

Dude seemed nice enough. I'm not opposed to chatting with him again but not obsessed to do so either. Website I found him at seems like more enjoyable than the better known ones. I'm not so much out to find a mate than I am just 1-to boost my ego a little by believing someone could find me attractive 2-maybe go out on a date once in a while, you know just some adult conversation in person with someone I'm not related to.

Confused

2007-07-30T10:45:00.000-06:00

Today I'm wondering where J's mind has gone. He used to be vehement about people smoking around the kids and now he is dating a woman who smokes (but he told the kids not to tell me that she smokes). He used to beyond vehement about kids on 4 wheelers but this weekend he not only let T play on one (without a helmet) but talked about them getting one. He used to be overly protective of the kids. Well I know where his mind is part of the time. I guess Julie gives much better head than I did (not hard, I know that was one thing I wasn't good at).

He used to be a very honorable man but he is not any longer. He lied to me, I guess for quite some time. He is now encouraging the kids to lie to me. I think this is one reason that I'm not as sad about the divorce as I maybe should be, he is not the man I used to know. That man has left the Earth.

He gave me permission to date. That was a riotously funny moment. What he doesn't get is the following.

1. I don't have the energy to date right now. I'm a full time parent to his part time parenting. In addition, I have a house and yard to maintain. Like I get to go home tonight and fix a toilet.

2. I'm enjoying being in charge. I never realized how much control he kept on us in the house. I'm not saying all men would be this way, but right now I don't have to negotiate with another adult about what and when things are done or how they are done.

But I would like to be with other adults more. I would like to have someone around to do things like help with the toilet. But I certainly don't need his permission to date.

Bad day

2007-07-28T23:11:00.000-06:00

I had to face one thing in this divorce process I thought I would never see, J not being a fit parent. It used to be that he would have died for his kids. Now he is so self absorbed that he has done things this weekend that could have caused the kids harm. Luckily nothing happened to them but the possibilities scare me.

J's biggest concern this weekend was telling that the kids that in a couple of weeks he is going to start dating, including the NG. The kids already think now that she will be their stepmom. It doesn't hurt like it should that he is going to start dating openly (I'm still convinced they have been together for ages). I still don't want to see the bitch but I'm not hurting. It did hurt to hear them say they love the NG (must find another reference to her...).

J emailed me to tell me he is going to start dating her, like he needed my permission and to say I could start dating. I'm not seriously looking. It is very energy consuming to take care of the kids, the house, the yard, my job. I like being on my own. I have discussed that he was a controlling ass and that it is nice not to "answer" to someone. I do miss having another pair of hands to do some of the work here and to help with the kids. But I don't have to have someone to complete me. Sure someday I would like to have someone in my life with me, but I'm not jumping out of one relationship to get into another like he is.

Just to get it out of my stomach

2007-07-18T17:23:00.000-06:00

He is a grandmutherfuckingsumofabitch. Not only is the NG living now at his parents house but at the same time he has hired an attorney. I'm just scared this is a sign he is going to make this harder and uglier. I think (pray) the end results are going to be the same but the getting there is going to be so draining.

I thought he was different than his family. I guess I kept him from being trailer trash all of this time. Now I'm worried how much of this is genetic and that might my kids might suffer in their lives with the same disease.

Assmunch, fuckstick, penile scum is all too nice to describe him.

This is my idea of the perfect man

2007-07-17T18:39:00.000-06:00

Perfect body, perfect face, perfect muscles, perfectly worn out jeans and the absolutely most perfect sense of humor. I know my music isn't for everyone but man, he is good looking, in a great basic redneck fashion.

http://video.music.yahoo.com/up/music/music/?rn=1301797&vid=44687784&stationId=&curl=http%3A%2F%2Fmusic.yahoo.com%2Far-270996-videos--Rodney-Atkins

Now I find this guy to be a little too slick pretty looking but he has the craziest songs and videos.

http://video.music.yahoo.com/up/music/music/?rn=1301797&vid=44943552&stationId=&curl=http%3A%2F%2Fsearch.music.yahoo.com%2Fsearch%2F%3Fm%3Dvideo%26p%3Donline%26x%3D22%26y%3D11

Count all the Trekkie jokes...

What I have realized

2007-07-14T10:46:00.000-06:00

I found out that J's "non-girlfriend" has left her husband. And said husband was supposed looking for J, enough that common co-workers felt they needed to warn J. As long as none of this happens around the children, I really find this comical. All of his claims that they were not emotionally involved keep crashing down. The kids are complaining that every time they are with their dad, she is around. I think they are going to be pissed when they figure out that she is Dad's girlfriend, especially T as he will know that J was hanging around NG (non-girlfriend) before we broke up.

Maybe I'm slow on the uptake but I guess he has been looking for my replacement for some time. He had the incident with the email affair two years ago. I don't think he has conciously been looking for another woman but I think he gave up on us years ago. Sadly now I wonder if he ever really loved me or if I was just the safe available choice. I know that his POV is that if I had been a better wife, he wouldn't have been looking. I would counter that my performance as a wife was also a reflection as his as a husband.

What I am realizing is how alone I am in this world except for my family. I don't have friends in the area to speak of. And at my age I don't know how to make friends.

I'm a little sad but not devastated right now. Of course the first thing we have to do and he bring NG, it may not be as easy.

My attorney keeps promising me that I shouldn't have to pay a settlement on him. That is the one thing that I can't stand the thought of, that he will be paying almost nothing in child support and then the concept I might have to give him money.

What a fucking week

2007-06-03T11:42:00.000-06:00

I had the best time in Boise. Absolutely wonderful. Too much wine and nearly not enough sleep, all with the greatest friends in the world. I would be lying to say the wedding wasn't hard. My friend the bride was all aglow and shine, with a beautiful wedding ring rainbow above her head, promising and getting promised love forever. It made me angry that I was given those promises and got hurt in the end. But I guess anger is part of the process.

I did have a good moment where I realized that he is the one who failed us. He didn't want to try to keep things going, even though he claims he had tried for years. When push came to shove, he wasn't willing to try and that is ultimately where we failed. He has said several times he couldn't understand why I kept him around if he was such a lousy person. He wasn't lousy, there were things that I didn't like but put up with as part of the compromise that you do in a marriage. But once he said he didn't love me any more (or later put disclaimers on what way he loved me), I realized I didn't have to put up with those shits.

Ok, for the full description of my crappy week let me label some characters so you can follow the story. C is my boss, who I have a good friendship with. We have worked closely for 6 years, gone to lunch most days together and shared much about our lives with each other. J is another accountant who has been there about 3 years. Everyone likes her but she worries more about being liked and such than about her work. Almost every time I have asked her to make entries that affected my sets of books, she makes them backwards and I have to get her to do them again. P is the Director of Finance and an ass. He has stirred up shit in our department ever since they hired him a little over a year ago. He doesn't know what he is doing with our books and has had an agenda since day one to get rid of me, C and our former Asst Controller who is now gone. T is the CFO. Nice guy, naive about what is really going on and hates conflict of any kind.

So last Friday while I was out having fun with friends, C overheard P on the phone telling someone that there is about to be a major overhaul of the department and how "she" keeps pulling this stuff but it is all about to come to an end. So C spent the weekend sending out resumes, etc and immediately got interviews on Tuesday. Wednesday T tells C that P is going to put over the department and that she will now answer to P. C says no way in hell will she answer to P. Right before it is time for me to leave at 4, T calls me to his office to tell me that P is now in charge of the department and that I will be reporting to him instead of C. I told him as I have in the past that I believe my job is in jeopardy under P and he tells me that I'm a victim of C's paranoia and how this is all because of C's attitude. I remind him how P has undermined C's authority within the department but T brushes that off, like they have when I have brought this up before.

I go home. Next morning, I get called to P's office where it is P&J waiting for me. I'm told that the department was notified late yesterday of the reorganization (interesting, after C & I had left for the day) and that I would now be reporting to J, who is now the Accounting Manager. I'm handed the organization chart, which lists me as a Staff Accountant. So I asked if this means I have been demoted as I was a Senior Staff Accountant. According to P (because J did almost no talking) I have never been anything but a SA and that Senior Staff Accountant is a discriminatory title and was just the label on the nameplate on my door. I then see that I am no longer a supervisor and confirmed that. Again I ask if this means I have been demoted and I'm told no (must find out their interpretations and definitions). I'm then told I am starting with a clean slate but I had better change my attitude or there will be consequences. Nothing to give me guidelines on what they mean by attitude, nothing clear except a threat as far as I can hear.

They met with people in the department off and on all day. Rumor is that at least once they used these meetings to get dirt on me. No surprise there. C gets a job offer and gives her notice. Again a meeting with the department after she leaves. No respect whatsoever. It kills me that the month after we did our fastest turnaround time in putting out financials, they feel a need to reorganize the department. My new supervisor hasn't said a word to me all day Thursday or Friday. She can't even look me in the eyes.

Well before the meeting with P&J on Thursday, I had already sent out resumes on Monster and through ads in the paper. At 9 am, I get a call on one and went Thursday after work to an interview. I'm the most impressive resume they have, my salary was what they expected to hear (although they aren't sure what they can offer yet, more on that next week). The job wouldn't be hard compared to what I'm used to. It isn't what I want long term but definitely something to get me out of where I am now.

Then Thursday, me and the STBX (soon to be X) told the twins our news about the upcoming divorce. KB took it like I thought she would, lots of tears and some heart pulling comments. Her twin on the other hand, cried for a few moments and then got up to horse around with his big brother (who already knew). But after a few minutes he came to the conclusion that big brother could go with the STBX and the twins could stay with me and then they wouldn't have big brother problems. That kid, figuring out that divorcing his brother is the answer to all of his problems. Gotta love how he processes information.

I tell you, if it wasn't for Lexapro, I don't think I would have survived Thursday.

Friday was quiet at work, nobody hardly will talk to me as I'm clearly persona non Grata. I have decided if I get this other job or any other job, I'm giving my resignation to T, not to P&J. I just can't honor them as my superiors when they know nothing about my work at all, but can worry about my attitude. My leaving in the wake of C's is going to be a disaster. There are so many things that only she & I know. They will be as screwed as they have made me feel. But this is what they are working for, as short sighted as it is. I hope that management has lots of questions as to why in 6 months time the controller, the assistant controller and the most senior accountant all left because I have a few answers.

Saturday the STBX moved out. I should have been sadder. But I wasn't. It was weird to be in the house all alone all day. I cleaned parts of the house and read a lot. My oldest didn't want to stay with his dad last night so he stayed here with me with two of his friends. At least I wasn't completely alone. But in two weeks, I will be and that will be a hard night.

8 Things You Don't Know About Me

2007-05-28T11:12:00.000-06:00

Damn these are hard. I hate you Kimmah for making me think this hard.

1. I have a wart like growth on my right nipple.

2. I can only wink with my left eye, can't do it to save my life with my right eye.

3. I'm still scared of mirrors at night, having played Bloody Mary as a kid.

4. I really don't understand basketball rules.

5. I liked playing tennis as a teenager but never had anyone to play with so I never got into it more.

6. I have no sense of tone or rhythm so dancing and singing is beyond embarrassing. And I love doing both when no one is around.

7. I don't think I have ever studied for a test in my life.

8. I love to listen to gossip.

Ok, so I will tag KimmieD. She has to do this next.

Lyrics and Music

2007-05-28T11:03:00.000-06:00

Part of my getting through this process involves music. I listen to Settling by Sugarland at least three times a day, whenever I need reminding that moving forward is good for me.

Now I have a new one.

"Stand" By Rascal Flatts

You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright
[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you
Stand,
Then you stand

Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on

[Repeat Chorus]

Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh

[Repeat Chorus]

I know, I'm a slacker

2007-05-20T20:13:00.000-06:00

It has been hard to blog. I alternate from feeling in control to being out of control. I hate the way J makes me still feel. I start to feel pretty in a dress (my first dress in about 10 years, I haven't even worn a skirt in over 6 years) and he destroys that feeling in a second. I wake up to his phone ringing and it is a call from his "friend" and the ringtone is "Lips of an Angel". Then he takes my kids to her house and I get to hear how much fun they had with her. He then tries to tell me how he spent Friday night crying and how much it hurt for KB to call him asking when was he coming home. Well it was his decision not to come home. He tried to tell me not to let the kids do that to him. Yeah right, I told him I was not going to tell the kids when they could or could not call because I don't want him accusing me of keeping the kids from calling. And I'm not worried about his feelings. He made this bed and he can lie in it.

We will tell the kids after Memorial Day weekend. We have a lot of plans for the weekend with family and friends and don't want to have this hurting them. Then he won't be home at the same time as me until Thursday night so that is when we will tell them. He is then spending the next week getting his stuff together and out. I feel like that is when my life can start over.

He spent the weekend being the fun Dad. Nevermind he is usually the strict no fun one. Now he wants to be the fun Dad. They will buy it for a while but it won't last.

And then I start realizing how scared I am of starting over. I can handle the taking care of kids, I do that mostly alone anyway. But the whole dating thing - I have never been anyone else. I'm not sure I really know how to kiss. I'm pretty sure I'm not any good in bed. Yeah, my self esteem is not feeling too good today. We took a picture of me in my new dress and now I see how fat I look in it. I felt pretty in it until I saw the picture. Now I don't feel confident in it like I did when I bought it.

Calm

2007-04-17T20:34:00.000-06:00

It is scary how calm I feel about all the turmoil. We have decided to divorce. For a few nights there was some of the bitterness and hurt you expect to see in a divorcing couple. Then suddenly one night we agreed to give up the bitterness and anger. Suddenly we were able to lie there and laugh at our futures as single people. We have realized that we are able to be friends even if we can't be married. Neither of us want to make this harder on the kids, even later in their lives. I would hate to think of the kids planning a wedding and worrying about inviting both of us.

We talked and we agreed we are still having sex (joked about booty calls). I know this seems risky emotionally but I just found my sex drive that had been MIA for 13 years and it just seems so unfair to give up orgasms. So I'm using J for sex. Let's face it, we haven't had emotional sex in forever. It has been all about animal release, mostly for him. I don't get off too well with electric toys and can't masturbate myself to an orgasm. So I'm out to get what I can while I can.

But do you know that calm that settles on you when it is the right thing? Religious people believe it is when the Lord gives them peace. There is something to that. But I know that I haven't know something was right because of the sense of calm the decision brought me. That is how I feel now. Very calm and very settled. I'm a little nervous about being alone in the house on the nights the kids are with him. I'm very nervous about being single. But I'm thrilled about getting to do things my way, without negotiations and compromise.

To my friends who worry for me and about me, thank you so much for your love and friendship. I might be becoming single, but I know that I'm not really alone.

Spinning wheels

2007-04-09T17:18:00.000-06:00

Well J agreed to counseling but in usually fashion, on his terms. I had found one that we could get in to see but the times didn't work for him. So I told him to call her and set up a time that did work for him. No he hasn't called. He doesn't realize it but he has until the end of the week.

In the meantime, I have come to realize what it is I want in a relationship. I had a dream today about falling in love. Someone who would cherish me and find me to be a partner, an equal. But mostly I want someone who I matter to.

J knows I have cried and that this journey has been physically hard on me. And in some ways, I think he feels I deserve this because I have been supposedly so horrible to him. Maybe counseling could help us get through these issues but I think I have evolved in my thinking of life without him. I don't know that I can have my dream of being loved like I want to be loved. But as things are right now, I won't have it with J.

No April Fooling here

2007-04-01T14:27:00.000-06:00

Well since I last updated, much has been going on. I decided it was time for action. I set up a new bank account in my name and contacted an attorney.

Apparently I crossed a line. J was very upset when I told him about my checking account. He just doesn't understand that even if we stay together, that I have to know what is going on with the money. Too many times I have gone to pay bills and he has done something I know nothing about. In the last month he didn't deposit one check, the same week withdrew all of his part time check out of the bank, bought $50 of stuff from Amazon, paid $400 of past due balance on his cell phone and bought new scrubs. Amazingly, when I went to pay the gas bill (which he knew I was paying) there was no money and it bounced. They are very unforgiving on a bounced check and I couldn't negotiate anything. I had to borrow it to take care of it. And he is confused why I think I need my own account.

Yesterday we got into a big argument about money and he demanded I do a budget. So I was trying to do a budget of the basics we pay for and he then got into the schedule and started adding all the things we should do. Well we are $100 short on income just doing what we must and that doesn't begin to cover the things we should do. And I need a new car this year so I'm not sure where we begin to find money each month for a car payment and additional insurance.

When he started seeing I was serious about a divorce, he started changing his tune (actually it went, he spent years being miserable and he didn't seek a divorce, so why am I?) and is now willing to go to counseling. I have an appointment set up but honestly I think we have gone past the point of no return.

It is interesting to hear him excuse his behavior. For example, his online affair with a co-worker last year is excused by the fact that I could be doing the same thing and just haven't been caught. I mean, I have two email accounts (three if you count work), I text message a friend and have phone calls. So therefore, his behavior is excused because I have the same opportunity and just haven't been caught. AND he wouldn't have done that if things were good at home, so therefore it is my fault. He is a hypocrite on some issues and can't begin to see it.

I know I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination but at least I believe I'm honest about myself. And I think this budget thing showed him that bringing hom $1K a month is not going to be easy for him to live on.

Love sucks!!!

2007-03-20T17:45:00.000-06:00

Free form thinking, no logic going to happen here, I just have to purge. Lots of self pity so you are warned.

He isn't happy with anything in his life. No clue what to do to make it better. He whines about his job, his home life, etc. Honestly he says he is taking Lexapro ("and he hadn't been he would have left me a long time ago.") but I can't see that it is working for him because he walks around with a big case of angry.

So if he isn't happy with me, can he be happier without me? He doesn't know. All he can say is that he tried in the past and got hurt. I don't when he tried because I haven't seen that much effort from him in years. But he doesn't want to try now because he doesn't want to get hurt again. I told him that my trying all alone isn't going to save our marriage and he says he understands that. I tried to make him see that if he isn't going to make an effort, the marriage is over. He needs time.

He says he can't say how he feels when things happen and he has to bite his tongue. Well what he doesn't seem to realize is how when he is angry he just radiates pure anger. How often have I bit my tongue? Honestly most relationships have that in it. My mother and father rarely fight because they said they learned that most of the time whatever the argument was about wasn't really worth the hurt and if one did feel strongly enough to fight over it, the other didn't and would give in. As long as that is going on in something resembling fairness, it works.

And as angry as I am with him, I can't say in the words to express how much I still love him and need him. I can't imagine not hearing his voice everyday. I can't imagine not sitting next to him and scratching his back and cuddling.

Now don't think I'm plotting anything with my next comment, but I have wondered if something dramatic happened (like I was in a serious accident or sick), if he would come to realize how he feels.

But waiting for him to realize anything is killing me. I get lots of advice (online and IRL) to leave him but I can't imagine doing that. I can't imagine how I will go along with my days without him. I know I can if I have to but that's like imagining if your partner died suddenly. You could go on but who wishes for it?

I physically hurt right now. Deep down hurt like I have never hurt before. This is reality and unless he makes a sudden shift, I don't see a good ending.

Everyone tells me not to think I will be alone forever. It is hard to imagine life any other way. I have been with him all of my life, literally since I was 13. Even in my younger days no one else was interested in me. Now I'm fat, have 3 kids, no social life, over 40. I have never dated anyone else, never really kissed anyone else. My sister hasn't met the right man and she just turned 37. Honestly right now I can't imagine finding another someone else. And while being on their own works for some people, it isn't what I want.

T is old enough to pick where he goes. While J's working nights means he probably couldn't have T or would take him, I don't know how I would survive without at least T. And can't J see that he is giving up having any real relationship with his kids. I'm so incredibly sad that all they see of their dad is the mean man who keeps yelling and punishing them.

Life and love suck!!!

More drama

2007-03-10T18:41:00.000-06:00

You were warned, if you can't stand my drama these days, this is not the post from me to read.

I'm glad I got the sex when I did. Friday J & I spent most of the day fighting. Apparently he just can't get the mindset together to try to make things work. He has been unhappy for years with me. I have tried to tell him before how his constant anger is hard on us to be around. That is now twisted into me telling him what a bad father and a bad husband he is. He talks more and more about us separating. Today we took the kids on a day of shopping and kids being kids, they began to act up some and kept asking for things. It made him so furious that we came home, he refused the kids lunch and gave them an impossible task to get done or get a spanking.

So I fed them and helped them. Even with me driving them hard and helping, we barely got it done in the time limit and then I found out there was still more than I knew that was suppose to be done. I felt like I was being punished too and now he has it in his head that he isn't allowed to punish the kids. So I get to listen to them (not just today but often) comment how much they don't like Dad and what was I thinking marrying a man who cussed at them (I think he used the word damn or shit, not anything harder core than that).

Now we are texting and he keeps twisting the things I say around. I was trying to explain to him yesterday that he has a history of never knowing what he wants in life. He has spent all of his adult life going back and forth in careers. When he worked law enforcement, he missed working with his hands. When he worked with his hands, he wanted to be working public service. I was trying to show him that he has a history of "grass is always greener" syndrome. I used the phrase "you don't know what you want to be when you grow up", not as a slam about maturity which is how he took it but to point out that he keeps bouncing around and not settling into one thing. I have tried and tried to explain that he just doesn't know what he wants in life.

We can't even talk any more. I just don't see a way to make this work. I know I love him and I have looked forward to us growing old together. I know that it is hard on us raising kids and that we can't be like we used to be before kids but I also know that someday they will be gone and it will be the two of us again. But apparently from the way he talks and acts, there just isn't much hope for that. He isn't happy and he doesn't know what will make him happy. But it seems quite evident that being with me isn't part of that equation.

I started to fall in love with him again but it was one sided. He reminds me all the time that he has offers for sex and relationships. I know when we split that he will move on. And I know that in all of my life, he has been the only person who ever wanted me. I don't socialize, I don't have an environment where I would ever meet anyone else. So not only am I losing the one person I have loved, but I'm also ending up in a life all alone.

Whore, Slut, Ho

2007-03-06T18:11:00.000-06:00

Where the hell did this sex drive come from?????

Goodness, for the last couple of years, I could have gone without sex for the rest of my life and never batted an eye. Then in the last couple of months, I relearned the word "HORNY".

So I packed off the kids to grandma's house and made a date with my husband. As we were getting into the car, I announced to him that I had put on my black corset. I hadn't worn it in easily a year, maybe longer. The look on his face was priceless. So we flirted a little during dinner, I gave him a handjob in the parking lot while we waited for the movie time to roll around and after the movie we went home for a sex marathon. And I let him have one of his long time fantasies, shaving me.

So a few observations. Three hours of sex does not make a struggling marriage all better. It helps and we both are better for it. It isn't an instant cure but it did build a few bridges.

And the other observation - I'm too old, fat and out of shape for that. My knees hurt and I was sore like I hadn't thought about.

And another observation - there is another grandmother who could use some bonding time with her grandkids.

And another observation - it is good to have a friend I can talk about these things with. I have always been rather private about sex matters but this is one time I felt like bragging and telling the gory details. It isn't the same rehashing it with J but with a friend, it is good.

And another observation - I need more sexy clothes.

And now for something totally different

2007-02-27T22:20:00.000-06:00

I can't remember if I have mentioned this before, but I do have some unusual dreams. Every so often I have an extremely vivid dream of someone else's life. I don't know who or why, but in the dream, I am someone totally different. Nothing in the dream is familiar to my regular life. 1000% of it is unrelated to me. Only once was it dramatic, where I saw a crime committed (Alison DuBois kinda moment) but I never saw anything in the news to make me believe I was accessing something happening.

So anyway last night's was very different. I was an 17 year old girl. My family had over a dozen kids and we had all been adopted. There was a brother that I thought of as my twin, even though we were not blood relatives, we were just the same age. We were the oldest of all the kids and like in many large families, we helped out a lot with our siblings.

Our father was a doctor and honestly I don't remember the mother in the dream. I do remember some red headed brothers who were very mischevious. Dad had been transferred to a new hospital, one that was largely empty. The only patients were all in comas and so there wasn't too much worry about all of us kids in disturbing the patients. We moved into the hospital and the girls had one ward and the boys had another. My "twin" managed an exam room of his own but I slept with my sisters.

Apparently I must have been ill or somehow very fragile. I know at one point, I found an abandoned waterfall garden and I fell into the water. My twin brother carried me in and there was a great deal of fussing, which seemed comfortable, like I was used to the fuss.

Oh and an important note, Dad looked Thomas Gibson. Not exactly like him but that kind of good looking. Again, nothing like my real life. ;-)

There were several other fragments of the life, very detailed, very full bodied memories which have stuck with me even after these hours of being awake. And another interesting thing is that this dream all occurred with these high level of details in just a couple of hours. I didn't sleep much last night so I can pretty much pin point the exact hours I had this dream. This is common when I have these types of dreams.

Someday I would love to have a good explanation for these. But for now, it is kind of fun to live someone else's life, even if just for a couple of hours. I didn't grab any names in this one, but often I do, at least first names. Never enough to say where they happen or even when. Just a piece of someone else's life. I just hope that whoever it is isn't getting my life in exchange. That just wouldn't be fair.

One of those little things

2007-02-17T18:57:00.000-06:00

So maybe it was last year that J told me that he slept better with my pillow. Something about how I scrunch it up and how it smelled like my shampoo, etc. It was a very sweet little moment and stood in my memory because he doesn't say sappy things like that.

Ok so now let's move forward to the more recent past. A couple of months ago, J got territorial about which pillows go on which side of the bed, to the point he wrote our names on the pillows. It drove me a little nuts and I did notice that suddenly my pillow wasn't as comfortable, etc. Hmmm, wonder how that happens. But I decided to not make a big issue out of it.

So yesterday I washed our sheets, working on decontaminating our house a little and when we were making the bed, I subtly pointed out how my pillow had both his and mine names on it. Then I reminded him how he commented on liking my pillow so much and how over time, it had become his pillow. He switched them back.

Little things.

Valentine's Day card from Hell

2007-02-13T21:04:00.000-06:00

Here is what J wrote.

I know right now we are having problems and we don't know how it will end. All we can do is have hope. I do appreciate everything you do and I do love you. I do feel that but to what level I just don't know. Maybe if we can work this out, it will make us stronger in the end. If not then we know we tried. I still want to tell you I love you but at the same time not mislead you.

Just remember I do love you but love cannot fix everything. If it could then we would not be here we are right now. I would have fixed it a long time ago. Just remember it takes time for things to fail and to get fixed. And we both need time to think and see what happens.

BTW I did not get your gift as the kids were sick and we need to understand what's going on.

Isn't that the sentiment every woman wants to hear on Valentine's Day?

Today

2007-02-12T18:54:00.000-06:00

So I sent him an email (not sure if he has read it yet but that besides the point) that I was going to give him his space. I'm not initiating sex, love, affection, etc. If he wants to initiate I will be a very willing participant but I'm not going to smother him while he is trying to figure out what he wants. And maybe, he will start to see what kind of life he is picking if he doesn't have me always reaching out to scratch his back or to give a foot rub without being asked. I don't think he realizes all the little things I have always done for him without being asked to. I'm not shutting him out but I'm not going to demean myself telling him I love him and offering affection when he isn't sure what he feels.

Yes I have been crying a lot last night and today. I came home and of course I'm unlucky enough to have one of those faces that swells up with the first tear so he knew I had been crying. I didn't say anything about all that we have discussed, just kept the conversation on things like how KB is doing (she has been running a fever today) or about Trevor going to the concert to see the girl across the street play her band instrument. As he was leaving he looked like he is really feeling bad because he knows that he is the reason I'm so sad right now. That's fine, I'm not going to pretend that I'm ok with this limbo. I don't want him to think that he can just wait out making a decision. I want to work with him on making a relationship work but at the same time I'm not going to be a doormat either.

The beginning of the end?

2007-02-11T19:10:00.000-06:00

Well things have been rocky for a while with me & J. We have had a couple of heart to heart talks about trying to salvage our marriage. I have been making a full scale attempt to make things better but he hasn't and he admits he is having a hard time trying.

Basically I told him tonight that he needs to figure out what he wants. I'm tired of trying to be a wife if he isn't going to try to be a husband. He's angry with all of us half the time he is around and when he is around, he pretty much wants to sleep. But nothing we do around here makes him happy. He doesn't like anything and everyone is tired of being yelled at.

He's good friends with women at work. The other morning I woke up to find him in the kitchen talking on the phone with one. He talks to them on the phone and I wouldn't be surprised that he texts them. He admits he would have problems if I was talking to men like he talks to women but yet he doesn't want to give up his friends. It does bother me that he is more willing to talk to them than he is to me. But yet I do understand the need to talk with friends. He says without them he would have been gone.

And he admits he isn't sure that he does love me. I know I love him but I'm reaching the point where I know that I can't continue the pretense of this all. He had been talking about getting me a Valentine's Day gift and I told him not to waste the time or money until he knows that he loves me, that right now it is a cruel insult to me. He even refused sex the other day because he feels like it is wrong while he is trying to figure out what he wants.

While I want this to work out, I guess I need to prepare myself for the possibility of how I'm going to raise 3 kids on my own. But let me say that it hurts deeply to hear someone you have been married to for 22 years to say the words that he isn't sure that he loves you any more.

It Comes in Three's

2006-12-27T18:38:00.000-06:00

This morning I found out one of my great aunts passed away during the night. She was my grandmother's youngest sister. We had no reason to see this coming. She had been having some very minor health problems with vomitting but we didn't think of it as life threatening.

She was closer to my dad's age than my grandmother's. All my life she was the aunt I was closest to. Although she was my father's aunt, she and my mother have been very good friends over the years.

Three of the four sisters died this year. The oldest has Alzheimers and is in a nursing home. She never had kids and so the youngest sister had been taking care of her. It looks like we will have to move her to another home so that she is closer to family.

In our family, deaths always come in threes. We usually are spending time at the 2nd funeral, wondering who is the next person. This is three and unfortunately we have two more who are close. One is the great aunt with the Alzheimers who isn't in good health. The other is a cousin who was in an accident a few years ago and has been a quadpeglic. This last year he had a large tumor removed. Now he has cancer of the laranyx and it can't be operated on and he has just a short period of time left.

I have been very blessed to grow up in a large extended family that is close to each other. But these are the times that make you realize it does come with some pain too. I will miss my aunt Kathi. She was a big hearted woman who was sugary sweet without being nausating. In some ways this hurts more than losing my grandmother. Kathi wasn't done living her life. I can picture her in Heaven giving someone hell for taking her before her work was done. My grandmother was done and ready to go. I'll miss her but I understood it was time. This time I can't accept that.

I feel so bad for my cousins who lost their mother and grandmother. I can't begin to imagine how much they hurt right now.

Country music

2006-12-25T21:17:00.000-06:00

Ok on to other subjects for a little while (yes, De Nile is a lovely place to hang out).

Country music. J has been watching videos a lot lately and I'm getting hooked again. It doesn't hurt that I got a MP3 from him so I can feed the habit.

First - Toby Keith is damn funny. If you can, catch the "Little Too Late" video, you will see what I mean. It is a sick twisted thought that leaves you laughing at the end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QeVEbhAFgI8

I also still love the song "Beer for my Horses". And he isn't hard to look at either.

Second - OMG, I haven't panted over a man in ages. Ok maybe Tony Romo for making football exciting (until the Christmas game, which I can't discuss). But I must say Troy Gentry is a fine sample of manhood. He is the better looking half of Montgomery Gentry (the one without the cowboy hat in case you question what I like). I can watch this video all day long. I like the song and the message, but I especially like the face. Whoa baby.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YkZKOYsz5yA

One gig of memory on my MP3 just isn't enough. J does this to me every time. Last one he bought couldn't do books (didn't have a resume capability). This one is too small. He means well and I'm certainly thrilled to be able to listen to music at work again. I hate radio stations with commercials and people talking. When I'm in the mood for music, I don't want to hear talk. If I want talk, I know the talk radio station for either politics or for sports.

Next adventure is that he wants to go dancing. Haha, I didn't dance when I was young. I can't imagine I'm going to find a beat now.

Sad

2006-12-17T22:17:00.000-06:00

I have been looking at where I am in my life and I can honestly say I'm not happy with where I am.

I have family that I love but I am the one who initiates most conversations.

I have no friends at work. The only friend that I talk to is not very close by. I have no one around to do things with.

I have tried to make friends but always seem to miss.

I'm lonely. J is never here and when he is, he still isn't here.

Just a really low point right now.

Saying goodbye to my grandmother

2006-12-10T18:53:00.000-06:00

Just a rambling post while I process some moments of grief.

I used to stay with Mama T in the summer. She lived on the banks of a river and just below a dam. When the river was down, I could play with some neighborhood girls in the river. But today I'm remembering moments when the river had been up pretty high, usually after a good hard rain. Mama T and I would walk along the banks of the river, searching for treasures. Treasures came in all kind of forms, old bottles, interesting shells, all sort of things.

She was a very easy going grandmother. She let us go skinny dipping (which didn't last very long because we got nervous because of the cows watching us). She let us stay up late and I learned about watching Johnny Carson with her. She had a game show addiction and we watched a lot of game shows together. She taught me how to play Solitaire and how to do massages.

She couldn't cook. I never knew anyone could ruin Kraft Mac & cheese like she did. She was not a domestic goddess, which explains my genetic ineptness for housework.

For a girl from a small town, she got to go to Okinawa and Japan. She lived all over the country, Maryland, Arizona, California and of course all over Texas.

Another great memory was her love of pulling over on the side of the road to read historical markers. A 20 minute drive to a grocery store could take over an hour if she knew of some markers for me to read. I need to find time with my kids to teach them about reading markers.

She loved birds and squirrels and had little places for them all over the yard. It didn't matter to her that the squirrels were destructive little rodents, she still loved them. And she had her mother's love of flower beds and you never knew where a flower bed would suddenly spring up or what would become a flower pot.

One of my very favorite memories was when my family was about to move to a new city. As things were being moved, I suddenly realized that I was about to be exposed for hiding the things I couldn't eat behind the deep freeze that had been in the dining room. I began to cry and she came to console me. I confessed to her and she said she would take care of it. She pulled out the deep freeze and together we disposed of the evidence (which wasn't as much as I thought it would be). Years later, when my statute of limitations was over, at a family get together, I told the story. My aunt was furious because when the same woman (my grandmother, her mother) had found out the same thing about my aunt, she made my aunt eat the food and my aunt was upset that I hadn't been punished like she had. My grandmother just smiled and said that was the difference of a mother vs a grandmother.

Over the years, I wasn't as close to her. I went from being her first grandchild and a favorite to some other cousins becoming the center of her world. I have watched those cousins take and take from her and continued to feel hurt that they could do that to her and she could still love them blindly. Her obsessive Christian thoughts made me uncomfortable. I let those things get in the way of letting my kids get to know her better.

I still have some time left with my grandfather and I will try to make up for lost time. He is an amazing man and I want them to know that. And someday when I'm a grandmother I will try to be like her in some ways and not like her in others.

Life

2006-12-03T09:59:00.000-06:00

My grandmother passed away this week. I still had to go to work to meet people who had traveled into my part of the world just to be with me. That night we took T to his employment's end of year party (I love having a responsible 13 year with a job). Saturday I spent the morning sitting with my dad. We talked football, we talked memories and he shared stories with me I hadn't heard before and we rehashed a few I have heard before. Then I took the kids out to my grandfather's house (always before we called it my grandmother's house, that will be an adjustment). The kids hung out with with cousins and I hung out with the adults. It was a nice day.

The funeral home they are using are here in my little town. The local paper does obits for free, unlike all the other papers that are relevant. And the funeral home distribues a little obit flyer to all the local businesses and they post them in easy to see spots. It might sound weird but it is sweet. It gives people a chance to know about a passing that they might not have heard about. Once again I love the community we have moved into it.

But life continues on and I have a moral challenge. The visitation time is at the same time as one of the most important Cowboy games to come around for a long time. And I have a very best friend who is going to keep me updated on the score with text messaging and J is going to help out by setting up the VCR for me.

The only thing I'm truly sad about is my grandfather being alone. They were a true loving couple, childhood sweethearts that lied about their ages to get married. He has CHF and is diabetic and we have had him longer than we were promised. I'm now keenly aware that time is counting down for him. As much as I loved my grandmother, my grandfather has been even more for me. And now I really worry about my cousin taking him for all he is worth.

Yes I have been away

2006-11-25T18:54:00.000-06:00

Life has been a wild roller coaster ride. I'm never too sure if I'm about to be fired or promoted. J is now working 3 jobs and will be adding a 4th one soon. None of them pay well yet but there is a possibility that he will get a job in a few months that will. He will be gone 21 days straight if he gets it, but then will be off 21 days where he could still work one of his current jobs part time.

I had a laproscopic hysterectomy last week. This is the way to get rid of excess female parts. I can't believe how fast I have been able to recover.

My Cowboys are pulling themselves together so nicely and it is possible to believe that we could be heading to the play offs. I'm excited beyond words. I could carry on for hours about being excited about Tony Romo but that probably isn't necessary.

Not that I'm trying to bash Drew Bledsoe but check out the Drew Bledsoe blog link. That is the funniest blog I have read ever and the comments even make it better. I can't remember laughing so much in a long time.

Ok life carries on now.

This is my kind of humor - Steven Wright quotes

2006-10-21T21:08:00.001-06:00

This man is a genius. Simply a genius.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I sold a #3 for 28 bucks.

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live above me are furious!

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.

This does not belong in any sport

2006-10-01T20:18:00.000-06:00

...when Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth stomped on Dallas center Andre Gurode's face and was ejected. Gurode needed stitches above his left eye and didn't return because of blurry vision.

It was uncalled for and after going to both Cowboys' and Titans' fan forums, I'm glad to see that no one liked what happened. Apparently this guy is a known problem and for that I'm sorry for the Titans. I know what it is like to have well performing players who lack character. BTDT. The Titan fans have been very classy on the forums, unlike many years ago when another team's fans pelted players with snowballs packed with hard objects like batteries. Instead this is a problem isolated to a single guy who the new commissioner needs to take a very hard line.

Now he did do an apology in the post game wrap up.

DT ALBERT HAYNESWORTH

(on his hit on Andre Gurode)

First thing I’d like to say is, nobody told me what to say. Nobody coached me on my statement or anything like that. It’s all coming from me. What I’d like to say is I’m very sorry. I apologize to Andre. What I did was disgusting. It’s something that should never happen. I mean I’m not a dirty player. I don’t play dirty. I have respect for the game. What I feel like is I disgraced the game, disgraced my team and disgraced my last name. I just don’t know what else to say to apologize. When I was sitting in here in the locker room when the game was going on, I was looking at my phone, which has my kids on it. I don’t want them to have my last name and to think their Dad was a dirty player because I don’t play that way. I play with a lot of heart. What I did out there was disgusting. It doesn’t matter what the league does to me. The way I feel right now, you just can’t describe it.

Nice words but too bad he didn't think before he acted. The only good thing I can say is that he isn't whining that it is someone else's fault. The next mature step is to go to his coach and the NFL and offer his own punishment thoughts.

About TO and his latest week in the headlines... At first I was oh the poor drama queen. However after reading all that I have, I think the accidental OD is probably the truth. The police thought it looked like suicide, who knows what he was saying and what they were hearing and of course the press rushed it to the wires without much knowledge. But at the end of the day, he gave a solid performance just 2 weeks after hand surgery and he got physical out there, catching and throwing solid blocks. It is early dealing with him, but he isn't the first difficult player who has come to Dallas knowing this could be the last time someone was willing to take a chance. Some players have mended their ways and gave the fans what they wanted. Others couldn't be taught a lesson. Time will say which will be TO's time here.

And I'm hearing that Vanderjerk is not getting along with people in the lockerroom. Big surprise, right?

Warning - Not for the timid of heart

2006-09-10T18:42:00.000-06:00

Two things that are on my mind at the moment

I'm seriously disappointed in the Cowboy's performance today. Bledsoe didn't have his stuff together. His interceptions were on him for bad throws. The whole stretching on the sideline is a sign that he isn't going to make it long.

Secondly, I have a pimple in my pussy. It hurts to walk. I get these often and I hate them. Usually, despite the pain, I can pop it and it goes away. This one won't pop and it just keeps on hurting.

Ok, carry on. Nothing exciting in my world.

Realizations

2006-09-04T20:39:00.000-06:00

I have realized I have a phobia, besides my well documented phobia of fire. Now I know I am and have been afraid of crowds. We took the kids to a festival here in town. People come from all over the states to go to it. Well J had to go help look for a missing kid and I was manuvering the crowds with the twins. I got impatient, starting to have an anxiety attack and couldn't get all of us out of there fast enough. The same thing on a smaller scale happened the night before when just J&I were there.

Looking back, I have been that way at fairs, crowded malls, etc. As J pointed out, I'm that way in traffic congestation. I guess this is the reason I was anxious for us to move away from Dallas.

But the bigger realization is that I'm still having issues with trusting J. He made a mistake a few months ago. Not the worst kind of mistake, just one that hurt. I guess I'm still not trusting him and I'm still acting out. This all came out tonight. I haven't been good lately of throwing away my soda cans in the living room and I had a small collection on the end table. I went to throw them away and they were makred with a M on the top of the can. J had been cleaning in the living room and I thought maybe he had marked them as Monday, like he was keeping up with how long it would take me to throw them away. It really pissed me off and I called him at work about what his point was. He said he didn't do it and I believe him (probably was K, not sure if M was for Mom or what she is up to). But he is hurt now that I would think that of him. And he is right, that would be really shitty for me to suspect him of. He doesn't make comments about my housekeeping/lack of housekeeping skills.

Part of the issue is my stress level is skyrocketing. I'm upset about work, worried about finances and just not a happy person. I'm taking it out on the wrong people and I have to do better with them. They don't deserve the way I am right now.

Yup, turning 40 sucks

2006-08-28T17:29:00.000-06:00

Sucky day. No one to eat lunch with today. A couple of phone calls wishing me Happy Birthday and that is it. No presents. As usual, J gave me excuses how he is looking for the perfect gift. Yeah, I did the shitty thing and reminded him that I'm still waiting for my Mother's Day present that he was looking for.

Came home and not even artwork from the kids. I get to cook supper tonight. All I want is one day a year where I'm special. Everyone knew how much I hated this birthday. Instead I get to spend the weekend painting my mother's bathroom. I didn't even get taken out to dinner.

I should know better than to expect anything. It is my job to make them feel special.

Let's admit it

2006-08-24T20:51:00.000-06:00

I'm depressed. Massively depressed.

I can't stand turning 40. I know I need to see it as a number that I'm no different than I was a year ago. I can't get past it. My body is falling apart. My hair is so grey.

Right now my job sucks. I know as a supervisor I'm not suppose to care about popularity, yadada. But it hurts like hell to realize no one really likes me except my boss. I'm only human. I keep taking it on the chin about their feelings but I want to scream, dammit, I have feelings too.

I know my depression comes from being worn out. I didn't go to work today just because I'm sick to my stomach which is because I'm tired. Just deep down tired.

Bad night last night

2006-08-12T09:49:00.000-06:00

Last night (Friday) J got called out for ambulance duty on one of the nastiest ones ever. Car on an old country road with mom, 5 yr old girl, 9 yr old boy and 14 yr old girl was hit by a drunk driver. The mother was killed instantly and it will be a true miracle if all of the kids survive. Two of them were taken by helicopter to large city hospitals because of the extent of their injuries and it isn't like we have the most rinky-dink hospital here. The details of their injuries are too gruesome to go into but it shook J bad. Luckily his volunteer ambulance did immediate crisis management and did a counseling session with everyone before they left the station house.

The father was called to the scene. I can't begin to imagine his anguish. His children are at 3 separate hospitals with grim possibilities ahead, his wife is dead. In just a moment, his world was shattered.

And as it often happens, the drunk driver was barely hurt. It was his 3rd DUI incident. There isn't a hell deep or hot enough for him. I have tried to pity him as someone who has a problem but still, there is this family who will never be the same again. I just can't pity him.

Eating anger - more work bs

2006-08-03T21:10:00.000-06:00

No I haven't forgotten to blog. I'm actually been working on eating some anger. I won't win any ground by expressing to anyone how I really feel about some things at work. So I'm taking the high road and just concentrating on getting my work done. Somewhere along the line I have pissed someone off. She is leaving but she is working on making me look and feel bad. If I defend myself against this sneak attack, I'm making excuses. I'm kinda seeing that my boss is getting the hint so my best course is to just let the person bury herself. She will be gone in Jan no matter what.

Part of what really burns me is that I have defended her so many times when people have badmouthed her. She didn't use to be this way towards me. I'm finding out that she has resented when I handled the acquisition. She didn't want to travel so it went to me because I was willing to. I'm guessing she felt passed over and then she was definitely passed over for another position (which had nothing to do with me). She is leaving to improve her education so that she is able to move forward with her career.

One of her things was that she didn't think I should get her office when she leaves. My boss was like, so who should since I have the most seniority? But apparently this person thinks that my getting the bigger office will cause hard feelings. Why? Right now, I'm the third in command in the office, I will be second after she leaves. My current office will go to the next higher person who will be thrilled with it.

Most of this shit is petty but it is the volume coming from someone I had thought of as a friend that gets to me.

Supervisor Spewing

2006-07-24T17:20:00.000-06:00

Ignore if you are tired of me whining about work. I figure everyone is tired of it so I'm keeping it off the board.

So I'm hunting for a replacement for David (names are changed to protect the innocent from Google hunts). Ok, that's fine. He did give me a good exit interview. But it has come to a head that my cash manager is not happy. I have talked to her about her obvious unhappiness. But now several people have gone to the controller about how unhappy Becky is. She isn't doing her full job, someone is helping to carry her weight. When David used to do it, he did the job and carried someone else. Now she needs someone to bail her out and the job hasn't changed. She can't handle it and she is coming up on the end of her probation. So I have extended her probation to buy me more time to get at least one of the positions filled. But during our conversation, she won't tell me why she is so unhappy at work. Honestly I think she is just one of those people who is unhappy so often. She says others are unfriendly but she won't go talk to people and when people are near her talking, she won't participate or even make eye contact. She has gotten belligerient when asked to go to training or company/department meetings. She said she hasn't been well trained, but both David & I have worked with training her. Her examples basically came down to her not being willing to ask any questions so somehow that is our fault. Mostly everything is someone else's fault and not hers. I really can't see that she is salvagable which is sad because I hate going through this again.

I did get a raise today. My review wasn't a ringing success but I have really struggled as a supervisor a lot and I know it. With the changes coming up, I don't think I will be made Assistant Controller. I don't think I have the CFO's endorsement since he wouldn't approve my raise until he did the exit interview with David. I can't say I blame him. He keeps hearing that I'm abusive to people. All I can do is be so sugary nice and wait for my bad reputation to go away. I'm sure Becky will help. Not.

Random randomness

2006-07-23T11:37:00.000-06:00

I have so many things I wish I could tackle. The things I think I can do on my own require money. The things that we have the parts for, I don't have the skillset to do. Example, the bathroom sink drips (almost pours). Now if it had water shutoff for the sink supply, I could turn off the water and see what I could do to put in the new gaskets. If I screwed it up, the water could stay off until J could look at it. But I would have to turn off water to the whole house and that is too big a gamble on my skills. We have ceiling fans and I would try to do it but again, I have never ever ever dealt with electricity and the fans are used, so there aren't instructions included.

I have decided on the pond that I will put in a liner over the preform so that I don't have to deal with why we keep having leaks. Actually I'm thinking about pulling out the preforms and going with a softer, more natural look. But I have to buy the liner, harvest more stones and I think I want to change up the filter housing to get a more natural looking waterfalls. All of that takes money.

You know how you have those movies that you watch every single time it comes on. I'm victim of one of those today. You've Got Mail is it today. I just love that movie. It is such a sweet movie.

I need to go clean my dining room. How much can I do in commercial breaks?

I need to find a project to sink my heart into.

Can you believe school will start back up in about 3 weeks? I need to go get school supplies and a few outfits. I don't believe in buying whole wardrobes for school starting. A couple of new things for each of them. New shoes is the big thing and goodness it will be expensive to put shoes on T.

He is becoming an adult right before my eyes. Oh believe me he stilll has child moments but still there are more and more adult moments. I can't believe he is about to be a teenager. Where has time gone?

And I'm very upset about turning 40. I know it shouldn't be a big deal. It is just a number and I'm as old as I feel and all that dribble. I was an adult and on my own when my mother turned 40. How can I be that old? I have friends I went to school with who are now grandparents. I'm barely old enough to have a teenager. I work with numbers all the time and they really don't mean much. But this number is really haunting me.

I like it when you see people break out of their shells and succeed. Robin Williams going into drama is a great example.

I'm afraid somehow I have upset a friend. Nothing specific comes to mind but I feel like she is avoiding me suddenly and I don't know how to bridge the gap without making her feel awkward. I'm so bad at handling things with people. Numbers are safer except for that damn number 40.

Just to be on the record

2006-07-20T19:23:00.000-06:00

LaGuardia Airport sucks old wrinkled donkey dicks. Just in case you didn't know that, I thought I would share that with you.

Maine is such a cool place to visit. This is THE place to go eat for a good meal and an incredible view.

I really like going here. You can sit out at the picnic tables overlooking the waves crashing against the rocks below. On a foggy day the call from the lighthouse is just amazing!

http://www.lobstershack-twolights.com/index.htm

I'm still so tired from the trip. I feel like I just can't get enough sleep.

Hauntings??

2006-07-11T18:55:00.000-06:00

Each evening T & I go to bed about the same time, around 11 or 11:30. This house is very quiet at night. You can hear the trains go through a few blocks away. Otherwise, there is no real noises in the house. Even the AC is very quiet.

So last night we went to bed. I heard a noise, sort of an animal cry noise. T was in my room wondering if I had heard it. Then a few minutes later we heard 3 knocking noises. Tap tap tap. Now this isn't the first time I have heard the three knocks. I have heard it earlier in the evenings. I thought before it was the dreaded neighbor child playing a prank by knocking and running off (the only term I know for this practice is a nasty degoratory term that I won't use). Every time I have heard it, no one has been at the door. So T & I go around the house and look and find nothing. We both go to bed. A few minutes later, a different noise. Again T is in my room so I offered to let him get into my bed.

Several times I thought I heard K coming into the room. I must have been imagining but once I was so sure that I set up and called her name.

This isn't the first weird things at night. There was one morning I was sure I had heard J come home early. I thought I had heard the back door opening & closing and then someone walking through the house.

I'm not ready to say the house is haunted. The first nights here I thought it might be. I can say I won't be surprised (well suprised in a different sense) if eventually I do see a ghost. I have felt regularly that we share this house with something. However, I think that whatever it is friendly and happy with us.

Meantime I will work on convincing T that the noises are from the house contracting at night while cooling off. That is J's explanation but he isn't hearing what we are hearing. I don't contraction noises are related to three knocks.

Quality of life

2006-07-08T20:57:00.000-06:00

Three weeks ago we lost my great aunt Juanita. Even at that time we were feeling that it wouldn't be long before her older sister Coy would be next. Well on the 4th of July Coy fell and broke her hip. I believe she has Alzheimers and now we suspect Parkinsons and then they say there is something up with her lungs.

Today I went to the hospital to see her. My aunt Barbara was there looking after Aunt Coy and said that Coy was begging to be released. It reinforced to me that I want to have quality of life not quantity. Coy's youngest sister Kathy has been burdened with caring with Juanita and Coy while my grandmother continues her self centered hermit existance.

I then got frustrated because my mother was making fun of my aunt Barbara's emails because they are full of misspellings and bad grammar. But while my aunt Barbara isn't my favorite person, I know that she hasn't had a life where spelling and grammar mattered, she worked in factories most of her life. They are skills that if you don't use, you lose. And it really bothers me that my mother uses this to feel superior considering my mother can't follow the simplest of current events and misprounces things constantly. But yet here was my aunt Barbara, sleeping at the hospital so that Kathy could get some rest and was at the hospital today so that Kathy and others could go to Juanita's memorial service.

Since I have been in a tear

2006-07-07T21:17:00.000-06:00

I still cannot reconcile that Anthony Michael Hall in Dead Zone is the nerd from my teenage years.

I have always liked Mark Harmon but he has gotten way sexier with age. It is sort of like Sean Connery or Clint Eastwood. They were ok in their early careers but so damn sexy as older men. Unfortunately Harrison Ford is not doing as well.

Pysch looks like a fun show.

Matthew Broderick is still a kid. Except for the movie Glory, he can't shake that WarGames stereotype.

I'll add more as I think of them. This is what happens to a brain after a week of doing financials. It shuts down and goes into trivia mode.

Oh and it sucks when your daughter tells you on a Friday night that she thinks she saw worms in her poop.

Good Neighbors

2006-07-05T19:15:00.000-06:00

Well so much for the boys next door. Colin today held a knife to C's throat and then told K later he would slice her for telling T&C it was time to come home. Yeah well that didn't go over well when I heard about it. So I marched across the street and talked to the mom and grandmother. Both were suitably unhappy and Colin tried to excuse himself by saying he wouldn't have hurt the kids. Yeah, I was impressed. NOT. I really don't like this boy even before this. He's a sullen bully. And yes this is the boys that T came home smelling like pot.

Ok back to more fun topics. So we were talking at work about how everyone likes the show House and how sexy Hugh Laurie. I was telling them how my friend Miss M didn't realize he had also been the father on Stuart Little. You would have thought I tried to shoot test missiles at the US. No one believed me until I showed them this link.

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0491402/

No one, not a single person in my office had made the connection.

I guess I have watched too much BBC over the years. I like shows Blackadder and Jeeves & Wooster. From there I have noticed him in lots of his shows & movies where he showed up, despite the rumor I had once heard that he had died (soon after we started watching Jeeves & Wooster). But I was used to him in the slapstick type roles and despite his showing up in MI-5 it was a shock to see him in such a serious role, although you certainly see his humor showing up.

I must say, when I read he had audition for Rimmer in Red Dwarf, I just died. That would have been hilarious. The only thing that would have been better is if Lenny Henry had also been cast in there with Hugh Laurie.

I wish I could play Cupid

2006-07-04T10:57:00.000-06:00

See M, I have this cousin, who is single, never been married and loves to fix up houses. He is the sweetest guy in the world. I would love to fix you up with him because he is just so cool. But I would have to first determine if he is gay. As much as I do know about him, I have always had a feeling he could be but has never come out (or maybe even accepted it if he is) of the closet. And I'm just not one to pry. But if I knew one way or the other, I could play matchmaker for him no matter which direction he likes.

Ouchie

2006-07-03T17:40:00.000-06:00

Got our first full month electric bill - $350. This is when we really notice the extra square footage. Ouch ouch ouch

I forgot how much I loved Dharma & Greg. That show cracks me up so much and I do get to look at Thomas Gibson.

I promised chaos

2006-07-01T21:30:00.000-06:00

So once again a blog post about everything!

Last night we started our 4th of July run. First on the list was the Redneck Run (night at the races). The locals live to race old beat up cars around in circles on a dirt track. One BIL has his stepson racing and another BIL sponsors a car. Both of them already have money issues, it seems incredible to me that this is a way to spend money. Obviously I'm not a Nascar fan. But I digress, they did fireworks and we took the twins (remember T works at the races) and watched the fireworks. Well T had fireworks left over from last year and the races owners let the kids fire off fireworks after the races. Well of course K&C wanted to participate. So we stayed. It was 2 am when we got home and then we all had to bathe because we were covered in dust.

Well I began waking up around 10 am but the rest of the family slept. Finally I just left the house at 11 am and went to the meat market, with slight detours through the collection of antique stores in the downtown of this 2,000 person town. In one of the shops I got talking with the lady running it about the candles and the soaps came up. She wants to sell my soaps. I didn't get a warm fuzzy feeling from her but it did give me a slight bug to start up the business again. Like I don't have enough in my life with the kids, the house, the job, the non-existent husband.

I spent the day draining the pond because most days the pond is down too low. We think we have a leak in the pond. The filter housing is certainly a big part of our problem, every couple of days the plug blows out or it is spewing water around the pond instead of into the pond. So in addition to draining the water out on purpose for once, I also scooped sludge out. I didn't get all of it because I need it to restart the biological ecostructure in the pond but I got so much out of it. It went into the compost heap and I hope that I got good stuff that way since I'm a little short of the manure I need in my compost heap.

Tonight I'm all over John Cusak, weird quirks aside. If I find a movie with Hugh Laurie, John Cusak and Thomas Gibson in it, I will need blood pressure medicine to watch it.

Little bit of everything

2006-06-27T19:43:00.000-06:00

I got a really cool catalogue today. It is from www.vandykes.com and I found the kitchen cabinet handles I really really want. But until I get the cabinets and new countertops in (which is a ways down the road) I won't know if it will look right. They are the pale green depression glass style. I love green depression glass and suddenly I realize that will be some of the stuff I use in decorating the house. I have always been drawn to it and now I can see it having a place in my new house. I have decided on the new colors in the kitchen will be pale yellow and light mossy green with the white floorboards and doortrim. I'm all excited. Poor kitchen is going from Coca-Cola to depression glass. I hope it can handle the transformation.

This town has the cutest little library. I checked out one of my favorite books, Comte de Monte Cristo. It was interesting to find out that the version I have always read is a censored water down version. This time I'm apparently reading the full blown version. It has been a while since I have read it so it will be interesting to see what differences I notice. Like I don't remember any lesbians in it.

I called my MIL about borrowing her treadmill. She is going to see if my SIL is actually using it and if she isn't I'll get it. I hope so because I really need to figure out a way to exercise some.

I'm a woman obsessed with decorating. If only I had the money to get it all done at one time.

I was looking at houses with someone today and I realized what a real deal I got on this house. She is hoping to pay between $85 to $100 a square foot. The little cute house next door is $65 a square foot. This house was $47 a square foot. And when we had the additional 500 square feet upstairs, it will be an even better deal. I do love a good bargain.

The only sad thing is that I'm betting that none of my BYB friends will ever see it, except in pictures. It is weird to realize that the people who I share so much of my life won't see where I live it. I'm too far off the beaten track for them, no one drifts into this area and a GTG in this house isn't possible because it isn't that big of a house. One or two might make a trip this way but realistically that is it. I know the house isn't what many people would want. I see this from people at work, many of them like the new house approach. I can see the beauty in those houses but it isn't me or my family. I love that my kids will grow up knowing about skeleton keys and old fashion architecture and creaking floor boards. But mostly they will grow up knowing the peace of a house that has been through many episodes of life.

And final thought of the night, when did Hugh Laurie get so sexy?

Kitchen - a work in progress

2006-06-25T19:53:00.000-06:00

So here is the kitchen before we started any work. Notice the lovely vintage Coke border and pantry door. See the bold red paint.

This is the kids stripping paint. Below the red was some lovely bright colonial blue paint. And underneath that was the paneling. The paneling isn't bad but the new cabinets I will be putting in are wood so I think it will be too much wood. So the plan is that the paneling will be painted a light yellow and the currently black trim will be a sage green.

And this is with the borders removed. That felt good. There are a few spots where the paper stuck to the wall but I will get those removed during this week. No more wallpaper in the kitchen very soon.

Pics of the home

2006-06-24T15:33:00.000-06:00

One of the things I want to do is to document the changes we make in the house as projects are done. So one step is to show what it looks like right now, with us living in it but before we start changing things.

So I took pics of the house today.

http://share.shutterfly.com/action/welcome?sid=8AYsXDlm1as2EM

You will see we still have boxes to unpack and the master bedroom is pretty damn boring. And yes there is a sheet hanging over the curtains, to block out the sunlight so J can sleep during the day. I feel like I have to excuse everything, like the table cloth on the dining room table is the temp one I use on laundry day (today).

Saturday morning

2006-06-24T07:44:00.000-06:00

Ah the second weekend in a row I have woke up to hear rain. I love it. I love rain, more than I can ever say. I know it drives some people batty after awhile but I have never tired of it. Rain has a magical quality to it. The sound of it is refreshing. I can't help but see the replenishment of my world around me. I can almost hear the trees and grass sigh in contentment.

My BIL asked that we watch his daughter last night. She is basically a good kid, very spoiled and slightly opinionated but overall not a bad kid. The only problem is that he has her every other weekend. He has full custody of her, wtih the pyscho ex-wife periodically taking her and the in-laws taking her most of the ex-wife's time. But he wants to have every Friday off to spend the night with his girlfriend. So most of the time she spends his Friday nights with grandparents. I know what is like to crave adult only time. But all of J's siblings have spent a lot of energy getting people to watch their kids so they can continue to go out partying like they were still teens. We are the only ones who full time parent all of the time. I see so many parents who do this. What gets me is when we want to have a set of grandparents to watch the kids so we can get an occasional date, the grandparents are too tired from all of the others or already taken. Our kids get the least amount of grandparent time because we take our roles as parents as a full time responsibility. When J's sister had her second kid, it was really hard on them because her oldest kid went to his dad's every other weekend and she wanted someone to take the girl so they could have their every other weekend free. Now with the third kid, she has come to see that short of divorcing this guy, she has to parent at least 2 kids all the time. What a concept.

Now don't get me wrong, I don't resent that I parent all the time. This is the way it should be. And I wouldn't want it any other way. I just can't believe all the part time parenting I see. I know a lot of single parents who still full time parent. Their kids go away for the weekend with the other parent, but they are still invested. There are still the kids' events and just the heartstrings that are there. That is full time parenting. I do enjoy the occasional adult time too but in a few years, I will have it all the time. It is there, waiting for me and I will get there anyway.

Ok enough venting. Oh and Mere, here I am updating my blog regularly and you aren't even paying attention. Shame shame on you.

Who knows

2006-06-22T18:57:00.000-06:00

Last night I let T spend the night with the boys across the street. I have talked to the mom a few different times and nothing sent up red flags.

T came home and J noticed that he smelled like pot. Well T wasn't the one doing it, he has a very rigid attitude about drugs. The only person he saw smoking was a grandfather who came by for awhile. I figure the mom probably did some after she sent the boys down for the night. I'm torn about this issue. I know a lot of people don't think pot is a big deal but I would rather that she hadn't done it on a night when there was a guest in the house. I hate that T was around it enough to come smelling like it. And I hate that this casts doubts about what I can let the kids do with those kids because of this. And J is very very rigid about this stuff.

I have been sick all day and it really bothers me that J never even bothered to ask me how I was doing when he left for school. Gee, makes me feel important.

Bizarre dreams

2006-06-22T06:09:00.000-06:00

All my life I have had periodic dreams where I'm in someone else's life. No, I don't think I have experiences like the show Medium. Most of mine are just slices of ordinary lives, just not my own. The dreams are extremely detailed and stay with me longer than regular dreams.

Last night's was not a slice of an ordinary life but brought to me the knowledge that this is just an active imagination because if last night's dream really happened, it would be major headlines, at least for a few days. It is weird to realize that these dreams are just imagination pieces because they have always felt so real to me. This one felt so real. I knew the history about the people without seeing it. I was so heavily invested in what happened in this one that I'm actually sick today and planning on going back to bed to get some real rest. It is funny but I didn't get names in this one but usually I have names for everyone, including my name.

The history behind this dream was that my friends had been on some reality show. I don't know the whole premise behind it but it was a matchmaking one. At the end there had been this really beautiful woman, a drop dead gorgeous man (Nick), a dumpy woman and a dork guy. Well the show had been edited so that the beautiful people looked like they were going to hook up. But in truth Nick had fallen in love with the dumpy woman. So the show had their big shocker when he announced he was asking dumpy woman to marry him. Beautiful woman marries dork in a double ceremony but their marriage isn't as good and it was obvious.

The dream takes place a year later. I'm a friend and I'm going over to Nick's and his wife's house to help get ready for an anniversary party. She was nervous because they are getting a little media attention because she has just had a baby and I had said I would help her with all the details. I get there and chaos is all around. Beautiful woman had come over to help and actually went and drowned the baby, put him back in his bed still dripping wet and then tried to drown the mom. I arrive before the police, paramedics and all. I'm trying to help the mom out of the tub who is in shock and hyperthermia, I can see that the baby is dead and Nick is trying to kill beautiful woman who thinks this is her ticket to getting Nick like she should have all along.

I helped with everything until everyone is gone but Nick who is in such a state he can't ever get up to go to the hospital to be with his wife. He is blaming himself, that he shouldn't gone along with the show producers to make it look like he liked the pretty woman. I'm trying to console him but the grief is huge for both of us. Even now, typing this, the sight of the baby is making me sick all over again.

Like I said earlier, obviously this did not happen because the media would be nuts on it. But it was such a realistic dream that I can't shake it. I don't feel like I rested and I need to go back to sleep but honestly I'm scared because sometimes these dreams continue.

Just call me nuts.

Just another day .... or not

2006-06-21T18:03:00.000-06:00

I found out yesterday that one of my new employees (B has been with me for about two months) has a teenage daughter with leukemia. Her daughter has had it for a couple of years and was in remission but then has had a relapse. In two months of talking about our kids, she has never mentioned this and I totally respect that she has chosen to keep this to herself. She moved awy from her family because her husband wanted to come to Texas. She is having a hard time learning the work but I admire her for her ability to come to work everyday and try.

Not that anyone cares and I'm sure you haven't noticed, but the Dallas Mavs choked in the championship games. They started off good but blew it bad. Too bad, I always like it when a Texas team wins any championship even if I can't stand the sport.

We were doing some video goodbyes for someone who is leaving the company. After seeing myself on the computer, I realized I must lose weight. I guess I need to find an affordable treadmill to put in my bedroom. With J's schedule, it is the only way I can see getting a way to exercise.

J got the chance to be a hero last night. The twins had a field trip and I didn't find out until last night that they were to wear bathing suits under their clothes for some water play while at the zoo. I thought I could find their bathing suits at home but after we got home, I found I was wrong. I didn't want to drive 30 miles round trip to Wally World so I told them they would have to make do with shorts (plus KB said that her two piece was inappropriate at their church day care). Well J called on his home from school and said he would stop and take care of it. They were so thrilled when they woke up this morning to find new bathing suits. With as much as he is gone these days, he doesn't get many chances to be a hero.

Yeah Yeah I know

2006-06-20T17:44:00.000-06:00

I'm a bad blogger. No big surprise. This month's excuse is that I had to go to a temporary laptop and lost my links. Like I couldn't figure it out but that was the convenient excuse.

I'm still in love with my new house. It is so comfortable. I'm so content being in the house. So far so good, we are doing a much better job keeping the house kept clean. I think the difference is that I really care so much more.

This is such a cute little town. Tonight after work I took K&C to the library. It comes with the little old librarian who recognized our address and of course knew everyone who has lived in the house. Too funny.

Skip the damn dog is still a problem. He dug his way out of the backyard one night. He got his harness hung on the bottom of the fence and he spent the night fighting the fence. I think the fence won since Skip had a huge chunk of meat missing out of his side. It was too wide and deep to stitch back. He did a good job of keeping it clean and with antibotics and some wound sealant, we were able to nurse back to health. So what does he do once he feels all better? He digs his way out again. I guess we are going to have to try an electric fence, which I can't stand the thought of.

Did I say I love this house?

What does not kill us

2006-05-01T19:26:00.000-06:00

Will certainly put me much closer to death.

I have 3 days to put out 4 sets of financials by myself. Today was spent trying to get a download out of one program and get it configured to be uploaded into another program. I'm tired and I have hours of work to do tonight and I don't feel like doing it.

I hate S*B*C phone company. Last month my phone & DSL was disconnected which was my fault for not noticing our phone service was off (we don't use the landline much at all, it is just there for 911 purposes and because our DSL needs a line). Ok I noticed when my DSL was cut off (same day!) and called on it. They had already given away our phone number and I spent 4 hours on the phone getting it all set up. I set it up to be autodrafted so I wouldn't have to go through it again.

Late last week, our phone was turned off because it wasn't paid. Hmmm, autodraft? J called on it and found out the drafting cycle had been off with the billing cycle. You would think someone would notice and take care of that. No. J was told not to pay it because the draft was set to happen. We got the phone back on and I got an email on Friday that our payment had been drafted. Ok. Today I can't log into my email account because the account has been suspended. I called and raised HELL because this pisses me off royally. Then they tell me that the draft had been returned and I would be notified electronically. Hmmm, no because you have suspended my account, bastards. They said they would redraft, restore my account. I told them if I get home to work and my DSL is off, I will go postal on their asses (ok, I was a little nicer but only slightly). They restored J's email account but mine is still suspended. Bastards can roast in hell.

Another busy day at the new house

2006-04-30T18:28:00.000-06:00

Busy day at the new house - we got some things done but still not enough.

Today - installed new lock on back door, still need to drill holes for front & side door deadbolts.

Got kitchen ceiling fan and light installed. Still need under cabinet lights. Partially got the pantry shelves stripped of old contact paper and installed new paper. The old stuff was pretty damn scary.

T moved the lightswitches over into KB's bedroom.

J got his truck emptied so we can start to haul things over. He has so many leaves and things in the back of his truck that it looked like we were hauling compost.

Still need to get the rest of the utilities set up.

We did move a couple of chairs over.

It will be Thursday night before I can work on the move again. I must first get financials out this week. But my heart is set on getting a lot moved next weekend. J will be out of school then and we will start seeing real progress.

Off to get supper cooked and kids bathed.

Oh and the goldfish have survived the weekend of being poked at by the kids. But that pond is pretty yucky.

Hi, just getting started

2006-04-29T21:12:00.000-06:00

Yesterday we closed on our new home. 21 years of marriage and we finally bought a house. Even after all this time, it was hard on J to believe we can afford it. I'm more like how can we not?
The kitchen is done in Coca-Cola theme. Very exciting...not. I'll be taking down the C/C border and the pantry door and bringing in a lot of yellow and white to tone down the red. I think the red could be cool once the appliances and the curtains tone it down but J doesn't want to see red...something about seeing red at work all the time.

I really need to get up and pack or sit here and work on prep work on my financials. Instead I'm starting a blog. I shouldn't be doing this...